Robin Tunney (Ep. 1.1, “Pilot”)
Character: a kindergarten teacher who becomes dysphasic and starts having seizures. Turns out she’s invested with tapeworms.

Sam Trammell (Ep. 1.4, “Maternity”)
Character: the father of a baby girl that’s not even out of the maternity ward and already on death’s door from a virus.

Elizabeth Mitchell (Ep. 1.5, “Damned If you Don’t”)
Character: a nun who looks like she’s suffering from stigmata but is later discovered to be suffering an allergic reaction to a copper cross IUD left over from her, uh, wilder days.

Dominic Purcell (Ep. 1.6, “Fidelity”)
Character: a husband whose wife – the Patient of the Week – turns out to have been unfaithful.

Amanda Seyfried (Ep. 1.11, “Detox”)
Character: girlfriend to the Patient of the Week.

Scott Foley (Ep. 1.12, “Sports Medicine”)
Character: a baseball player suffering cadmium poisoning from all the pot he’s been smoking.

Joe Morton (Ep. 1.17, “Role Model”)
Character: a senator suffering the after-effects of an epilepsy treatment from childhood

John Cho (Ep. 1.20, “Love Hurts”)
Character: a guy who, after spilling apple juice on House’s clothes, ends up being diagnosed by him as having had a stroke. Upon further investigation, it’s determined that he has a trauma-induced aneurysm as a result of a preference for sadomasochism.

Carmen Electra (Ep. 1.21, “Three Stories”)
Character: While begrudgingly lecturing a classroom of medical students about a past patient who is depicted as looking like Carmen Electra playing miniature golf. In reality, the patient was actually a male golfer…and he played regular golf, by the way. (Who knew miniature golf could be so sexy?)

LL Cool J (Ep.2.1, “Acceptance”)
Character: a death-row inmate suffering from pheochromocytoma.

Ron Livingston (Ep. 2.4, “TB or Not TB”)
Character: a famous doctor who thinks he has tuberculosis. He doesn’t. It’s actually a tumor and a pancreas problem.

Taraji P. Henson (Ep. 2.6, “Spin”)
Character: the publicist for a famous bicyclist.

Cynthia Nixon (Ep. 2.9, “Deception”)
Character: an anemic woman who turns out to suffer from Münchausen’s syndrome.

Elle Fanning (Ep. 2.11, “Need to Know”)
Character: a little girl whose mom is swiping her Ritalin.

Howard Hesseman (Ep. 2.14, “Sex Kills”)
Character: a man who, in addition to suffering from a brain infection, is also sleeping with his ex-wife, who’s estranged from their daughter. It’s a family affair!

Michelle Trachtenberg (Ep. 2.16, “Safe”)
Character: a teenage girl who, in addition to having survived a car accident only by having a heart transplant, ends up suffering from an acute case of Tick in the Vagina. I only wish I was joking.

Jayma Mays (Ep. 2.18, “Sleeping Dogs Lie”)
Character: a poor, sweet girl who’s contracted bubonic plague through the fleas of her dog.

Thomas Dekker (Ep. 2.19, “House vs. God”)
Character: a faith healer who, rather embarrassingly, turns out to be suffering from a nasty case of herpes.

William Katt (Ep. 2.19, “House vs. God”)
Character: the father of the aforementioned faith healer.

D.B. Sweeney (Ep. 2.23, “Who’s Your Daddy?”)
Character: an old buddy of House’s who finds himself in the midst of a Katrina-related paternity situation.

Elias Koteas (Ep. 2.24, “No Reason”)
Character: a former patient of House’s who’s so disgruntled that he storms into the hospital and promptly shoots House twice. Which, really, isn’t all that surprising.

Kathleen Quinlan (Ep. 3.1, “Meaning”)
Character: the wife of a brain cancer surgery patient who’s paralyzed and in a wheelchair.

Sheryl Lee (Ep. 3.2, “Cane and Able”)
Character: the mother of a seven-year-old boy suffering from rectal bleeding and claims of being tortured by aliens.

Joel Grey (Ep. 3.3, “Informed Consent”)
Character: a noted cancer doctor who, as a result of suffering from the disease himself, begs House for euthanasia.

John Larroquette (Ep. 3.7, “Son of Coma Guy”)
Character: a gentleman in a vegetative state who, thanks to a cocktail of L-Dopa and amphetamines, is awakened long enough to reconnect with his son.

Patrick Fugit (Ep. 3.8, “Whac-A-Mole”)
Character: an 18-year-old who has a heart attack because, as it turns out, he needs a bone marrow transplant.

Meagan Good (Ep. 3.11, “Words and Deeds”)
Character: a firefighter who stands beside one of her medically-challenged coworkers

Dave Matthews (Ep. 3.15, “Half-Wit”)
Character: a pianist deals with a neurological condition which may impair his ability to play.

