Ah, St. Patrick’s Day, where everyone is Irish for a day. March seems to be full of days like that, since Fat Tuesday is the day where everyone is Catholic for a day.
Since we know many of you will be getting a full-fledged drink on this St. Paddy’s Day, especially since it is also the first day of the NCAA tournament, we have provided a small list of songs about drinking, the effects of drinking, and the vow that many of you will make the following morning. Think of it as the bender that you never took; we love booze as much as the next guys, but sometimes those things are better lived vicariously.
“It’s Time to Party,” Andrew W.K.
With a whopping three songs about partying on his debut album, Andrew W.K. will forever remain our master of ceremonies when it comes to partying. Until we saw the grammar-challenged lyric video, though, we didn’t know this song made a reference to a money shot. Yikes.
“Party Hard,” Andrew W.K.
And of course, if you’re going to party, why do it by half? Come on, who parties soft? Jeesh.
“Have a Drink on Me,” AC/DC
The night is young. Everyone is flush with cash and feeling generous. Try and remember this moment when 1:30 rolls around and you’re buying Natural Light pounders. For now, though, you’re living on the top shelf.
“Cold Gin,” KISS
Gin seems to be popular among music types. Neil Hannon sang about it in “Gin Soaked Boy,” and Amy Winehouse and Panic! at the Disco have name-checked it, too. But we have to go with the original. That, and its hip-hop equivalent…
“Gin & Juice,” Snoop Dogg
Laaaaaaid back, mu’ fuckas. And now that this party has officially started, time to break out the big guns.
“Santana DVX,” The Lonely Island
“He makes his guitar weep, but his champagne cries,” indeed. Of course, now we’re getting into dangerous territory: mixing liquors. Little good will come from this, you know.
“Brass Monkey,” Beastie Boys
The girls aren’t biting like you hoped they would? Slip ’em some Spanish fly. That’s the Beastie way. If you haven’t seen the DVD this clip comes from, “Awesome! I Shot That!,” you’re missing out.
“One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer,” George Thorogood and the Destroyers
That’s six different kinds of alcohol ingested, by our count. A good time is surely being had at this point, but now is not a bad time to take a break and drink some water, lest you wind up like…
“Drunk Girls,” LCD Soundsystem
We still maintain that LCD Soundsystem is one of the most overrated bands on the planet, but they fit the theme. Plus, we readily admit that this list could use some new blood, and we’re not about to put that damn Ke$ha song on here. The ‘frat boy bunnies gone wrong’ clip isn’t embeddable, but if you’re itching to see it, click here. Otherwise, enjoy the clip above, which curiously has gotten more hits than the music video. Huh.
“Tubthumping,” Chumawamba
And now we’re adding whiskey and vodka to the mix, not to mention lager and cider. No wonder the singer gets knocked down. If we’re picking favorites, though, this is the definitive version of the song.
“That Woman’s Got Me Drinking,” Shane MacGowan
You haven’t thought about her at all the whole night. And then you saw someone that looked like her, or her favorite band came on the jukebox, and now your evening’s fucked. Order a double, sit at the end of the bar, tell your friends to give you a minute. And yes, that is Johnny Depp in this video. He directed it, too.
“Traditional Irish Folk Song,” Denis Leary
“We drink and we die and continue to drink.” It’s getting late. You didn’t take that water break back when you should have gone for some grub. And now you’re…
“Wasted,” Def Leppard
But hopefully, not as wasted as the guitarist on the far right, who thought that the long straight hair was a good idea. But you’re still mad about the girl, and your buddy gets you another round, and you are now officially…
“Trashed,” Black Sabbath
And as luck would have it, that girl that reminded you of your ex has just asked if you’ll be her partner for a game of cricket against her drunk friend and another guy. Holy shit, this can’t be happening. Grudge sex, ahoy! You try and play it cool, and it appears to be working; the bartenders have announced last call, and she looks at you and says, “So where to?” You’re feeling lucky. My place? She agrees. Lust is in the air. There is just one small problem.
“Too Drunk to Fuck,” Dead Kennedys
Between the gin, juice, bourbon, scotch, whiskey, vodka, lager, cider, brass monkey and that goddamn Santana DVX you’ve ingested over the course of the evening, you sailed past Hot Sex Boulevard and barreled down Eunuch Lane a good two hours ago. (Didn’t you see the ‘Do Not Enter’ sign?) Of course, you didn’t remember that when you first wake up, and you didn’t remember it when you realized that Doppelganger Girl is gone. Nope, it doesn’t hit you until you reach the bathroom, look in the mirror, and see LOSER written backwards on your bathroom wall, in lipstick. You sum up the evening: you’re dead broke, you blew the chance to bed a hottie, and you feel like someone replaced your blood with Drano. You make the pledge, right then and there, that…
“I Won’t Ever Go Drinking Again (?),” Squeeze
Not until the next time, anyway. Who are you kidding?
Go hit a greasy spoon, pop a five-hour energy drink, take the rest of the day off, and you’ll be fine. Better check your phone’s history, though. There’s a good chance you drunk called your ex at four in the morning.
