When the press release for “Birdemic: Shock and Terror” rolled in, it had our attention. We see bad movies for a living, after all, and this flick was hailed as the “best worst movie of all time,” which puts it in some illustrious company. Then we watched it, and they weren’t kidding: it’s a terrible movie all right, filled with bad acting, bad dialogue, bad sound, bad editing, bad special effects, a cut & paste score, continuity errors, etc. You name it, it’s here.
There is just one problem with it: it’s bad on purpose. And if you ask us, that’s cheating.
Anyone can make a bad movie. Anyone can deliberately underwrite and overact something, and piece it together like they had hooks for hands. Praising “Birdemic” is like applauding the 1919 Chicago White Sox for finishing the World Series after they had already decided to throw the games for money. Forget that; give us a movie that someone assembled because they thought it was a great idea and had tremendous emotional depth, only to be horribly, horribly wrong. The best bad movies are that ones that are desperately trying to be good. Like, say, “Troll 2.”
Now, this movie is spectacularly bad, the true heavyweight champion of good bad movies. There’s even a documentary about it, “Best Worst Movie,” made by the film’s then-child star Michael Stephenson, and its best scene comes when the film’s director, Italian B-movie veteran Claudio Fragasso, attends a screening of the movie, and doesn’t understand why people are laughing at parts where they shouldn’t be laughing. He truly has no idea how bad his movie is. Isn’t that beautiful?
The same goes for “Death Bed: The Bed That Eats,” a 1977 film so bad that it went unreleased until 2003, and thanks to Patton Oswalt discussing the movie on his album Werewolves and Lollipops, the movie is now a cult classic. Still, George Barry was not trying to make a bad movie. To him, the idea of a demonic tree, who then turned into a breeze and then human form, possessing a bed and devouring anyone who dared sleep on it, seemed like a good idea. He even threw in commentary from an artist trapped in a painting on the wall, you know, to class it up. It’s ridiculous, but it thinks it’s terrifying. Definitely the hallmarks of a good bad movie.
Then there is “The Human Centipede,” which could go either way. Director Tom Six claims the idea was inspired by a joke (that child molestors should have their mouths stitched to the ass of a fat truck driver), but doesn’t appear to be kidding about the movie’s plot and is even convinced that such a procedure could actually be done. Everyone we know who’s seen it, though, says the movie isn’t bad so much as it’s boring. It’s bad too, but mostly boring, which makes it ineligible for Best Bad Movie, since it’s lacking in the unintentional humor department.
“Black Sheep,” on the other hand, is funny, and bad, but it’s also in on the joke, which disquallifies it from Best Bad Movie status as well. The truly good bad movie does not know its weaknesses, and lacks self-awareness.
Which brings us back to “Birdemic” – the damn thing is just lazy. Had they tried to make something good and then filled with crap special effects, that would have been a movie worth watching. But writing 40 seconds of score, and clumsily looping it over a five-minute title sequence? That joke was old after the second spin. “Birdemic” does not qualify for the Best Bad Movie discussion – it’s just bad.
Everyone has taken that soul-sucking job in order to pay the bills. And while we proles may tease them for living the glamorous life, actors probably take that job more often than anyone, since they never know when the next job is going to come. (Case in point: Michael Madsen told us that he categorizes the movies he’s made as “good,” “bad,” and “unwatchable.”) Putting this theory to the test, we scoured the filmographies of this year’s nominees in the acting categories, looking for movie titles that screamed ‘bad idea.,’ and we were not disappointed with what we found. Jesse Eisenberg, for example, did a TV movie called “Lightning: Fire from the Sky,” which will be the main feature at our next Bad Movie night. Here are ten other films that this year’s candidates would probably prefer remained unseen.
Movie: Femme Fatale (1991) IMDb rating: 4.6 The plot: An English artist-turned park ranger falls for and marries a stranger, only for her to disappear days later. As he learns more about his wife, he gets deeper and deeper into the Los Angeles underworld looking for clues that will lead him to her. Firth’s character: Joe Prince, the aforementioned artist/ranger. How bad is it?: You may not see the ending coming, but that is about the only thing this movie has going for it. Armed with one of the most awkward love scenes we’ve seen in ages, this movie does not gel on any level, using mental illness as a means of providing psychological depth, not to mention Acting!, with that last word ideally spoken like Jon Lovitz. Firth is actually passable here, given the material, and Danny Trejo pops up as a tattoo artist. But you can bet that when someone assembles a clip show of Firth’s finest moments, this movie will not make the cut.
Movie: National Lampoon’s Senior Trip (1995) IMDb rating: 4.9 The plot: A group of delinquent kids takes a bus trip to Washington D.C. to tell the President first-hand what is wrong with the education system, something a couple of corrupt politicians intend to exploit. Renner’s character: Mark “Dags” D’agostino, a slacker stoner. With pierced ears. How bad is it?: Put it this way: the first actor listed in the credits is Matt “Max Headroom” Frewer, and the movie’s few laughs come from Tommy Chong as the drug-addled bus driver. On the “National Lampoon” movie scale, this one lands somewhere in between “Class Reunion” and “Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj.”
