Bullz-Eye: The first thing I must tell you is that I have a seven-year-old daughter who says she’s pretty sure that she can cook scallops better than some of your contestants on this go-round of “Hell’s Kitchen.”

Gordon Ramsay: So has my daughter. [Laughs.] I have three daughters – 10, 11, and 13 – and Megan, the oldest, said, “Daddy, I can cook scallops better than any of your sous-chefs on ‘Hell’s Kitchen.’” So it gets a little bit embarrassing. But, you know, it’s not the one portion, it’s cooking for an entire restaurant that gets them, because it’s down to the timing. No one can prepare you better for that service than experience. You can’t just walk into it. You’ve got to be prepped big-time. So I suppose the big frustration at home, with everyone saying, “I can do better than that,” is because they’re looking at one portion. Yet the most important thing is cooking the scallops perfectly across the entire night.

BE: To start at the very beginning, I understand you were actually on your way to a career in football – by which I mean soccer, of course – at one point.

GR: Yeah, wow, a long time ago now. Yeah, you’re right, but, I mean, what do you do? Do you sit there and get bitter and think ‘it could’ve been’ or ‘it may have been’ or ‘what happens if,’ or do you get on with it? So I picked myself up. Mom and Dad were going through a real shitty divorce at the time, so it was sort of getting out of one big negativity spot and following your second dream. I think everybody deserves a second chance in life, and nobody’s perfect, so with head down…

I thought the food thing was the escape, really, because there’s the travel, there was the confluence of being taught a second language, and then I knew early on that…I never grew up with that dependency, clinging on to my mom and dad, so I wanted to become an individual, and living in France taught me huge amounts. Not just the love and the technique and the flair, but just how to survive.

BE: When you decided to go the culinary route, had you already had an established history in cooking, or was it just a spontaneous decision?

GR: I’d had a huge excitement with eating. [Laughs.] And Mom was always cooking. She worked as a cook in a local restaurant. I’d sort of hang out with her on a few occasions and wait until I was being picked up for soccer training, dropped back there after the soccer match. So I was always in there by her side, but I wasn’t obsessed by it. My first love was football. After that happened, I thought that was it: “I’m gonna be an amazing professional footballer!” And I was there for two years, then sadly injured and released. And the rest was history. So I was always excited by food, always keen to dissect and learn. “What’s in there? How’s that go?” Always smelling different things.

BE: Was there ever a point when you got frustrated and thought you might not be able to hack it, or did you just gradually work your way up the ranks?

GR: No, I just…every time I learned something, I wanted to get back in and take more shit. [Laughs.] So I got told very early on that the only way you can become a great chef is by making so many mistakes and not becoming comfortable. Working with one chef for 10 years is nowhere near as exciting as working for ten chefs, one year each. And I worked with six big chefs for six years. Every 12 months, I was like a butterfly. [Laughs.] I’d jump from the next one to the next one to the next one. And every time I went to a new chef’s kitchen, I forgot everything else I’d learned. They stripped out of me what I’d been taught previously, so I went back to the drawing board again. I also learned to cook without having the dependency on a salary. I just needed to survive, because the knowledge and the creativity of what I was being taught was so much more valuable than what I was actually earning.

BE: Do you still remember what your first signature dish was?

GR: My very first signature dish? Yes! My God, I did the most amazing ravioli of lobster. There was this extraordinary lobster bound with some fresh Scotch salmon and a puree of basil, and it was done in between these layers of saffron pasta, and it was served on fresh tomato coulis, served with a little bisque, like a vinaigrette of crushed shells, and fragrant with lemongrass. We sort of sprayed the plate with lemongrass first, so it had that perfume on there. It’s still on our menu today.

BE: Your first time in front of the camera was on the UK series “Boiling Point.”

GR: Well, I didn’t even realize I was being filmed at the time, hence the reason why I was so fucking mad. [Laughs.]

BE: So what was the transition like to go from being in the kitchen to in front of the camera?

