24 Blog 9.11: Don’t You Move

24 9 11-1

Man, don’t you hate it when you set up a clandestine meeting with a Chinese colleague to discuss matters that may send the entire planet into full-scale nuclear war, and the park bench where you chose to meet her happens to be within 100 yards of the building occupied by the man who tortured you for over a year, leaving you in a catatonic state? This despite the fact that the last time we saw him, he was in a truck, supposedly heading for a pier to board a Dutch freighter? Damned if that doesn’t happen to me a couple of times a year.

Unless it doesn’t.

On an unrelated note, why is it that every single person on “24” mispronounces the word ‘nuclear’? They all say ‘new-cue-lar,’ not ‘new-clee-ar.’ Look at the word, people. It’s pretty clear how it should be said.

All right, enough negativity, for the moment. As second-to-last hours of “24” go, this one didn’t screw the pooch for the sake of convenience like most of them do. (Hey, there’s a quote for the DVD box. “Didn’t screw the pooch like they usually do,” says David Medsker of Bullz-Eye.) Sure, they conveniently wrapped up the Russian and Cheng story lines so that they’re one and the same, but that move actually makes sense, since Cheng is a free agent and Russia would stand to gain the most from a war between the US and China. I’ll let that slide.

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24 Blog 9.10: One of Our Submarines

24 9 10-1

Previously, on “24 Blog”…

“If the scenes for next week’s episode are any indication, I know what next week’s song is going to be, and Thomas Dolby fans do, too.”

Lo, I was a prophet, of the painfully obvious variety. After all, it’s hard to misinterpret the launching of torpedoes.

There is a scene in the 1990 movie “Flatliners,” where Jack Bauer himself has convinced a group of his friends to try an experiment where they are technically dead for a short period of time in order to see what is on the other side. Once they’ve all tried it, he states the obvious: “Somehow we’ve brought our sins back physically. And they’re pissed.”

This is exactly what happened in the final 10 minutes of “24” this week.

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24 Blog 9.9: Catch Me Now I’m Falling

24 9 9-1

This is not hyperbole, though it might be forgetfulness: this might be Jack Bauer’s finest hour.

He saved Big Dick Heller by using a trick from the playbook of the 1994 movie “Speed,” which is to hack the camera feed and create a continuous loop that the terrorist won’t notice (until they do). Then he landed a helicopter on Mommie Dearest’s building, because stealth (which is to say, everyone in the building should have heard this coming). Then he rappelled down the building and worked his way into their fortress through the window.

That setup makes me want to write one of those click whore-type tag lines now. You know, the one that doesn’t tell you what happens next, but makes sure you know that you absolutely need to click on this link right now, dude! (You see these on Facebook 100 times a day.) I’m new at this, so here goes:

“This soldier is one step away from death. What happens next is amazing.”

How did I do? Don’t answer that, it’s a trick question: those tag lines all suck.

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24 Blog 9.6: There is a light that never goes out

24 9 6-1

”And if a double-decker bus crashes into us…”

It’s as if the writers of “24” have been reading this blog, and secretly sent me a love letter.

What, the Smiths reference isn’t enough proof? Fine, I’ll go one better. Jack is trying to trick weasel arms dealer Karl Rask into uploading tracking software to his computer – meanwhile, in the next room, Kate is getting the shit kicked out of her as a decoy, because what Federal agent wouldn’t sign up for that? – and Rask tells Jack that he knows the people at the bank where he set up the account, and asks him about Metzger (that’s the German spelling of my name. It means ‘butcher,’ if you’re curious). The move is clearly a bluff, and Jack sniffs it out. Still, both Rask and Jack are repeatedly talking about Metzger. “Describe Metzger to me!” “There is no Metzger at the bank.”

In the end, I apparently don’t exist. Damn. Still, for a few moments, this episode was all about me, and that felt pretty damn good.

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24 Blog 9.5: Panic Station

24 9 5-2

For all concerned, I think it’s safe to say that we’ve arrived at Panic Station.

The British Prime Minister (my wife still laughs whenever Stephen Fry is on screen, for the sheer absurdity of it all) has to be freaking the hell out right now, because he stands to lose far more than Big Dick Heller does. He stuck his neck out for Big Dick – let’s pause for a moment and examine that sentence, ‘stuck his neck out for Big Dick,’ shall we? – by defending the Americans’ drone program, and that decision might cost thousands of Londoners their lives. We have a small quibble with Mommie Dearest’s video, though. She made a point about how her group spared the innocent, then threatened to bomb London if Heller didn’t surrender to her, meaning that she had contradicted herself, on tape, within seconds. Terrorists: if you can’t trust them to be true to their word, who can you trust?

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