When I received my invitation to Whatever, USA, the first thought that went through my mind was, “How many children will be conceived as a result of this Bud Light promotion?” And then, “Would there be some inherent shame in that?”
I can tell you with absolute certainty that if you’re reading this 20 years from now, Google searching your true lineage, there is NOTHING you have to be embarrassed about. Bud Light wanted to create the ultimate party weekend and they absolutely nailed it.
At one point during the three days I spent in Whatever, USA, my body composition was roughly 87% Bud Light. But it wasn’t just the endless, literally endless, supply of Bud Light, or the fact that Bud Light was being foisted upon you at every turn, that made Whatever, USA so great. It was the onslaught of once-in-a-lifetime events piled on top of each other, sandwiched between meeting great people from all over the world with one common denominator: being #UpForWhatever.
Here’s some background: From roughly 204,000 video submissions, 1,000 #UpForWhatever winners were selected, given 48 hours to grab a friend, pack their bags and leave for Whatever, USA. In store for them were three days and two nights of activities, epic adventures and unexpected performances at Whatever, USA.
On the surface, you would think that bringing 2,000-plus strangers into a remote location and feeding them Bud Light products exclusively for three days couldn’t help but end badly. But it was the exact opposite. It was like everyone was cut from the same #UpForWhatever cloth.
This is by nature a fun column, designed to get people pumped up for whatever weekend festivities they may have planned. Sometimes, though, something comes up that is just begging for some kind of commentary. This is one of those times.
This weekend (starting yesterday, actually), deep in the heart of southern Illinois, the twelfth (!) annual Gathering of the Juggalos is taking place. Now, we’ve seen the word ‘Juggalo’ pop up here and there in the news cycle – usually near the word ‘Gallagher’ – but we were quick to dismiss it because Juggalos are fans of the Detroit hip-hop group Insane Clown Posse, who hit their commercial peak in the late ’90s and were perhaps best known for a feud with fellow Motowner Eminem. Are there really enough of these Juggalos to merit their own festival?
One of our friends set us straight. He said, “You have to see this video. Wow. Just…wow.” The song: “Miracles,” by Insane Clown Posse, currently sporting just under 7.8 million hits on YouTube.
Now, the back story to this song is that the two guys in the band (we will not bother mentioning them by name, because it just doesn’t matter) liked the wide-eyed wonder with which they viewed the world as kids, and resented finding out that there is a logical, scientific explanation for everything. Fine, we’ll buy that, but they weren’t content to write a song about these small wonders of the world that says, “Look at this stuff. Isn’t it cool?” No, instead they turned it into an anti-intellectual battle cry. We won’t break the song down line by line, but here are some of our favorite lines:
“Water, fire, air and dirt / Fucking magnets, how do they work?” “I fed a fish to a pelican at Frisco Bay / He tried to eat my cell phone, he ran away” “Fucking rainbows after it rains…” “Magic everywhere in this bitch…” “And I don’t want to talk to a scientist / Y’all motherfuckers lying, and getting me pissed”
So, to summarize, pelicans eating your cell phone is a miracle, as are fucking magnets and fucking rainbows. Scientists, however, are filthy, filthy liars. Got it. Enjoy your life of aggressive ignorance, guys.
So, back to “SNL.” They’ve been running fake ads for Under Underground Records for two years now, and until we saw the three minute-trailer for this year’s Juggalos gathering, we didn’t get the joke. Then at once, it all came together. Bad voiceovers, blond girl with pigtails, ridiculous graphics, check, check, checkmate. They even lampooned “Miracles,” which, to be fair, wasn’t terribly difficult. What the fuck is a clock?
Ass Dan, you will be missed. But not for the reasons you might think.
The lineup of bands playing this year’s event is frankly shocking. It’s mostly old school hip hop guys and other assorted clowns (namely, Charlie Sheen and Flavor Flav), but they also got George Clinton and Ice Cube, who I’m sure got an earful from his agent before signing on. “I’m going to have a hard time spinning this to Disney, Ice.” The one that stood out to us, though, was Lil Jon, since we never miss an opportunity to share this hilariously obscene mash-up of Lil Jon with the Icelandic kids show “LazyTown.” You’ll never look at cake the same way again. Booooo, muthafucka!