GR: I still… [Hesitates.] Honestly, I do it in a way that I do my job and never think of anything in front of the camera. Because if I’m giving an instruction out for a challenge on “Masterchef” or running a service on “Hell’s Kitchen” or walking into one of my own restaurants that had problems and wanted to turn things upside down, I tend to forget the cameras are there. I made that promise myself every day. I never ask to play back, “Show me this, show me that.” I don’t want to get that precise with how I walk, talk, sound, so… I’m not saying that’s natural, but that’s me. So I never go in and set it up and play it as if I’m standing in front of a camera. The first thing I do every time… [Snaps his fingers.] I forget the cameras are there.

BE: Your new series, “Hotel Hell,” would seem to be a natural extension of “Kitchen Nightmares.” Was that indeed how it came about?

GR: Yeah, it’s a natural extension. I mentioned it earlier, but if I hadn’t have done it, someone else would’ve picked up on it. We’ve seen how many different variations of “Kitchen Nightmares” there are. And on cable shows as well. You think of that salon show with that lady Tabatha (Coffey), she does bars now as well. From hairdressing salons to bars…? I’m from restaurants to hotels, so there’s at least some synergy there. [Laughs.] I own restaurants inside of hotels, and I own a small boutique hotel. So I’m not saying I’m equipped 100%, but I’ve certainly got a lot of knowledge in terms of hotels.

BE: I have to say that passing out black lights to all of the critics after your panel was one of the scariest gifts you possibly could’ve given us.

GR: Yeah, and I meant it, too. [Laughs.] I’d love to give you a souvenir – a menu or some stuff like that – but fuck the foo-foo. I’ve got to be more of a realist with you. Because I was horrified, I was shocked, I was disgusted in what was being done in these places. I wasn’t impressed. And when you see the prices these people are charging… It was just embarrassing. Embarrassing.

BE: So how do you find time to cook, given all of the shows you’ve got going on?

GR: Yeah, that’s a very good question. [Laughs.] I’m in charge of my diary now, so everything’s planned a year in advance. This morning I was at the Farmer’s Market at The Grove, and I bought a long rib, and it’s in brine tonight. It’s going to be in brine for two days, and then with cardamom, smoked paprika, bay leaf, and some black pepper…this long rib is then going to be roasted with this beautiful pepper crust. It’s a new idea for my menu at The Fat Cow, opening up at the end of September at The Grove. So, no, I do still cook. [Laughs.] Also, I don’t think we’d be maintaining three Michelin stars if we didn’t continue that kind of excitement. And that’s exactly what we’re doing.

BE: Lastly, as far as the winners of “Hell’s Kitchen” from the various seasons, how long do they tend to stay with your restaurants? What’s the turnover rate?

GR: That’s a good question as well. I mean, the winner this year, as you know, goes to Steak. I always look at the winners of “Hell’s Kitchen” like the winners of “(American) Idol”: every two or three seasons, there’ll be someone that’s made it massively, and then there’s another one that disappears off the radar because they didn’t hit a #1. It’s exactly the same with cooking. So I leave them all the tools and there’s a substantial package – to the tune of a quarter of a million dollars – so if you can’t turn that into any form of success and use the platform, then… [Trails off.] I think our work succession rate, we have 2/3 of them that are still out there and pitching well. I think of Nona (Sivley, Season 8 winner), she’s extraordinary. And Paul (Niedermann), last season’s winner, he’s at BLT Steak, and he’s pretty phenomenal as well.

I mean, you wouldn’t forget someone who looks like this, would you?

And I was right, as it turns out.

Well, sort of, anyway: Iliza Shlesinger isn’t on CBS, per se, but she hosts the syndicated dating show “Excused, “which – provided it appears in your market – appears in on your TV screen courtesy of CBS Television Distribution. Funnily enough, I’d worked with her publicist on several past projects, which is why the publicist came up to me and asked, “Would you like to talk to Iliza?” Like I’d turn down an offer like that…

(Plus, as I told Ms. Shlesinger a few minutes later, I also immediately thought, “Hey, I’ve actually watched that show, so I won’t have to sit there bluffing my way through the next several minutes!”)

Iliza Shlesinger: Did you want to sit next to me?

