”And if a double-decker bus crashes into us…”
It’s as if the writers of “24” have been reading this blog, and secretly sent me a love letter.
What, the Smiths reference isn’t enough proof? Fine, I’ll go one better. Jack is trying to trick weasel arms dealer Karl Rask into uploading tracking software to his computer – meanwhile, in the next room, Kate is getting the shit kicked out of her as a decoy, because what Federal agent wouldn’t sign up for that? – and Rask tells Jack that he knows the people at the bank where he set up the account, and asks him about Metzger (that’s the German spelling of my name. It means ‘butcher,’ if you’re curious). The move is clearly a bluff, and Jack sniffs it out. Still, both Rask and Jack are repeatedly talking about Metzger. “Describe Metzger to me!” “There is no Metzger at the bank.”
In the end, I apparently don’t exist. Damn. Still, for a few moments, this episode was all about me, and that felt pretty damn good.
Well, it didn’t take long for Mommie Dearest to turn Simone against her. Last week I mentioned that this would happen in due time, but this week, Mommie was more Terminator than terrorist, and sped up the timeline on this plot thread. She can’t be reasoned with. She doesn’t feel pity or remorse, and she couldn’t have made that last point any clearer when she told Simone to kill both her sister-in-law and her niece. Simone can’t bring herself to do it, but she can’t have her in-law calling the police either – which was a daft move on the in-law’s part, especially when you see your brother’s wife holding a knife. Make the call later, once you and your daughter are safe – and in the ensuing chaos, she accidentally kills the in-law. Niece runs away, understandably. Simone chases her through traffic, and in steps Morrissey, like the angel of death that we’ve always known him to be, and figuratively mows down Simone. I still have a hard time reconciling the fact that Moz has now outlived Michael Hutchence and Robert Palmer. Someone slipped karma a mickey on that one.
”So Jack, what did she say about me?” “She said something about a really big dick.” “Oh. Awesome. That’s true, you know.” “Uh huh.”
Oh, you’re a big dick all right, Hercules, and now the Russians are curious about the extradition treaty you forged on the Real Big Dick’s behalf. They’re Russians; they know a dirty trick when they see one, and you are not fooling them one bit. It’s clear that Hercules needs to go down, but I hope that this doesn’t end in a Jack/Audrey reunion. Fans of “How I Met Your Mother” are still reeling from the decision to force an ending on the audience that they had all moved past years before. Jack and Audrey are just not meant to be, so please, don’t make it so.
Kate Morgan, you are one stand-up broad. Jack pulls you into a dark tunnel and tells you that the only way that the US has any chance of getting a lead on Mommie Dearest is if you agree to be an interrogation target, which means a completely different thing in the world of criminals than it does in the world of the CIA. (Neither is pleasant, but the US, as far as we know, doesn’t use drills.) She agrees, and even injects herself with the knockout drug – I could have sworn that I saw little hearts leap out of Jack’s eyes when she did that – and subsequently gets exactly what she asked for, though the Xenia Onatopp moment towards the end was pretty sweet. Stabbing her torturer in the back with a while still bound from behind earned her some bonus points as well.
This brings us to the episode’s Big Reveal, which is that Kate’s husband wasn’t the one selling secrets; it was Navarro, who set up Kate’s husband to take the fall. Navarro then calls some shadowy character whose voice is cloaked, though it seems pretty clear to me that The Crow is the man on the other end of the line, knowing this show’s incestuous nature. I commented last week about how The Crow was not in all 12 episodes. Now I’m thinking that this is the episode that he doesn’t appear in, but then again, his name was in the credits. Isn’t that in itself a clue?
Speaking of Navarro, now that we know what we know, it’s clear that he’s been “negging” Kate the entire time, subtly taking shots at her confidence and self-esteem because he needs her to doubt herself and the truth in order to get away with the crimes that he’s committed. I only know of this phrase because it’s now associated with that sick, sick man who killed six people in Isla Vista. (I will not mention his name on general principle.) If you do this to girls…stop, please. Love’s not a competition, people, and if you think of it as one, remember this: the winners are most often rewarded with an STD.
Now, as for this video, I’m calling shenanigans. This is not the video for “There Is a Light That Never Goes Out” that I saw on MTV in my youth. In fact, this is the video for “Stop Me If You Think You’ve Heard This One Before,” and Wikipedia confirms this. So what happened to the original video, and why does Wiki act as if it doesn’t exist? Maybe that will be the plot for the next season of “24,” God help us all.