Right down to the sexy female dancers who liven up the breaks and its highly distinctive award statue, “the Mantlers,” it’s easily the most laid back and honestly silly awards show I’ve seen. It’s also the only award show we know of which contains R-rated profanity in one of its award titles: the “Funniest Motherf*cker” award, this year being given to Jim Carrey. It’s safe the say the show was completely irreverent about everything, except for its commendable commitment to drawing attention to the bravery and sacrifices made by members of our armed forces.

Speaking of Jim Carrey, the famed comic provided a remarkable bit of comedy dealing with the always absolutely never hilarious topic of..oh, Lord, we’d better just leave it alone. You don’t want to know. Carrey himself made it clear that children and other sensitive people were better off not hearing the routine before proceeding with a shocking and explosively funny performance, abetted by the sensitive stylings of violinist Neil Hammond.

More traditionally edgy and hilarious at certain points, but a lot longer, was a marathon bit by faux canine Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog, aka comic genius Robert Smigel. The latter merited a bad on-camera review from Sean Penn who between this show and his criticism of Ricky Gervais at Golden Globes, seems to be developing a side career as a real-time award show comedy critic.

Justin Timberlake less controversially proved himself to be, once again, no comic slouch, while promoting the charms of the co-star of his next flick, “Friends with Benefits,” the beautiful and talented Mila Kunis. Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards distinguished himself by simply being alive to pick up his award and being the innately humourous individual he is.

And so it went. I’ll have a few choice quotes from the show at the end of this piece. First, though, let’s talk about the folks we met on the Red Carpet.

Sadly, but not unexpectedly, the likes of Kunis, Carry, Timberlake, Richards, Jennifer Aniston, Penn and presenter/winners Mark Wahlberg and Robert De Niro were kept far away from the likes of us. Even Triumph was on too short a leash to be within licking distance. Nevertheless, we did speak to a few folks of interest to a great many guys, with Mixed Martial Arts lightweight champion Eddie Alvarez leading the way.

What your correspondent knows about sports in general and this very new sport in particular would fit on the head of a smaller than average pin, but I nevertheless ventured a couple of questions with the Philadelphia-bred 27 year-old, nicknamed “the Silent Assassin.” Because my mind naturally goes to the controversial place, I asked about the safety issue in regards to his somewhat controversial calling. Alvarez was ready to reassure me.

“The MMA sport has been proven to be safer than many other sports. There’s a misconception out there and that’s why some of the top fighters in each [MMA] organization are out there to educate people…The fighters that are going out there to fight are prepared. They know what they’re getting into and the sport is a lot safer than people think.”

So, had Alvarez’s fighting success led him to any interesting career places? “I fight every so often on MTV [he's emerged victorious on 'Bully Beatdown']. I’ve been all over the world — Japan, Russia, Costa Rica,” said Alvarez who certainly seemed to be enjoying his day in the sun.

Next up was actor Robert Romanus, an actor with over 50 credits to his name but whose claim to movie fame remains playing the swaggering Mike Damone, who schools Mark “Rat” Ratner (Brian Becker) on the ways of sex in the now legendary teen comedy, “Fast Times at Ridgemont High.” The movie was being saluted by Guys Choice and Romanus was there as part of a group that included director Amy Heckerling (who still looks too young to be directing movies), and Oscar winners Forest Whitaker and Sean “Don’t Call Me Spicoli” Penn.

I couldn’t help bringing up what everybody brings up, the large number of actors in the cast who went on to greater fame, including also Jennifer Jason Leigh and such bit players as Eric Stoltz, Anthony Edwards, and, uh, Nicolas Cage. I don’t know what meanness brought out this rather impossible question, but did anyone’s subsequent success surprise him? (What’s he supposed to say, “Yeah, that Penn kid and Jennifer Jason What’s-Her-Name were a couple a real no-talents!”?)

“No, not really. To be honest with you, everybody on that set was really a good actor. Dedicated. It was cast really well. People knew what they were doing even though they were young.”

When I asked if there was anything else in his long career he thought maybe hadn’t gotten the attention it deserved, the actor, who plays and sings with the L.A. area band Poppa’s Kitchen, used a pop musical metaphor.