Bullz-Eye: I can, if that’s permissible.

IS: I’ve saved this seat especially for you. Now, I’ve just eaten a piece of tuna, so don’t think I have bad breath.

BE: I won’t.

IS: I say that because you have bad breath…but hopefully only because I just saw you eat a piece of tuna, too.

BE: Let’s go with that, then. So I understand you guys have been picked up for a second season.

IS: Yes. Well, I hope so, anyway, because we’ve been filming it.

BE: And the schedule’s pretty ridiculous, from what I hear.

IS: We’ve been filming an episode a day, and we’re doing 100 episodes. Last season, we did 130. I’ve logged more TV hours than Regis Philbin.

BE: You just flew in from Canada, right?

IS:I did the Just for Laughs Festival in Montreal. We did a TV taping in front of 3,000 people last night. So I literally didn’t go to sleep and flew five hours to get here. And then I put this dress on.

BE: Which is an impressive feat in and of itself. How is it balancing your stand-up with the show?

IS: They feed each other, but at the same time it’s difficult, because you film all day, then you get out at 9:30 or 10 o’clock, and then I have to rush to the local comedy venues to get a couple of sets in to just keep sharp. So it is exhausting, and I can’t tour, but it’ll be worth it when we get done taping and I go back on tour. It’s important to do both, though, I think.

BE: How did you find your way into this gig in the first place?

IS: Excused? You wanna know the honest truth…?

BE: Sure, why not?

IS: I would love to say that they found me, but I auditioned. My manager called and said, “Do you wanna audition for a dating show?” And at first I said, “No,” but then I went to the audition, and they were so open to me having my own jokes, which you rarely see in comedy on TV, especially… I wasn’t a famous person, I wasn’t someone who had set any precedent with any sort of body of work, but they really let me come in and sort of shape the show. And I think the show you see today is a collaborative effort. Mostly from me. [Laughs.] And the producers allowing me and having enough faith in me to do the comedy I want and really trusting me to take it in those directions. So I’m eternally grateful for that.

BE: How hard is it to keep a straight face with some of these contestants?

IS: Not hard at all, because it’s seriously sad sometimes. [Laughs.] There have been times, and I’m sure they have them on outtakes somewhere, where I just lose it. And fortunately a lot of the comedy comes when I’m watching someone on the hidden camera, so they can’t see me keeping a straight face or not. And thank God for editing, because it’ll always look like I had the utmost candor. So that’s good.

BE: Did it take you awhile to find your rhythm doing the show, not having had a job like this before?

IS: Well, you know, comedy’s comedy. There’s different kinds of comedy, obviously, but…last year, when people came to the front door and I made fun of them, it was a lot of one-liners, and my act…I don’t do one-liners. I don’t do “yo mama” jokes. [Laughs.] So it was an exercise in a different form of comedy, and I so enjoyed it, because you get to use a different part of your comedy brain.

This year we’ve gotten rid of that part, but it’s more talking and finding comedy in the moment. Organic comedy, which I love. It’s crowd work, but with only a couple of people. So it’s good. [Hesitates.] You have great questions!

BE: And this is off the top of my head. I didn’t even know you were here!

IS: Well, they’re really good. I’m not joking with you. Like, usually the questions are so horrible, and it’s hard not to give jerky answers. But these are really good questions!

BE: [Blushing.] See, now you’ve complimented me, and now I’m drawing a blank.

IS: Should I start asking you questions?

BE: Yes, probably.

IS: Why did you grow that beard?

BE: Well, you know, it just kind of came naturally. I didn’t have to work very hard at it at all.

IS: [Laughs.] Nice.

BE: So it’s obviously at least partially out of your hands, but how long do you see yourself doing the show? Are you enjoying the experience?

IS: I do enjoy it. Like I said, it’s a grueling schedule. You’ve got to get up early every day, and…I’m not a make-up person and I’m not usually a tight-outfits person, but every day you’ve got to get up and get made up. But, you know, when you’re in the moment – and any comic will tell you this – it’s just like being on stage. It’s just so fun to do that. And at the end of the day, I get to make comedy during the day and at night. And not a lot of comics can say that for their careers.