Kurtwood Smith (Ep. 3.15, “Half-Wit”)
Character: the father of the aforementioned pianist.

Marc Blucas (Ep. 3.16, “Top Secret”)
Character: a veteran who claims to have a nasty case of Gulf War Syndrome but is actually stuck with hereditary hemorrhagic telangiectasia instead.

Bailee Madison (Ep. 3.19, “Act Your Age”)
Character: a six-year-old who’s been affected by their father’s sexual-enhancement cream and, as a result, is going through puberty early.

Lyndsy Fonseca (Ep. 3.22, “Resignation”)
Character: a 19-year-old martial artist drinks drain cleaner and then pretends she hasn’t.

Piper Perabo (Ep. 3.22, “Resignation”)
Character: a vegan and nutritionist who thinks House is interested in her for a job and then gets upset when she realizes it’s more about her, uh, other assets.

Frank Whaley (Ep. 4.5, “Mirror, Mirror”)
Character: a mystery man who comes into the hospital and claims to have numerous symptoms while also suffering from some real ones.

Jeremy Renner (Ep. 4.9, “Games”)
Character: a grunge rocker whose addition to heroin is the least of his problems.

Mira Sorvino (Ep. 4.11, “Frozen”)
Character: a researcher in Antarctica who has to be diagnosed by House via webcam.

Felicia Day (Ep. 5.2, “Not Cancer”)
Character: a teacher who had a corneal transplant and is now dealing with a major brain problem.

Breckin Meyer (Ep. 5.3, “Adverse Events”)
Character: an artist who suffers from a gastrointestinal mass after taking an experimental antacid.

Sherilyn Fenn (Ep. 5.11, “Joy to the World”)
Character: the mother of a teenage girl suffering from both pregnancy and terminal cancer.

Judy Greer (Ep. 5.18, “Here Kitty”)
Character: a woman convinced that she’s going to die because a cat with a disconcerting tendency to sleep next to people on the last night of their lives slept next to her.

Mos Def (Ep. 5.19, “Locked In”)
Character: a guy who gets into a bicycle accident and gets locked-in syndrome for this trouble, meaning that he can think and is fully aware but can’t move or tell anyone of his awareness.

Meat Loaf (Ep. 5.20, “Simple Explanation”)
Character: a terminal patient who, like his life’s not bad enough already, has to endure watching his wife start to succumb to a resperatory ailment.

Carl Reiner (Ep. 5.24, “Both Sides Now”)
Character: an elderly man who claims to have a “squawking ” problem – his term for acid reflux, apparently – but actually has pancreatic cancer.

Curtis Armstrong (Ep. 6.1, “Broken”)
Character: One of House’s fellow patients at Mayfield Psychiatric Hospital.

James Earl Jones (Ep. 6.3, “The Tyrant”)
Character: a dying African dictator who nobody wants to save because he’s pro-ethnic-cleansing. Can you blame them, though? I mean, really…

Joshua Malina (Ep. 6.9, “Wilson”)
Character: a former patient of Wilson’s who asks him for part of his liver and, after getting it, proceeds to prove himself to be as much of a user as House is.

Ethan Embry (Ep. 6.10, “The Down Low”)
Character: a drug dealer suffering from the repeated aneurysms brought on by Hughes-Stovin Syndrome.

Orlando Jones (Ep. 6.12, “Moving the Chains”)
Character: Foreman’s brother. They’re not real close.

Laura Prepon (Ep. 6.14, “Private Lives”)
Character: A workaholic blogger with a case of Whipple’s Disease. It’s a gastrointestinal disorder. Any more detail would just freak us both out.

Sarah Wayne Callies (Ep. 6.18, “Open and Shut”)
Character: a woman whose open marriage makes it decidedly difficult to determine her ailment.

Jennifer Grey (Ep. 7.5, “Unplanned Parenthood”)
Character: a woman who gives birth to a baby with breathing problems, only to find out that she has melanoma and has passed it on to her child.

Amy Irving (Ep. 7.3, “Unwritten”)
Character: the author of a popular series of children’s books who has a seizure in the middle of trying to commit suicide.

Jack Coleman (Ep. 7.6, “Office Politics”)
Character: a senator’s campaign manager who has kidney failure. Oh, also, he probably had sex with the senator.

Matthew Lillard (Ep. 7.9, “Larger Than Life”)
Character: a musician who learns that parents aren’t fucking around when they tell you that chicken pox can be a major hassle when contracted by adults.

Donal Logue (Ep. 7.20, “Changes”)
Character: a lottery winner whose paralysis and cancer may or may not be the result of his new millionaire lifestyle.