Movie: Whatever It Takes (2000) IMDb rating: 5.2 The plot: Geek wants unattainable babe, jock wants geek’s unattainable neighbor friend next door. Geek and jock strike deal to help each other out, even though it’s clear that neither couple belongs together. Franco’s character: Chris Campbell, the jock, natch. How bad is it?: It’s not bad so much as it’s dull. It’s bad too, but mostly dull. Jodi Lyn O’Keefe is a lovely physical specimen, but she has the screen presence of a black hole, while Franco is stuck doing a character similar to Andrew Keegan’s Joey from “10 Things I Hate About You,” which came out the previous year. No one here has much personality, not even the geek’s even geekier friends (played by “Breaking Bad’s” Aaron Paul and Tom Hanks’ son Colin). There is a reason this movie only made about half of its $15 million budget back at the box office.
Movie: BMX Bandits (1983) IMDb rating: 4.8 The plot: Three teenagers looking to make some quick money unwittingly steal walkie talkies from a crime lord who needs the walkies for a Big Score. Kidman’s character: Judy, the plucky girl who loves happy endings. And BMX bikes. How bad is it?: The first half is actually pretty decent. The kids’ dialogue is snappy and the three leads – one of whom, no joke, is named Angelo D’Angelo – are all quite likable. The second half, however, is just ridiculous, as the kids are chased by two Keystone cop-type goons. The director does some interesting POV shots, but he scores every bike jump with a synthesized swoosh. Also, Kidman’s bike double is clearly a dude.
John Hawkes (Best Supporting Actor, “Winter’s Bone”)
Movie: Future-Kill (1985) IMDb rating: 3.5 The plot: A group of frat boys go into New York City to pull a prank, only to by hunted by a homicidal mutant. Hawkes’ character: The Light Man, though we have no idea where this name comes from since has neither lights nor cigarettes. He’s just a kid dancing at a fraternity party. But what is that robe thing he’s wearing? How bad is it?: Sweet Jesus, is this movie bad. The tone is all over the place, the story steals from roughly half a dozen other movies, and the title makes no sense, as there is nothing futuristic about it. As many people have pointed out, the best thing about this movie is the poster that H.R. Giger designed for it, though even that poster makes no sense in context with the movie.
Movie: Timemaster (1995) IMDb rasting: 3.8 The plot: A time traveling boy must stop an alien race from manipulating humans into blowing up their own planet. Williams’ character: Anna. And that’s all we know. How bad is it?: As you can tell, we weren’t able to actually get our hands on this one (the movie’s all over the torrent sites, but those things make our computers itchy), and while that would normally be grounds for exclusion from a piece like this, the trailer is just too ridiculous to pass up. Looking like some strange, cheap hybrid of “The Quick & the Dead” and Barry Sonnenfeld’s “Wild, Wild West,” “Timemaster” blends post-apocalyptic goons with sci-fi gadgetry and, for some reason, backflipping skiers. And apparently the plot has something to do with virtual reality, which was B-movie law in 1995. And the only thing that makes this trailer more awesome is watching it en Espanol. Thank you, God.
Mark Ruffalo (Best Supporting Actor, “The Kids Are All Right”)
Movie: Mirror, Mirror II: Raven Dance (1994) IMDb rating: 3.9 The plot: A girl and her mentally challenged brother live in an orphanage, and the girl discovers that a mysterious mirror is capable of granting wishes, but at a price (dunt dunt duuuuuunh). Ruffalo’s character: Christian, a benevolent boy in a puffy shirt who may or may not be a physical manifestation of the mirror itself. How bad is it?: As horror movies go, this is as scare-free as they come, and the subtitle “Raven Dance” doesn’t really apply, except for the fact that a raven occasionally comes out of the mirror, and the lead actress occasionally dances. Ruffalo doesn’t fare too badly as the mysterious Christian, but the movie around him makes no sense. Ruffalo would return for a third “Mirror Mirror”…as a different character, which must be a recurring theme for this series since William Sanderson (“True Blood”) did the same thing in the first two installments.
Movie: The Yin and Yang of Mr. Go (1970) IMDb rating: 3.9 The plot: James Mason is Y.Y. Go, a half-Mexican, half-Chinese (ha ha ha ha!) power broker who blackmails an American ballistics expert into giving up blueprints for a cutting-edge weapon, but has a sudden change of heart. Bridges’ character: Nero Finnegan, an aspiring writer and draft dodger who is lured into doing seedy work for Go for some quick cash. How bad is it?: Did we mention that the movie was narrated by Buddha? Man oh man, is this gonzo. Written and directed by Burgess Meredith (yep, the Penguin himself), the movie actually delves into some pretty taboo stuff for the time (Bridges seduces the ballistics expert, and his girlfriend is molested by a female cop), but at the same time, it is completely scattershot. Bridges complains that his girlfriend is late, even though he has three hookers in his apartment. The government’s plan to get close to Finnegan is to have an agent pose as a publisher who’s interested in his work, as if that isn’t at all suspicious. The is one loony movie, but on the plus side, there are several shots of Irene Tsu’s perky breasts, so it has that going for it. That, and its fabulous “Age of Aquarius”-type theme song.