BE: You mentioned that you’re not a one-liners kind of comedian. How would you describe your act for someone who hasn’t seen it?

IS: Observational. I’m more of a storyteller. Self-deprecating. Making fun of the world and just laughing with people. I mean, I think that’s what comedy’s about. You try to keep it honest, try to keep it intelligent. That’s something I try to bring to “Excused,” as hard as it is at times.

BE: Have you found that your audiences are recognizing you from the show now?

IS: It happens, yeah. Usually it’s, “You’re the girl from ‘Excused’!” No name. [Laughs.] And that’s fine. The more it’s on…I mean, it’s on enough that people are starting to pay attention to it. And one thing I’ve noticed is that, this fall, a lot of networks are launching comedy dating shows. I wonder where they got that idea…

BE: I can’t imagine.

IS: Nope. Me, neither. [Laughs.] So I like to think of myself…even though comedy dating shows have been around, I like to think of myself as the new age grandfather of comedy dating shows. Not as hot at Jenny McCarthy, but…I think we’re ushering in a new era of dating shows.

BE: Well, you know, Jenny McCarthy’s set the bar pretty high.

IS: Yeah. I can’t jump that bar. [Laughs.]

BE: So you said people are starting to say, “You’re the girl from ‘Excused,’” but is that a step up? Did they used to just say, “You’re the girl from that show’?”

IS: They used to say, “You’re the girl from ‘Last Comic Standing.’” Or any sort of bastardization of that title. [Laughs.] And then it’s usually, “You’re Alisa! Aliza! Uh…” And I know they mean well. The point is, they’ve seen the show. That’s what it’s all about. I always have my hair down, and I think that helps. Long blonde hair and a funny last name. It clicks. But, yeah, it’s happening more and more, and it’s pretty cool. It’s a cool thing to walk off an elevator and have someone be, like, “Oh!” And you know what? Not as many people as I thought, but…I’ve had about four people tell me I’m excused. I thought that was something that was going to plague me and eventually be the end of me.

BE: And it may yet.

IS: It may still. We’ll see how popular Season 2 is. But people have been pretty good about that. I think because they’re a little afraid of me. [Laughs.] And then I have people who Tweet me and ask me to excuse them. I’m, like, “I don’t know how awful-looking you are, so send me a picture…and send me five dollars.”

BE: Which actually ties into what I was getting ready to ask you: how has social networking helped your profile?

IS: You know, Twitter’s a great tool. It adds a lot of garbage to cyberspace because not everyone needs to know every thought, but it really helps people to get to know your brand of humor and your brand of comedy. And in terms of publicizing your shows and your side projects and your main projects…you know, if used properly, it’s a beautiful thing. It’s also lightning in a bottle. You know, you got one guy who Tweets something about his foot and gets a million hits, then you’ve got someone who Tweets constantly every day, and nobody’s reading them. You never know.

BE: Do you use YouTube to promote your act at all?

IS: I’m familiar with the YouTube. [Laughs.] It’s a tough thing, though. I know “Excused” has its own channel, which is great for outtakes and content that you don’t get watching TV…which, if you’re a fan of something, you want that premium content. But for comedy, it’s a tough thing, because when you put a bit on YouTube, that’s where it lives forever, in perpetuity. And you want sometimes to work on bits and then debut them later, so I usually pass on people filming my sets. I’d rather have the television channel film me and broadcast them. But I am on YouTube. Some of the clips are old, though. In fact, most of them are.

BE: Do you incorporate any of your experiences from “Excused” into your stand-up?

IS: You know, like I kind of mentioned earlier, I think they feed one another on some level. And the prowess that you gain from being on a show like this, where you always have to be on your toes, helps with stand-up. I have one or two bits, but…dating’s relatable, and human interaction certainly is, but what I actually do is so unrelatable. It’s hard to set up a joke with, “So you know when you’re on the set, hosting your dating show, and the director’s just so…” [Starts to laugh.]

BE: Actually, that’d be a great bit.

