Product Review: Vaseline Men Spray Lotion

The new Vaseline Men Spray Lotion came to me in a time of need. My skin was drier than the driest Norm McDonald joke. So dry, in fact, that had my friends known, my new name would’ve been “Ashley” rather than Paul because I was so ashy.

Sure, the combination of Vaseline with a spray-on lotion lends itself perfectly to a masturbation joke. But guys, I’m not going to tug your chain — this stuff works.

Vaseline Men Spray Lotion is available in two formulas: Fast Absorbing and Fast Cooling.

Spray-on lotion may sound like a gimmick, but it’s actually really useful for certain troublesome areas. For me, one such area is the top middle of my back.

I’ve gotten used to glopping an excessive amount of lotion on my hand and sort of waywardly slapping it back there, usually with mixed results.

But the continuous “spray-ability” of Vaseline Men Spray Lotion allowed me to zero in on an area I couldn’t have otherwise reached. No, not that area, sir. I can reach there just fine, thank you.

The continuous spray feature, which is akin (or should I say “a skin” #ZING) in functionality to Old Spice Refresh Body Spray, means that not only are areas covered, but they are covered evenly.

Vaseline Men Spray Lotion absorbed into my skin faster than any lotion I have ever used. And there wasn’t a slimy residue that made my clothes stick to the area I covered; at least not from the spray lotion, anyway.

Also, there was no perfume-laden aroma or scent to assault your nostrils. There was a hint of something, a certain “Je ne sais quoi,” but it was masculine and invigorating. It certainly didn’t smell like Vaseline. Or, sex covered in Vaseline.

Speaking of sex, Vaseline Men Spray Lotion came to be thanks to the union of three special elements:

1) The container that Vaseline Men Spray Lotion comes in has this cool thing called a “twist-lock actuator” that essentially allows the spray apparatus to either be engaged or disengaged to prevent spills.

2) The internal structure of the container utilizes “bag-on-valve technology.” #ThatsHOT

3) Vaseline Men Spray Lotion uses the perfect balance of “humectants” and “occlusives” to make sure the lotion isn’t sticky and effectively moisturizes.

So, leave your Brand X cocoa butter from Wal-Mart on the shelf and keep the safety engaged on your “spray apparatus.”

For more information on the new Vaseline Men Spray Lotion, follow this link to the website. Or you can always #SprayItForward via the Vaseline Facebook page or Vaseline Twitter account.

  

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Product Review: Schick Hydro 5 Sensitive Collection

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The Schick Hydro 5 Sensitive Collection had all the sensitivity of a toddler petting a kitten on a pillow with a rainbow in the background, while listening to Richard Marx’s hit power ballad, “Hold Onto the Nights.”

As a dude, shaving your chin is a delicate, sensitive process. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve nicked myself in that particular area based solely on excessive speed and a lack of tenderness.

Luckily, the Schick Hydro 5 Sensitive is here to save us from ourselves. The Ultra Glide Blades are equipped with Skin Guards (that would be a sweet band name) that smooth the surface of the skin while you shave. In the 20-plus shaves I used the product, it didn’t happen once. And I sped through my shaves like a young Apollo Ohno.

Since we’re being sensitive, I have a confession to make. Thanks to investing in high priced, high-end shaving creams (not to be confused with the Tribe Called Quest classic, “The Low End Theory”) over the years, I’ve tended to look upon Edge products with a jaundiced eye.

I mean, look at the people Edge hangs out with — Wal-Mart, Target and almost any other national retail chain. Edge will pretty much align itself with anyone that will have it, and those whoreish tendencies have never been lost on me.

But, as with the case of many whores, there is also something that attracts you in the first place, no matter how many strange beds she’s laid in.

Thanks to this review, Edge and I reconvened, and after a few go-arounds with the Sensitive Pro Relief Shave Gel, I have to say that it was pleasurable.

The combination of Edge Sensitive Pro Relief Shave Gel with the Schick Hydro 5 Sensitive was the most formidable pairing of sensitive elements since K-Ci & Jo-Jo teamed up for their 1997 #1 hit, “All My Life.”

Speaking of K-Ci, he exposed himself at a concert in 2001 and was charged with lewd conduct. The New Schick Hydro 5 Groomer exposes itself too, but it’s a good kind of exposure.

The Hydro 5 Groomer, as well as the Schick Hydro 5 Sensitive razor, features a flip trimmer that “exposes” all five blades, which allows you to reach tight spaces with ease. Ahem.

So, who’s ready for a cigarette? Grab my pack of Winstons from off the bureau while I set the mood with the Color Me Badd classic, “I Wanna Sex You Up.”

The Hydro 5 Groomer is half-razor, half-power trimmer, which makes it the Centaur of shaving. It has the classic “man part” elements that you expect of a razor on top (five blades, aloe gel reservoir) mixed with the horse legs (the edger and flip trimmer) on the bottom.