“It’s like an album cut. Some of them are hits, some of them are just Side-Bs. You’ll never see ‘em; you won’t listen to ‘em. For me, once I’m done, it’s over. The process is the fun part.” As for what he’s up these days, “always looking for work” was Romanus’s commendably straightforward answer.

Next up was a brief cameo from the very attractive hostesses of Spike TV’s gamer geek friendly “GameTrailers,” Amanda McKay and Justine Ezarik. As we speak, the pair are gearing for the gigantic E3 gaming expo in downtown Los Angeles.

That was followed by my favorite encounter of the evening. It was with five of the seven actresses who so memorably and precisely portrayed Mickey Ward’s extremely memorable sisters from “The Fighter.” Though, like a fool I forgot to ask everyone their names, and I’m therefore not 100% sure which actress the quote below comes from, I can at least say that the women pictured belowed are (I think) Kate B. O’Brien (Conan O’Brien’s sister!), Melissa McMeekin, Bianca Hunter, Jenna Lamia (who I think did the talking, but don’t quote me on that), and Erica McDermott.

I started out by asking about the much discussed sequel, which they told me was, as far as they knew, just a rumor, but one in which they were very much in favor. (The main source of those “rumors” has been star and producer Mark Wahlberg, who seemed to confirm that it was done deal and a third and final sequel possible, while picking up Mantlers on stage in the presence of director David O. Russell, and real-life “fighters.”)

Since in person the acting “sisters” really do seem much, much less intimidating and a more than a little healthier than the Eklund/Ward sisters from the film, I asked if they ever get recognized. It had happened when they were together but they seemed to agree that not being recognized individually as one of the characters they played was something of a compliment. Since I really was impressed by the realism and intensity of their performances, I asked if there were any actor exercises to achieve the strong group dynamic on display in the Oscar-winning movie.

“We got to meet the actual women that we were playing. I’ve never done that before. We had drinks with them and hung out in their kitchen and talked about life; there’s nothing better than that.”

I mentioned I was especially impressed by their group dynamic in opposition to Charlene Fleming-Ward, as portrayed by Amy Adams.

“We bonded so quickly amongst us that we really did feel like we were sisters. Then we tried to somewhat keep our distance from Amy. She’s a lovely girl, but we did try and keep our distance a little bit so that that would show.”

Next up was possibly the most famous face in the tech geek community this side of Steve Jobs or Guy’s Choice nominee Mark Zuckerberg, Kevin Pereira, host of G4′s “Attack of the Show” since 2005. So, I asked him, what’s the biggest thing in geek culture these days?

“Anything that has a lowercase ‘i’ people get excited for. iPads, iPhones, iBongs, it doesn’t matter…The tablet space is going to heat up very soon. Honeycomb, from Google, it’s their portable operating system. That’s really improving greatly. Manufacturers are really hopping on board for that. And, the new previews for Windows 8 shows that it’s going to be an awesome, touch-enabled interface.”

From their, our conversation immediately went downhill intellectually as we somehow wound up discussing the tragedy of liberal Democratic congressman Anthony Weiner. At that point, he had yet to come clean in that now legendary press conference. At this point he had been reduced to lying that he could not be sure whether or not the genitalia in question belonged to him or someone else, though he was sure he hadn’t sent them.

“You should know what your own penis looks like from any angle,” Pereira opined. “I’m sorry. As a man, that’s the one thing you should be able to pick out of a line-up. ‘Is that my dick? I don’t know I see so many of them in my in-box.’”

From there it wasn’t too far a stretch to ask what was the most controversial topic topic among the G4 viewership. It turned out to be a more loaded question than I knew.

“We get a lot of hate mail every day from pretty much every group you can imagine. We’re a pretty sexist, racist, vile show, but we review technology — it’s okay, you can do that. We do get a lot letters every day about different games…whether it’s for the cell phone, the web browser or whatever, people just want to be entertained and ignore the real world.”