IS: Well, I’m going to start doing that, then. [Laughs.] If the show becomes popular enough, I can probably do that. But it’s like when celebrities try comedy, and they’re, like, “So you’re on a movie set…” People are, like, “Nope, never done that.” So you try to keep it humble and keep it simple.

BE: Who’s the most ridiculous contestant you’ve had on the show?

IS: “Who isn’t?” is the better question. You know, every week…there’s ridiculous and then there’s creepy and then there’s weird. We have people who…I dunno, usually when people get blackout drunk, that helps. Sometimes people take it too seriously and cry. I’m trying to think… Off the top of my head, I’ll give you the honest answer: after this many episodes, it gets a little blurry. So few things stick out. We did have one guy reveal that he had a genital disease. That was great.  [Laughs.] Real fun to witness. And I think it’s a little funny when they get angry. I think it’s funny when they get angry at me. I’m not the one determining their fate, whether they believe it or not. But I am the one speaking to them, so…I’m the easy excuse on “Excused,” I guess.

Tiring as hell, but definitely entertaining.

“When (Johnny Carson and I) talked, after 12 years of writing him, in 2002 he finally actually called me, and I thought it was a joke when on the PA it said “Peter, Johnny Carson on 601.” And he said, “Peter, it’s Johnny Carson. I want to tell you, you write a damn fine letter, but I’m not going to participate in anything on my life because, you know what? I don’t give a shit.” He said, “One day something may get done, and you know what? You’re probably the guy to do it. But it will never happen while I’m alive. I’ve done everything I’ve wanted to do. I’ve said anything I want to say. There is nothing more.” – director Peter Jones on trying to secure an interview with Johnny Carson for the long-gestating “American Masters: Johnny Carson”

“To be honest, it’s one of two minutes in a 90 minute episode, and it’s pre the 9 o’clock BBC watershed. There is nothing that you see. It’s very suggestive. It’s very clever camerawork, and it’s just a character device. It’s not about nudity being displayed in ‘Sherlock.’ She’s a dominatrix. Nudity is nothing to her, but it was no mean feat for me to shoot it being naked for eight hours in just a pair of Louboutin shoes. (It) was a challenge…and one I’ve never met before.” – Laura Pulver on her nude scene in “Sherlock II”

“One of the things that is amazing is to look back at a song that is so inevitable, like ‘Over The Rainbow.’ That’s like a folk tune. We all know it so well. And I discovered that (songwriter) Yip Harburg was having trouble coming up with an idea for the words that proceeded ‘rainbow.’ ‘Somewhere beyond the rainbow.’ ‘Somewhere near to the rainbow.’ It just didn’t feel right. And then he came up with ‘somewhere over the rainbow’ because, as a lyricist, he realized that the ‘o’ sound sang well, and it was a pleasing for a singer. And, technically, it worked right, and it gave him the right setting for the word ‘rainbow.’ ‘Somewhere over the rainbow.’ And then I discovered that, the end of that song, they were having trouble with it.

“Yip Harburg and Harold Arlen, Arlen being the composer and Harburg being a lyricist, they were having trouble with the last line of the song. And they were working at Ira Gershwin’s house, and they couldn’t come up with the idea to end the whole thing. They’d gone through the whole song, and they couldn’t come up with the end. And they were working for hours at Ira Gershwin’s house, and he was tired, and he wanted to go to bed. So he said, ‘What about ‘Birds fly over the rainbow. So why can’t I?’ And they said, ‘Hey!’ And he gave him the idea, the whole end of it, and then he came up with this: ‘If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow, why, oh, why can’t I?’ And when Mr. Gershwin was alive, I said, ‘Ira, why did you meddle in somebody else’s songwriting?’ He said, ‘Because it was late and I wanted to get to bed.’” – Michael Feinstein on “American Songbook II”