David Costabile (Ep. 7.20, “Changes”)
Character: the lottery winner’s shady cousin.

Michael Pare (Ep. 8.1, “Twenty Vicodin”)
Character: The warden of the prison House gets thrown in after driving his car into Cuddy’s house.

Wentworth Miller (Ep. 8.3, “Charity Case”)
Character: a philanthropist who, in the midst of his own medical issues, offers to donate a kidney to a patient.

Michael Nouri (Ep. 8.4, “Risky Business”)
Character: a businessman whose constant trips to China may be the cause of his medical woes.

Billy Connolly (Ep. 8.14, “Love is Blind”)
Character: the man who would be House’s next stepfather. (In other words, the guy’s sleeping with House’s mom.)

Peter Weller (Ep. 8.20, “Post Mortem”)
Character: another physician at the hospital, one who looks suspiciously like the man who directed this episode.

James LeGros (Ep. 8.22, “Everybody Dies”)
Character: a drug addict who causes House to reflect on his life.

Chi McBride (Season 1)
Character: a billionaire pharmaceutical company owner who donates US$100 million to the hospital in return for becoming chairman of the board. He doesn’t like House. At all. Which is why he leaves quickly.

Sela Ward (Seasons 1 & 2)
Character: House’s ex-girlfriend, who turns up because she wants him to treat her husband, who’s suffering from acute intermittent porphyria. House thinks he’s going to get back together with his ex. He’s wrong.

Charles S. Dutton (Seasons 2 & 3)
Character: Foreman’s rather religious father.

R. Lee Ermey (Seasons 2 & 5)
Character: House’s father. Except it later turns out that he wasn’t actually House’s father after all. But that doesn’t stop him from grieving when he dies.

Diane Baker ( Seasons 2, 5 & 8 )
Character: House’s mother. Things get weird when she finds someone new in the wake of her husband’s death.

David Morse (Season 3)
Character: a clinic patient of House’s who gets pissed off at the way House treats him, and because he’s a detective, he proceeds to make House’s life a living hell for several episodes.

Leighton Meester (Season 3)
Character: House’s stalker. Actually, she only stalked him for two episodes, but it still technically counts.

Kadeem Hardison (Season 3)
Character: House’s attorney while he’s being taunted by David Morse’s character

Fred Durst (Season 4)
Character: the bartender who took House’s keys and forced him to ride the bus home, which subsequently wrecked and killed Amber (Anne Dudek), Wilson’s girlfriend.

Lori Petty (Season 5)
Character: a patient involved in the Huntington’s disease drug trials with Thirteen.

Andre Braugher (Season 6)
Character: House’s therapist when he’s doin’ time at the Mayfield Psychiatric Hospital. The two end up bonding somewhat after House’s release.

Cynthia Watros (Seasons 6 & 7)
Character: Wilson’s first wife. They start dating again. It doesn’t work out. Again.

Candice Bergen (Season 7)
Character: Cuddy’s mother

Paula Marshall (Season 7)
Character: Cuddy’s sister.

(9 – 10 PM, Sept. 26)

The competition: Dancing with the Stars (ABC), Two and a Half Men / Mike & Molly (CBS), The Sing-Off (NBC), House (Fox)

Starring: Rachel Bilson, Jaime King, Wilson Bethel, Cress Williams, Scott Porter

Executive producers: Leila Gerstein, Josh Schwartz, Stephanie Savage, Len Goldstein and Donald Todd

What the network says: “Fast-talking New Yorker Zoe Hart has her life all figured out: after graduating top of her class from medical school, she’ll follow in her father’s footsteps as a cardio-thoracic surgeon in New York City. But life has other plans for Zoe. Turned down for the prestigious fellowship she had been certain she would get, Zoe is without a job and without a plan. Desperate, she decides to finally respond to the kindly stranger, Dr. Harley Wilkes, whom she met at her medical school graduation and who had offered her a place at his small medical practice in Bluebell, Alabama. She swallows her considerable pride and heads down South – temporarily, she assures herself.”

What we say: If you thought the worst thing about “Hart of Dixie” would be trying to buy Bilson as a surgeon, you’re wrong. In addition to painting the character of Zoe with the sort of broad strokes where she starts the pilot as a complete bitch who’s dismissive of living in a small Southern town and ends it as a thoughtful young woman who believes the people of Bluebell just might have a few life lessons to teach her, the proceedings tend to be little more than cornpone cliches slathered atop a heaping helping of schmaltz. There are a few clever lines and amusing characters, like the mayor of Bluebell, a former football player who regularly refers to himself in the third person, but viewers below the Mason-Dixon line will likely sneer at the way they’re portrayed, while everyone else will just roll their eyes and switch over to…well, just about anything else, really.