Movie: Francesco (1989) IMDb rating: 6.0 The plot: A group of Franciscans attempt to document the life of St. Francis of Assisi, a wealthy playboy who became a saint. Carter’s character: Chiana, the young lass who tries to understand his need to live the life of a possessionless pauper. How bad is it?: Well, Rourke doesn’t have an English accent, and his hair looks like he just shot an episode of “Miami Vice” (we’re pretty sure we saw a tattoo as well, and an earring), but Carter does her part to lend an air of legitimacy to it all, even if it’s rather ponderous. And while her appearance is probably historically accurate, you have to think that Carter winces in horror whenever she sees pictures of herself from this movie. Especially those manbrows. And check out that synthtastic score by Vangelis!
Amy Adams (Best Supporting Actress, “The Fighter”)
Movie: Psycho Beach Party (2000) IMDb rating: 6.0 The plot: A ’60s surf movie parody where an atypical teenage girl wants to learn how to surf while a serial killer lurks among them. Adams’ character: Marvel Ann, a shallow harpy looking for an MRS degree and will use all of her feminine wiles to get it. How bad is it?: We picked this one solely for its title, expecting it to be all camp but no wit. And dog our cats, but this one turned out to be pretty awesome. Seriously, we’re not sure how this one did not appear on our radar earlier, considering it has a regular from “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” (Nicholas Brendon), Los Straitjackets as the band during the luau scene, and Thomas Gibson (!) playing a beatnik rhyming version of The Dude. And if that weren’t enough, Lauren Ambrose plays not one, not two, but three characters, and they’re all great. (We can’t tell you how excited we are that she’s in the upcoming season of “Torchwood.”) Ah, but right, this piece is supposed to be about Adams. She gets to show off her dance moves, and her hourglass figure; what’s not to love? She’s made much worse movies than this, that’s for sure. Take “Leap Year,” for example.
Men are such easy targets for advertising. Show us a woman in lingerie, photographed in compromising positions, holding a product that’s a third the size of her cans and we’re sunk. Mention the words ‘video game’ in the advertisement and we’re doubly sunk. Thrown in an angel fantasy and, well, let’s hope we can remember to lock the door before cracking the lid to the spank bank.
The new Lynx Excite fragrance campaign has all of the above, featuring the gorgeous Kelly Brook as the aforementioned Fallen Angel. As part of the Excite promotion, Lynx put together an Xbox/Facebook game that asks players to use the Lynx Effect to tempt Kelly down from heaven. It is absurd, and yet the usage statistics will doubtlessly be through the roof. We’ll do a lot for a pretty…face. Yes, that’s it…pretty face.
Feel free to browse through the gallery above, but don’t miss the video below for a behind the scenes look at the photo shoot that made such a hot gallery possible. As always, you can find more Kelly Brook at her Bullz-Eye.com Celebrity Babes page.
Last week, Yankee pitcher C.C. Sabathia made news when he explained that he lost 25 pounds during the off-season by kicking his Cap’n Crunch habit. “I used to eat it a box at a time,” he said.
Now, any fool knows that most breakfast cereals aren’t the best option if you’re looking to drop some pounds, so C.C. should have figured this out long ago. I interviewed C.C. after an Indians game in the locker room during his rookie season, and the towel around his waist could have been used as a tarp on the infield. The guy was huge.
That said, we can sympathize with the man, as most people know this stuff is incredibly addictive. We might not eat a box at a time like this 300+ pound athlete, but we’ve all been there where we couldn’t put the stuff down. You eat bowl after bowl, and then you can’t move for hours. The cereal companies know this so they spend millions on commercials trying to get you to try their stuff, hoping one bowl will get you hooked for life.
All videos should be this low-tech. The leadoff single from their upcoming Butch Vig-produced record Wasting Light (the first time Vig and head Foo Dave Grohl have worked together since Nevermind) is a hilarious throwback to the early days of music video, with a simple story and simple edits. Even better, it has Lemmy, drinking and driving and scoring some weed. Then, out of nowhere and for no reason, a beautiful babe appears. The nonstop screaming in the vocals is a bit much, but everything else about this video is awesome.
When the press release for “Birdemic: Shock and Terror” rolled in, it had our attention. We see bad movies for a living, after all, and this flick was hailed as the “best worst movie of all time,” which puts it in some illustrious company. Then we watched it, and they weren’t kidding: it’s a terrible movie all right, filled with bad acting, bad dialogue, bad sound, bad editing, bad special effects, a cut & paste score, continuity errors, etc. You name it, it’s here. 