“I had great Italian American family that were in the grocery business. And it was during the Depression, and we were all very, very poor. The whole country, the majority of the country was really, really poor, a lot worse than it is today. And so my father died when I was ten and my brother and sister and I would entertain my family because my family all my uncles and nephews and aunts and relatives they all would come over on a Sunday and make a circle around my brother, sister, and I. And they were so knocked out with trying to make my mom feel good because she had to work on a penny a dress to raise three children, and the whole family felt so much for her, but they wanted to show her how much they loved her children. And they treated me and my brother and my sister with so much love, and they I remember at a very early age, they said to me, ‘Look at the way he makes us feel good, you know, and he’s so happy, and he’s always doing something to make us feel good, and look at the way he paints flowers and all that.’ I remember very clearly saying, ‘This is who I am. My family is telling me that I sing and I paint,’ and they created a tremendous gift in my life to continue that, and each year it’s become stronger and stronger. I will never retire, and, you know, if my voice goes, I’m still going to paint. I just want to keep improving as I go on, and it’s just taught me what a beautiful life it is to be possessed with. It’s not that I want to do it. I have to do it. And it will always be that way. I will never retire.” – Tony Bennett on the secret to his longevity

“They’re all saying, ‘Oh, my goodness! You’re 90!’ And I keep trying to explain, ‘Don’t give me any credit. I didn’t do anything to get to be 90. It just happened. I didn’t accomplish anything. It just came up on me.’ But I’m blessed with good health for which I’m deeply grateful, so for that reason, I feel so good. I’m just gonna have fun like, you know, always. Everybody else is far more excited about the 90 than I am.” – Betty White on her upcoming birthday

 “We just thought ‘Are You There, Chelsea?’ is a really kind of play on ‘Am I there? What am I thinking?’ There was all these little, you know, kind of different meanings to it. So we thought it was a funner play, you know. Not everybody is into alcohol as much as I am, so this is it’s not cable. It’s network. We wanted to have a broader appeal and make people feel like they could be interested in watching the show, whether or not they have as big of a drinking problem as I do.” – Chelsea Handler on changing the name of her show from “Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea.”

 “I don’t know if there are, like, any ‘Community’ fans, but…oh, this is a roomful of critics, so you are the ‘Community’ fans.” – Kyle Killen

“Well, I think with Cloris (Leachman), we’ve just learned that she’ll do anything we want her to do; she’s a gamer. If it’s funny, she will do it. And just on Friday it was: we had a tarantula crawl over her face while she was sleeping, and she didn’t budge. I mean, she’s sleeping, and the thing crawls over her face. And just like a pro, she kind of turns towards the lens so we know we can get more spider on the thing. So she’s great. The kids the babies hate the tarantulas. We put them all over them. They’re both a couple of pussies, really, when it comes down to the spiders. No, with the kids, I don’t know. We’re learning every day what we can do with them because, as they get older, just as, you know, with your own kids, it’s like one second they’ll sit and sit still, and another second, they won’t. So that’s just a constant kind of keeping an eye on the kids and seeing what we can ask them to do. And we ask their parents, “What are they doing that’s cute?” And then we try to write that in.” – executive producer Greg Garcia on the cast of “Raising Hope”

“I was super grateful, super thrilled, and I really was extraordinarily passionate about it. I was incredibly surprised. I think I described the feeling last year because I’d done a few shows before, I kind of felt like Goldilocks, you know, trying on different outfits and different places, like NBC was just a little too this, and ABC was just a little too that, and FOX felt just right, and it was all going along great. Now I’ve kind of determined that I’m a little bit more like Tinkerbell. It’s like when Tinkerbell was dying and Peter Pan was like saying, ‘Do you believe in fairies? Do you believe in fairies?’ And everybody in the audience was like, ‘Yes, I do believe. I do believe.’ And that’s sort of how I feel about the show.” – Christian Slater on the resurrection of “Breaking In”

 “I’ve always wanted to get in her pants, and every now and then she lets me.” – Steven Tyler’s comments on Jennifer Lopez’s wardrobe, which are fantastic when taken out of context