And with those wise words, it was time for things to begin winding down as the show itself got underway. Competitive eater Joey Chestnutt stopped by next to say some kind words to the troops via the American Forces Network, but I would have prefered to go with the picture I got of the lovely and talented Eva Mendes, who was chatting with Telemundo on the other side of me. The bad news is, none of my pictures of her came out very well. The good news was I had better luck getting a decent shot of newly minted  “Charlies’ Angels” TV-reboot costar Annie Ilonzeh.

Finally, there was the brief visit from “Reno 911” creators Thomas Lennon and Robert Ben Garant, better known to the show’s viewers as Lieutenant Jim Dangle and Deputy Travis Junior. Since I was also located next to reporters from American Forces Network (formerly Armed Forces Network), they stopped by to give a shout out to the troops and promise to continue “being funny” in return for the bravery of our soldiers and for “finding folks in Pakistan that need killin’.'”

“It seems like they’re all there,” Lennon added, reacting to the laughs. “Just the last ten or so.”

******

And, as promised, here are a few of our favorite quotes from the evening.

“It’s no secret that comedy comes from pain. So I would be remiss if I were to accept this award without thanking my Uncle Basil, for raping me anally at a remote lake north of Sudbury, Ontario….”
– Jim Carrey

“Michelle Bachman told supporters that our founding fathers ended slavery. She’s the presidential candidate for voters who like Sarah Palin, but are intimidated by smart women.”
– Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog.

“There’s a PETA demonstration going on outside. I think they’re calling for a dog with a cigar to be put down.”
– Sean Penn

“I’ve got to call Clint Eastwood and ask him how he displays his balls.”
– Keith Richards, picking up the “Brass Balls” award

Ah, but the show did have its good points, along with some less than good points. Here’s the Bullz-Eye breakdown of the 2011 Academy Awards.

The show was short

It was over in three hours and 15 minutes, making it the shortest broadcast since 2005. And had Kirk Douglas not done that “You know…” bit over and over, it would have been five minutes shorter. But it’s hard to fault Douglas for that since it was one of the better improv moments of the evening.

Anne Hathaway

Did we mention that she’s hot, as in ‘would look good in a suit of armor’ hot? And the bit where she poked fun at her own movie by saying, “You know, it used to be that you get naked, you get an Oscar. Not anymore.” Then, one more time, wistfully, “Not anymore.” Gold. And that last dress she wore…wow. We found it extremely difficult to take our eyes off of her breasts, which was surely the point.

“Inception” won more Oscars than we were expecting

We knew the technical awards were a lock, but stealing the Cinematography Oscar from the Deke (that would be Roger Deakins, who shot “True Grit“) was a shocker. And yet, despite winning four Oscars and being nominated for Best Picture and Original Screenplay, the Academy didn’t see fit to nominate Christopher Nolan for Best Director. Ugh.

They weren’t afraid to make fun of Charlie Sheen

Though, as one of our Popdose colleagues observed, the show probably would have been a lot more entertaining had he hosted.

Randy Newman

God love him. Even he knows the score that if you’re on screen, you damn well better be entertaining. “I want to be good television!” The sad thing is that, as we watched him win his second Oscar – in 20 attempts – we had a horrible thought: if he came along today, no major label would even think of signing him.

Trent Reznor is an Oscar winner

And rightfully so, though in a perfect world, he and Atticus Ross would have been dueling it out with Daft Punk (“TRON: Legacy“) for Best Score. The Frenchies was robbed, we tells ya.

James Franco

We love James Franco. He turned in our favorite performance of the year in “127 Hours.” But he was, um, off last night, leading some to speculate that he was high. Personally, we think Franco is way too smart to do something so boneheaded; just because he played a friendly stoner in “Pineapple Express” doesn’t mean he is one. Dude’s too busy to get high. But it seemed as though he was playing his character in “Freaks and Geeks,” as if that was at all a good idea.

Cate Blanchett’s dress

Everything else about Cate was stunning. Cute hair, lovely figure, wry smile, ba-boom ba-boom ba-boom. But that dress…what the hell? It looked like a tablecloth, one that had lemon cream pie spilled at the shoulders.

