Trouble on the Horizon: The Telltale Signs of a Toxic Relationship

couple not having sex

A lot of people end up in toxic relationships without really realizing it. Maybe you started out OK, but somehow realized that the person you’re with just isn’t made for you. You don’t know whether you should stay or leave. At the same time, you have a lot of positive feelings about the person you’re with. You’re comfortable, and there are a lot of good things you do actually like about the person. Here’s how to tell whether the relationship is truly toxic.

Your Relationship Isn’t About Shared Values

Most people do not do a very good job of defining their values. A lot of relationships these days are superficial. It’s about sex, or it’s about convenience. Sometimes, people do have shared values though, and this is when it gets tough. How compatible are you, really?

It helps to write down your values and really define them explicitly. You don’t have to show your partner, but you do have to examine them in juxtaposition to what your partner values. While you’re at it, observe your own behaviors and compare them to how you actually act.

So, for example, if you say you want to get strong, but you never actually make it into the gym, that’s a disconnect – one that will surely be felt by your significant other. If your girlfriend says she loves action movies but always insists on seeing rom-coms, that could be symptomatic of larger problems. It doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker, but it might mean she’s not being consistent about other values in her life.

At the end of the day, getting over an ex girlfriend is hard, so you don’t want to break up over something trivial. Make sure that you truly do not share important values before you break it off. If a few things bug you, but you share what you consider important values, give it more time.

You Seek Out Unilateral Relationships

If one person is largely responsible for the success of the relationship, that’s a problem. In other words, if you are the one that’s always making date-night plans, you’re the only one that makes important decisions, and you’re the only one that decides what vacations you’ll go on together, food you’ll buy, or friends you’ll hang out with, you have a relationship problem.

Likewise, if you’re not contributing to the relationship, and she’s doing everything, it may be time to face the music and call it quits before she does. It’s only a matter of time.

Your Relationship Is One Of Convenience

Convenience-driven relationships are never healthy. No one wants to be with other person because they just happen to be there. People want to be loved. If you’re in a relationship where you share an apartment or a home together because it will help you save money on your bills, this is an unhealthy sign.

There shouldn’t be an economic co-dependency there driving the relationship. It should be based on your mutual shared values and your desire to voluntarily be together. If you could just as easily be hanging out with another girl, and she could just as easily be hanging out with another guy, this is a sign that the relationship has no substance. Find someone that you are truly attracted to for reasons that have nothing to do with money or convenience.

Your Relationship Is About Day To Day Compatibility Only

It’s great to share day-to-day compatibility with the person you date. But, if the only thing keeping you together is the fact that you both love Thai food, love Seinfeld, and can both speak Spanish, this isn’t a relationship. It’s a friendship, at best.

You Don’t Communicate

It should go without saying that lack of communication doesn’t help a relationship. In fact, it often does go without saying in a toxic relationship. If you find yourself in a routine that lacks any kind of real discussion with your other half, there’s a problem.

Most couples experience this at least once or twice in their relationship. They get stuck in a rut. They find themselves going through the motions of a relationship, without actually connecting on a deeper level. Sure, it looks like they’re happy, but they’re neither happy nor unhappy. They’re zombies. They’re apathetic. Sometimes toxic relationships don’t leave you feeling angry, sad, or anything at all. You simply lack any kind of real, genuine feeling for the other person. And that is quite possibly, the worst kind of relationship to be in.

Jose Gonzalez has written a number of books in the self-help niche. How To Get Over Your Ex is his most popular book in this genre – a simple 7 step system for men going through a tough breakup.