 “I did, like, a web series just out of school, but I had never had a proper professional television job, and I went to the pre read with the casting directors and felt like I did okay. And then I got a callback, and I met April and Gavin there, and I felt like it went well. And then I didn’t hear anything for, like, two weeks, and I, when I was in school, produced a feature length documentary that is still in postproduction but almost done, and I write. So I was, like, I’ll create my own work. And I was in a cafe working on a script that I was writing, and I got a phone call that was I testing for the show. And I had never tested for anything before, and so I was very excited, and to be kind to the other patrons, I decided to step out of the cafe instead of yelling. As I stepped out of the cafe, there was a step into the parking lot, and I fell and broke my ankle. ‘Oh, my gosh. I’m so excited. My ankle really hurts.’ And, you know, it started swelling, and I thought it was just a sprain, and I had a doctor like put me in this big sort of robo-boot, and I went to the test and hopped around in the boot and fortunately got cast and then found out it was broken and didn’t get recast, thank God.” – Erica Dasher on getting the lead in “Jane by Design”

“I auditioned against six other James Van Der Beeks for this role. I was lucky that four of them were not actors, and two of them didn’t speak English so by default, it was me. It’s this has been the most fun I think I’ve ever had doing anything. We came up with this character. By Episode 3, I thought it bore, you know, less and less resemblance to me, which just made it even more fun.I said to Natch and David at the beginning, I said don’t ever be afraid of offending me; let’s just always go for what’s funniest, and we’ll see where it takes us.” – James Van Der Beek on playing a caricature of himself

“I’m not going to admit everything, but there are some things that I do know that there’s that will not be offensive like, say, in Mexico, but it might be offensive in like Nicaragua or Spain or something. That’s true. There are some words that aren’t swear words for the Mexican culture, but definitely in the Dominican Republic, that’s a bad word. So for me, it’s just been kind of sitting back and going, ‘Okay. I think we’re okay.’ But we’ve been pretty what we don’t want to do is go out of our way to be offensive. I think we want to do a show that everybody can laugh at and enjoy and not, you know, find out that the Dominican ambassador is calling, you know, CBS.” – Rob Schneider

“I remember when I was, I suppose, about 29 or 30, I was having a cup of coffee with John Hurt, a great chap that some of you might be aware of, and we were bemoaning the fact that there were an awful lot of good, young actors beginning to appear, sort of 19 , 20 , 21 year olds. And I said, ‘Yes, I know, John.’ And we were aware that we were suddenly beginning to develop lines. We were getting you know, we were now no longer the young, bright new comers. And he said I said, ‘Yes, I have noticed that.’ He said, ‘Do you know what I’d do to them?’ He said, ‘If I meet one, I’d say, ‘You know, you have a wonderful voice. Have you ever listened to it?”And you know from then on they are fucked.” – Jeremy Irons

“We’re still promoting ‘Bridesmaids.’ When the fog clears, we will see if there’s an idea that’s worthy of doing (a sequel). We don’t want to be people who make something just to make it. It would be nice to have an idea. People like to set up projects without thoughts. But usually it’s way better to have a great idea, then have passion not about it. Not just, like, ‘Do you know how much money we could make if we did another one?’ That usually leads to ‘Jaws 3 D.’” – Judd Apatow

“I met Anthony Hopkins many, many years ago, and we were talking about, you know, what do you do when you’re not getting along with the director. And he says, ‘Never raise your voice. Never have a fight. On a sound stage make sure or wherever you’re shooting, make sure you’re shooting on the ground floor. When it gets to that point, you say, ‘Excuse me. I have to go to the bathroom.’ You’ve checked the bathroom out before. It has a window. You go in the bathroom. You lock the door. You climb out the window. You go home. You come back the next day. There’s no argument anymore.’” – Dustin Hoffman

“My father grew up in Salt Lake, Utah with the other 12 black people. And my mother was from a little town in Northern Illinois, and they met in Detroit. That was rough for my dad because it’s just the blackest city in the world, so that’s my background. It’s longer than that. I’m adopted, so it’s different, but it’s the same thing. My mom was white. My dad was black. They gave me up for adoption, and I was adopted by a couple where the man was black and the woman was white. I was a special needs child. It was like, ‘Here’s a kid with no arm. Here’s a blind kid. Here is a biracial kid. Let’s take the blind one.’ So because I’m high yellow, I’m special needs, which means I would dominate at the Special Olympics. I would win every award, lapping. ‘Come on, guys! Come on, Jimmy!’” – Keegan Michael Key

