We all know that opening with “Hey can I buy you a drink?” is a really bad move on so many levels: It turns you into just another open wallet looking to get in her pants, you’re instantly transformed into a guy who has to pay for attention from women, and it’s also not that creative, original or interesting. Which is exactly how she’ll see you.
It’s why so many guys end up going home alone, and with a lot less money.
Yet, a recent survey by New Amsterdam Spirits found that 67% of women think it’s “smooth” when a man buys them a drink. Well of course they do. Who doesn’t love free drinks? I bet if they surveyed men and asked if we’d like women to buy us a drink, the result would be 97%. And the other 3% would be lying.
Look, if just buying her a drink worked 67% of the time, liquor sales would equal the GDP of China, guys would be getting laid left and right, and I’d be writing articles on how to juggle a harem of women instead of how to meet them.
So what gives? Why would buying a woman a drink have such poor results in real situations even though two-thirds of women say it’s a good way to go to meet them?
Is the New Amsterdam survey wrong or flawed? Not at all. That number sounds about right. But as we’ve seen so many times before, the answer people give in surveys or interviews can often be the answer they think is the way they’d go, but in reality the way they’d act could be different. It’s the same reason a lot of products fail miserably in the marketplace, even though the market research said it was a winner.
In the case of buying her a drink, sure she may like a free drink, but there’s a lot more going on than just that. It not only gives her a negative impression of you, like I said earlier, but it also lowers your value. Tough stuff to overcome. And all of that can contribute to you ultimately getting shot down.
So are these surveys useless? Not at all. They can be a great resource. You just have to know what to look for.
For instance, the New Amsterdam survey also found that 70% of women like it when a man suggests a cocktail for her to try. And even more women, 78% of them, said they dig a guy who can make them a great cocktail from memory, without having to look it up or ask what’s in it…
So what does this tell us? Maybe a woman thinks she wants a guy to buy her a drink, but in reality it isn’t the buying that she wants. What the survey results show is that a guy who knows about drinks and isn’t afraid to share that knowledge and take control of the situation is more likely what she’ll really respond to.
So instead of, “Can I buy you a drink?” try something like this: “You’re drinking a Cosmo? A Cosmo? Is it 1998 and we are on Sex in the City? Where’s Charlotte? Here, try this instead. I just discovered this incredible new cocktail called the French Kiss that uses gin, elderflower liqueur and chocolate syrup. It’s got a little bite, a little sweet and I guarantee you’ll love it. In fact I’m going to insist you buy two right now, one for you and one for me as a reward for introducing you to it.”
See the difference? In one, you’re just another chump with a wallet trying to get in her pants. In the other, you’re a knowledgeable guy sharing info we know from the New Amsterdam survey she wants. And it lets you stay in Alpha frame, show higher value by having her buy a drink for you, and you’ve also got a way to continue the conversation by telling her how you heard about it.
Just don’t tell her it was from this article. Say you discovered it by reading a survey on cocktails and dating. (The French Kiss is a New Amsterdam Gin recipe.) You can get all the survey findings here. Call her out on so many women saying they like to be bought a drink, when most of the time the guy gets blown off. Ask her what she’d have answered. The rest of the conversation will take care of itself from there.
Check out our Dating Advice page for more tips.
Eric Rogell is the author of The Art of War for Dating and the is founder of The Casanova Code, a program where he teaches sales teams, corporate executives, and marketers how to achieve unrivaled business success by using the wickedly effective secrets of seduction. You can follow him on Twitter @ericrogell.