Unless you’re afraid to get a little bit sensitive, check out the Schick Hydro 5 Groomer and Schick Hydro 5 Sensitive at schickhydro.com and Edge Sensitive Pro Relief Shave Gel at edgeshave.com.

  

Packers Clay Matthews talks Campbell’s Chunky Soup, his badass DNA and great hair

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Clay Matthews could definitely steal my girlfriend and probably yours too, bud. Upon scheduling this interview, my girlfriend did a quick Google search to put a face with the name.

As images of “The Clay Maker” flipped across her iPhone, she said, “Wow. This guy is a complete stud.” The accompanying far away look in her eyes told me all I needed to know; that if given the chance, she would shed me the way Matthews sheds opposing double teams.

Aside from getting the ladies flustered off the field, Matthews has established himself as the best pass rusher in the NFL, thanks to a successful start to his career that rivals any linebacker in NFL history.

In five seasons, Matthews has made the Pro Bowl four times, been selected as an All-Pro twice, been named NFC Defensive Player of the Year in 2010 and won Super Bowl XLV.

I was fortunate to speak with Clay about his career, his lineage and the Campbell’s Chunky “Sacks for Soup” campaign.

Talk about the partnership with Campbell’s Chunky Soup.

For the past year I teamed up with Campbell’s Chunky and created the “Sacks for Soup” campaign. For every sack that I was able to get last year, Campbell’s Chunky donated 2,000 cans of soup; 1,000 to a local Green Bay food bank and another 1,000 to the opposing team’s city. To date, we’ve donated over 40,000 cans of Chunky soup. For every sack, they also donated $1,000, so we were able to get around up to $20,000 for my foundation (CM3 Charitable Fund), so it’s been a fantastic campaign; one that not only provides for myself, but gives back in the process of doing so.

What’s your favorite kind?

My favorite kind thanks to the Green Bay weather and obviously a play on the Packers is the Hearty Cheeseburger. They’re all fantastic, so it’s hard to choose, but just like on the commercial, I like the Clam Chowder and the Spicy Quesadilla as well. They’re all really good, so I have to say all three.

I thought they’d make you a special kind called “Bear Chunks” for the way you’ve annihilated Chicago Bears quarterbacks in your career.

I’m willing to try! I don’t know if it would be a big seller, but I’d be all for it.

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Product Review: New York Streets TAR Hair Product

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TAR is a texturizing hair product with a medium hold from New York Streets. And being from the streets of NY, it comes with a neck tattoo and a knife. I’m just kidding, those are sold separately. If you do rock a neck tattoo and a knife, “Go Ahead – Be Free,” which is what New York Streets is all about.

The first thing I noticed was the color of the product. The steel gray color reminded me of paint. And for the canvas of your head, isn’t your hair essentially paint, anyway?

Hair is ultimately a reflection of the person who owns it, and how you style your hair says a lot about your personal brand and how you interact with the world.

Mohawk? Hey, we love The Misfits just as much as the next guy. Tortured artist in an uncaring world? We celebrate Van Gogh’s entire catalog, from “The Starry Night,” to “Cafe Terrace at Night,” to “Self-Portrait with Straw Hat.” Edgy, unloved hipster coffee barista? We feel your pain. Now, where’s the bruschetta I ordered to go with my triple soy grande latte? I’ve got a big conference call and need it ASAP.

I really liked the texture of TAR. It wasn’t gloppy and stiff and you didn’t need to work it in your finger tips before application. Wait a minute, did somebody say “Work It”? Cue the Missy Elliot.

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DOVE MEN + CARE Deodorant and Antiperspirant Irritation-Free Monday Contest

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Monday – time to spend eight hours with people you wouldn’t normally give eight seconds. Who would you kill for an Irritation-Free Monday?

Whoa, that answer came out of your mouth way too fast. Now that you made it all weird, let’s quickly switch gears to what DOVE Men + Care can do for you, within the confines of the law.

Instead of punching that guy in your office who says “TGIM” every Monday morning, get your revenge by entering the DOVE Irritation Free-Monday contest. The winner gets their choice from one of six #badass prizes (Sorry, murder for hire is not one of them, you freak.) below:

1) Installation of a luxury nap room in your office.

2) Food truck bonanza at your place of employment.

3) Personal trainer and a home gym.

4) B-ball irritation therapy, which consists of DOVE installing a full basketball court in your office parking lot.

5) $5,000 to start your own business.

6) A traffic free commute via a helicopter ride to your office.

If you still aren’t thoroughly convinced that DOVE cares about your feelings and your life, the new line of deodorant and antiperspirant proves that DOVE also cares about eliminating the funk you spread in that cube farm at your job.

Whether you like blondes (DOVE Men + Care Deodorant), prefer brunettes (DOVE Men + Care Antiperspirant) or redheads (DOVE Men + Care Clinical Protection), DOVE realizes that variety is the spice of life.

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