Tom Hooper winning Best Director

There is an argument that there is no bad acting, only bad direction, and by that standard, Tom Hooper did an outstanding job directing “The King’s Speech.” And truth be told, he did do an outstanding job directing that movie. But look at what David Fincher had to put together, the number of moving pieces, and the dialogue that his actors had to get just right. He should have won, plain and simple.

Christian Bale plugging a web site in his acceptance speech

Tacky, and the crowd let him know it.

Celine Dion singing during the “In Memoriam” piece

There wasn’t anyone else you could have found to sing that song? Really? Anne Hathaway is sitting right backstage. She can sing. And she doesn’t look like an alien.

Susanne Bier

The Danish filmmaker just won her first Academy Award for her film “In a Better World,” and here was the reaction from one of our party guests: “She has pit stains!” Ow.

There is nothing that Anne Hathaway can’t do

She can act, she can sing, she can do more accents than Meryl Streep, and she’s fucking gorgeous. We knew all of this already, of course, but seeing her do the Bahston accent in the opening sequence to the Oscars, plus seeing her pretend to be Russian and Texan in “Valentine’s Day” (to be honest, I can’t remember if she did a Russian voice; I tried to forget that movie as quickly as I could), proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is the official girl of our dreams.

You can’t shake Aaron Sorkin off with ‘wrap it up’ music

Dude just kept talking a good 45 seconds to a minute after the strings kicked in. Better yet, he didn’t even acknowledge them. Why dignify it? Awesome.

Maybe everything is better with Auto Tune

That musical sequence was the best joke of the evening, by a country mile. And in case any of you were wondering where they got the idea…

Melissa Leo is the Guns ‘n Roses of actresses

I was rooting for her to win – I guess my belief that she was an underdog was just that – but I have to say that I was hoping that she would give a better acceptance speech than that. She looked like a wide-eyed teenager. I bet Anna Paquin gave a more composed acceptance speech than that.

Funniest one-liner while watching the show

Jason Zingale, upon seeing Oprah Winfrey: “You get an Oscar, and you get an Oscar! And you get an Oscar!” We were laughing so hard that we didn’t have the heart to tell him that Oprah could have him killed for saying that.

If you play in a dead pool, you should probably have Kirk Douglas on your 2011 list

I don’t endorse dead pools, because that’s just a ghoulish thing to do, but damn, man, Kirk is in a bad way. Just sayin’.

More commentary tomorrow, but until then, let us just say: what the hell was up with Cate Blanchett’s dress? Did she lose a bet?

It should be stated for the record that while the editorial ‘we’ was used for the title of this column, the truth is that these are my picks and solely my picks. Let the first person speak begin.

The Academy Awards have become a bit of a bore in the last few years. There have been next to no surprises in the major categories, except for perhaps Marion Cotillard winning Best Actress in 2008 for “La Vie en Rose” or Alan Arkin winning Best Supporting actor in 2007 for “Little Miss Sunshine.” For the most part, it’s decided pretty early who’s going to win, which totally sucks, if you ask me. Of course, there are categories where there is a performance that clearly stands out above the others, but in many instances, people win their Oscars not because they’ve delivered something otherworldly, but because it’s their time, and they’re due, or other such nonsense. These aren’t lifetime achievement awards, and this isn’t a welfare system. If you give the award to the worthy party the first time around, there will be no need to “pay them back” later (cough, Al Pacino and Denzel Washington).

Take Tilda Swinton, for example. Do you know why she won the Academy Award for Supporting Actress? It’s because the voters knew that “Michael Clayton” was going to be shut out in every other category, so they threw Swinton a bone just so the movie walked away with at least one award. What the hell kind of logic is that? Did she really give the best performance or not? She was perfectly fine in the movie, but there was nothing extraordinary about it, certainly not compared to her hilariously stone-hearted harpy in “Burn After Reading.” Needless to say, the Academy’s predictability of late has led me to rebel, which is why on Sunday, I’d love nothing more than to hear the following five names be read instead of what we will probably hear.