Tuesday

(9 – 10 PM, Sept. 13)

The competition: Dancing with the Stars (ABC), NCIS: Los Angeles (CBS), The Biggest Loser (NBC), New Girl / Raising Hope (Fox)

Starring: Sarah Michelle Gellar, Nestor Carbonell, Mike Colter, Ioan Gruffudd

Executive producers: Pam Veasey, Jon Liebman and JoAnne Colonna

What the network says: “Bridget Kelly is a recovering addict, struggling to turn her life around. She’s six months sober, and beginning to get back on track, when she witnesses a professional hit. She’s placed in federal protection under the watch of Victor Machado, an agent determined to see that justice is done. But Bridget knows that Victor can’t keep her safe and she flees, telling no one, not even her close friend and Narcotics Anonymous sponsor Malcolm Ward. Hoping to buy some time, Bridget contacts her identical twin sister, Siobhan Martin, and joins her in New York City, reuniting with her for the first time in six years. Siobhan is fabulously wealthy, with a strikingly handsome husband, Andrew, who has no idea that Bridget exists. When Siobhan suddenly disappears, seemingly taking her own life, Bridget makes the split decision to take on her sister’s identity.”

What we say: With so many unabashed “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” fans among the writing staff, no one wants to see Sarah Michelle Gellar succeed in a series more than Bullz-Eye, but for that to happen, viewers are going to have to get past the painful sequences at the beginning of the pilot where Gellar interacts with herself. If you can get beyond that, Gellar’s interactions with the trifecta of Carbonell, Colter, and Gruffudd may offer enough charisma to keep people coming back, but given that we weren’t even halfway through the pilot before we started wondering incessantly just how long Bridget was going to be able to perpetuate her chicanery, things are going to have to get really interesting really quickly for the show to maintain the initial “welcome back to the small screen, Sarah Michelle” momentum in the ratings.

Wednesday

(8 – 9 PM, Sept. 14)

The competition: The Middle (ABC), Survivor (CBS), Up All Night / Free Agents (NBC), The X Factor (Fox)

Host: Mario Lopez

Executive producers: Mike Fleiss, Lisa Gregorisch-Dempsey, Mario Lopez and Jeremy Spiegel

What the network says: “Celebrities are constantly in the public eye – but not everyone is a fan. Each week, celebrities from the world of television, sports and music will come face-to-face with their biggest ‘haters’ to try to win them over.”

What we say: All we’ve seen thus far is a “presentation” to give us a feel for what the show will be like, but it now appears that the season premiere is going to feature the same material, namely Snooki from “Jersey Shore” and Jake Pavelka from “The Bachelor” each confronting a “hater.” The concept itself isn’t so awful – it’s about time some of these internet trolls were taken to task by the people they’re mouthing off about from the safety of their computers – but based on the sampling of future “stars” who’ll be appearing on the show, it’s clear that the word “celebrity” is going to be pretty relative. Given the competition, it’s hard to imagine that reality-show alumni facing off against their “haters” are going to pull sufficient ratings to make much of a ratings dent against actual reality shows like “Survivor” and “The X-Factor.”

Thursday

(9 – 10 PM, Sept. 15)

The competition: Grey’s Anatomy (ABC), Person of Interest (CBS), The Office / Whitney (NBC), Bones (Fox)

Starring: Britt Robertson, Thomas Dekker, Gale Harold, Phoebe Tonkin, Shelley Hennig, Jessica Parker Kennedy

Executive producers: Kevin Williamson, Andrew Miller, Les Morgenstein and Gina Girolamo

What the network says: “Cassie Blake is a normal, happy teenager, leading an everyday life with her devoted single mom, Amelia. But when her mother dies in what Cassie thinks is a tragic, accidental fire, her world is turned upside down. Cassie moves in with her warm and loving grandmother Jane in the beautiful small town of Chance Harbor, Washington – where the residents seem to know more about her than she knows about herself.”

What we say: The fact that it’s from Williamson, most recently known to CW viewers as the man who brought them “The Vampire Diaries,” may lead everyone who’s aged out of their teens to believe that “The Secret Circle” will be at best no more than another guilty pleasure that they’ll never publicly admit to watching. “Circle,” however, begins without the bandwagon-jumping feel that “Vampires” had at the outset – “It’s just like ‘Twilight,’ except it’s on every week!’ – and instantly offers a dark, intriguing premise as well as all the teen angst you’ve come to expect from a Williamson project. Yes, many oldsters will smile knowingly at the similarities to “The Craft” when the bitchy teen witches hit the screen, but it feels more like an homage than a rip-off. This could prove to be one of the more enjoyable series of the season. Stay tuned.