Product Review: Clear Men Scalp Therapy

Have you ever killed a man? According to Ed O’Neil in “Wayne’s World,” “If you stab a man in the dead of winter, steam will rise up from the wounds. Indians believed it was his soul escaping from his body.” Whether you have or not, you’ll need something to get all that dried blood and gunk out of your hair afterwards.

Even if you aren’t sophisticated, you don’t have to smell that way too. So what if you are a single guy and a bag of knock-off Fruit Loops (Tootie Fruities) is all you’ve had for dinner the last two evenings, sans milk? Or if your house is absolutely littered with so many toys and pink clothes it looks like a five-year-old girl exploded? Or that, for some reason, an empty can of chicken you ate for dinner on Monday is still idling on the stovetop, less than three feet from the trash can?

The key is that no one needs to know the real you — they just have to be familiar with the nicely dressed, good smelling dude that appears when you exit the threshold of your house and show up for work.

That’s where the new Clear Men Scalp Therapy can aid your quest for a dandruff-free life, and add a certain level of sophistication you may be lacking. It’s a 2-in-1 anti-dandruff shampoo and conditioner that smells marvelous.

In fact, it smelled so good that when I first used it that I didn’t bother reading the packaging with important hints about what this product is or what it does; I just applied it to my body like a body wash. As I was using it I thought, “Does this make me cheap to use a shampoo as a body wash?” Little did I know that I was doing the exact inverse of that. And the answer is yes, I am cheap. I’m so cheap, I thought the website Groupon.com was an adult swingers site for two years and was even more aroused when I found out it helped me save money.

CMST contains 10 nutrients and botanical extracts including ginseng, tea tree and natural mint. Even if you knew nothing about extracts, you could tell just something was different about the shampoo because of the way it made you feel. Instead of feeling bogged down, or accumulating a soapy residue, I had a refreshing, energizing experience.

Not that it made any difference on the condition of my living room, kitchen or bathroom. Thanks to the Clear Men’s Scalp Therapy, I’m convinced the bathroom is the cleanest area of my house.

On this day, I didn’t kill a man. But I killed the shell of a boy masquerading as one. With a knife, just like Ray Lewis, and we both got away with it.

Want to make your scalp come to life? Check out the CMST Facebook page.

  

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The Light from the TV Shows: TGS: 30 Great Shows (That Don’t Actually Exist)

With “30 Rock” departing the airwaves after a not-unrespectable seven seasons – a particularly incredible achievement when you consider what an incredibly off-the-wall, insider-y sort of sitcom it was throughout its run – it seemed only appropriate to offer up some sort of tribute to the show in this week’s column. Unfortunately, since everyone else seems to have swiped all of the good angles that are 100% show-specific (indeed, I actually wrote a piece on the 30 best “30 Rock” guest stars for the “Today” blog, The Clicker), I had to think a little bit outside the box, but since a key aspect of the series was its show within a show, “TGS with Tracy Jordan,” it seemed like a perfectly reasonable concept to spotlight 30 of TV’s great fictional TV series. Lord knows these aren’t all of them, of course. Hell, even limiting myself to a one-fake-TV-series-per-real-TV-series rule…with the only exception being “30 Rock,” which seemed only fair, given the reason for the list in the first place…there are still thousands of omissions, so feel free to offer up your personal favorites that didn’t make the cut, “Family Guy” fans. (There’ve been so many on that show, I didn’t even know where to start.)

1. TGS with Tracy Jordan (“30 Rock”)

For those who can remember back to the pilot of “30 Rock,” Liz Lemon (Tina Fey) was originally in charge of a not-terribly-great sketch comedy series called “The Girlie Show,” but when GE’s new Head of East Coast Television and Microwave Oven Programming, Jack Donaghy made an executive decision to add the completely unpredictable Tracy Jordan (Tracy Morgan) to the show, the comedian’s ego necessitated a change in the show’s title to feature his name more prominently. 136 episodes later, we’ve scarcely seen a single “TGS” sketch in its entirety, and what bits we have seen have rarely been funny (at least not intentionally), but the shenanigans surrounding the series have been consistently hysterical.

2. The Alan Brady Show (“The Dick Van Dyke Show”)

Dick Van Dyke has discussed on many occasions how many TV writers have come up to him over the years and told him that the biggest reasons they decided to break into the business in the first place was because Rob Petrie and his cronies on Alan Brady’s variety show made it look like one of the most entertaining occupations in the world. Strangely, he hasn’t spoken nearly as much about how many of those writers finished their comments by yelling, “Thanks for nothing, you big liar!” I’m betting it’s about 50/50.

By the way, although “The Alan Brady Show” wasn’t real, the folks at MeTV talked Carl Reiner into doing a promo for the addition of “The Dick Van Dyke Show” to their line-up where he reprised the character. Funny stuff.

3. Invitation to Love (“Twin Peaks”)

If you’re not a David Lynch obsessive, you may not remember this soap opera, but those with keen eyes will recall that it turned up at least once in each of the first seven episodes of “Twin Peaks.” It’s also worth noting that “Invitation to Love” pointedly features identical-twin characters played by the same actress, which – in no way coincidentally – was more or less what Sheryl Lee did as Laura Palmer and Maddy Ferguson.

4. The Adventures of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy (“Spongebob Squarepants”)

The best bit about this cartoon-with-a-cartoon was the fact that the “Spongebob” show runners reunited former “McHale’s Navy” co-stars Ernest Borgnine and Tim Conway to prove the characters’ respective voices. It doesn’t get much cooler than that.

5. The Terrence and Phillip Show (“South Park”)

Disproving a longstanding theory that Canadians can’t be funny while cementing the not-really-in-question suspicion that farts are always funny, it need only be said that Terrence and Phillip are a stone-cold gas. Sadly, this clip is from their movie, “Asses of Fire,” rather than their series, but it’s basically the same thing. Y’know, except filthier. Much, much filthier.

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Looking Back at “SNL” Films: A Little Bit of Excellent, A Whole Lot of Bogus and Sad

When we learned that the folks at “Saturday Night Live” had decided to transform the “MacGruber” sketches into a feature-length motion picture, our first reaction was excitement, but it quickly dwindled somewhat when we considered the track record of movies which were inspired by sketches or short films on “SNL.” As the “MacGruber” release date grew ever closer, however, we began to do a little more research into the whole “SNL”-film phenomenon, and we realized that the chances of getting a legitimately great comedy are actually a little bit better than we thought. Not that much better, mind you…I mean, after all, you can’t just grant a free pass to a franchise that’s given us “It’s Pat”…but when you factor in the film inspired by the animated adventures of a grumpy, mumbling gentleman named Milton, for a brief moment, you can almost forgive them for “Superstar.”

Almost.

Join us now as we take a look back through the mists of time and investigate the 17 motion pictures which made the jump from “SNL” sketch to feature film, in a little piece we like to call…

Read the rest of this entry »

  

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