Best Original Screenplay: Christopher Nolan, “Inception“

Current Frontrunner: David Seidler, “The King’s Speech”

“The King’s Speech” is a wonderful little film. It was #7 on my list of top movies of 2010. But that story has been done many, many times before, while “Inception” was so layered that it took 10 years for Christopher Nolan to finish it. Small stories are good stories, but when someone dares to, pardon the pun, dream like Nolan did here – and better yet, pull it off, which he does in spades – that should be rewarded. It would also serve as a warning shot across the bows of every action movie director that story matters, damn it, and to get rid of the jive-talking robots.

Best Supporting Actor: Geoffrey Rush, “The King’s Speech“

Current Frontrunner: Christian Bale, “The Fighter“

We called it three years ago: Christian Bale will win an Oscar before it’s said and done, and more likely sooner than later. Now it’s about to happen, and strangely, I wish it weren’t.

First off, credit where credit is due. Bale positively disappeared into the role of Dicky Eklund, shedding a bunch of weight to resemble the body type of a crack addict and sounding like an authentic born-and-raised Southie. It was flashy without being gimmicky, and that is the key to Oscar glory. There is just one teensy problem; his character doesn’t support the story – he’s a distraction to it, and every time the movie becomes Dicky-centric, it loses momentum. Which brings us to Rush, the heart and soul of “The King’s Speech” and without whom, as Roger Ebert astutely observed, “the movie is unthinkable.” “The Fighter” could survive without Dicky; “The King’s Speech” is dead in the water without Lionel.

Best Supporting Actress: Melissa Leo, “The Fighter”

Current Frontrunner: Hailee Steinfeld, “True Grit“

Now, here is the supporting performance that drives “The Fighter.” Like Bale, Melissa Leo also disappears into the character of Alice Ward, but unlike Bale, there isn’t that sense of watching someone act. Instead, it was more like watching someone be, something Leo is remarkably good at. She also seems to have a fondness for getting ugly on screen, if this and “Conviction” are any indication.

Of course, the general consensus is that Leo and Amy Adams will split the “Fighter” vote, opening the door for Steinfeld to become the latest child to win an Oscar…but she’s not really in a supporting role, is she? Nope, the academy rigged the vote so she wouldn’t have to go up against Annette Bening and Natalie Portman. Don’t you think that, should Steinfeld win, it would feel a little hollow that they bent the rules for her? Just sayin’.

Best Actor: James Franco, “127 Hours“

Current Frontrunner: Colin Firth, “The King’s Speech”
Colin Firth was humbled and regal. Jesse Eisenberg fired Aaron Sorkin’s one-liners like a sharpshooter. James Franco, meanwhile, carried his movie from start to finish. It was a one-man show, and better yet, thanks to the savvy editing, it didn’t feel like a one-man show. I think Franco’s biggest problem is that a lot of people refused to see the movie on principle once they realized they would have to watch someone (pretend to) cut his arm off, and I get that; I didn’t want to see it either, but was positively blown away by the movie, and Franco’s performance, once I did.

Firth has the buzz because he’s well liked and has carved out a nice, well regarded filmography for himself. But the race to an Oscar isn’t a marathon; it’s a sprint. And from here, Franco was running faster than everyone else.

Best Picture: “The Social Network“

Current Frontrunner: “The King’s Speech”

In the interest of full disclosure, my #1 movie of 2010 was “Black Swan.” For the sake of the awards, though, I’m changing my tune.

What we’re looking at is something akin to when “Forrest Gump” beat “Pulp Fiction” and “The Shawshank Redemption” for Best Picture in 1995 (though if we’re honest, few of us knew how truly great “Shawshank” was until it was released on video a few months after the Oscars). The Academy has a chance to award a movie that will transcend time – there is a reason many people speak of “The Social Network” as a movie that will define a generation – but they won’t, and I’m not exactly sure why. Perhaps the elder members of the academy can relate to “The King’s Speech” better than they can to a movie about a group of kids haggling in court over Internet money, so they’re choosing what makes them comfortable. That makes sense, I suppose. But here’s the thing – odds are, someone is going to make a movie a lot like “The King’s Speech” in the next 12 to 18 months. You won’t see another movie like “The Social Network,” however, for a long, long time.

Oh, and I’d also love to see “Exit Through the Gift Shop” win Best Documentary. The movie rules.