“The beautiful thing about Walter (Flanagan) and Brian (Johnson), they have no interest in this. They’re not here because they didn’t want to do the fucking TV show (‘Comic Book Men’). I called up Walter, and I was like, ‘Dude, you’re never going to believe this, but we might have a reality show on AMC.’ And he goes, ‘I don’t want to do it.’ I said, ‘Why?’ And he goes, ‘Because I don’t want to be fucking Snooki.’ I said, ‘You’re out of your mind. Everyone wants to be Snooki, at least for five minutes.’ He goes, ‘Not me.’ And I said, ‘Well, this could work as a really cool commercial for the store.’ And Walter always likes to see people coming through the door because he knows more people coming through the door, he still has his dream job working at the store. So he’s like, ‘All right. If it works like a commercial for the store, I’m in.’ And Johnson didn’t want to do it, but he needs knee surgery, so I said, ‘Dude, if you do the show, you’ll have enough money for knee surgery.’ He was like, ‘All right. I’ll fucking do it.’ So two dudes who have no interest in being famous will now have people coming in and taking pictures of them. And they’re going to act like the unprotected tribes and shit.” – Kevin Smith

 ”26-27 years I’ve been doing stand-up, and I’ve had two great years, probably five good years. So I had 20 years of just kind of uncertainty and suffering and ego destruction and poverty; all these things. So, that’ll always outweigh. There’s no way I’m ever going to catch up to the misery years with the good ones. It’s impossible, no matter how good it is. And also, of course there’s going to be a decline coming. It’s not like I’m just going to keep doing well. That’s not even — that’s not in the cards. I would guess I’ve got — if I’m not stupid, if I don’t do anything dumb or I don’t get a disease or something, then I’ve got like five to eight years, I think, where it will really be great, and then it’ll start to degenerate, like uranium, you know. So, no matter what, most of my years have been very hard. But I don’t regret any of them. I’m very grateful for all of those years.” – Louis C.K.

“’Pootie Tang,’ yeah, I don’t know. It was a tragedy to me. It was a very huge mistake. Never should have been made. I’m glad people enjoy it. I’m glad for them that they’re enjoying it. But it’s a little — I got a little scar tissue still from that experience.  It was very painful. I got kicked off the movie. I didn’t do a good job to begin with. I would feel really good if I had been making a great movie and then they kicked me off. But I was sucking at making the movie, and they rightfully fired me. And then it came out with my name on it, so. But it was a great learning experience. That was a good example of being in a very bad place and enjoying it. I was sitting in a chair, much like this one, in John Goldwin’s office in Paramount, and he was screaming at me. His face was really red, and I was sitting there going, wow, I’m really a movie guy now. In show business, being yelled at by a studio head. It was a thrill.

“I think that failing at ‘Pootie Tang’ is why this show is good. It’s one of the reasons. It’s that and a huge — just an army of failures that have wrecked my life, made me good at this. Because they didn’t wreck it. Because here’s the thing. You do something, and that was the worst thing that could have happened to me. I got to make a movie finally, which was my dream, and it was terrible, and then it got made even more terrible, and then it came out, and I was just hated. I mean, the first time I was known by a lot of people was because I made a bad movie. And I remember watching Roger Ebert say – I grew up watching Roger Ebert doing movie criticism, and he said, ‘I can’t even say this is a bad movie, because it’s not even complete. It’s incomplete. It’s not even a movie.’ It was the worst.” I think it’s probably the worst review he ever gave to a movie. And I’m sitting there reeling. And the pain you feel from an experience like that is profound. But the great thing is that after maybe a week, it just goes away, and all you’re left with is the forensic evidence of all the mistakes you made and all of the rocks that you’ve kind of crashed into, and you’re left with this beautiful map of where all the dangers are, and you repair all the holes, and then you’re so much better. And so, I’ve had a ton of experiences like that. ‘Lucky Louie.’ That’s a show that came and then fucking died a miserable death. But I produced a series of television that was on TV for a whole season and then was hated and then cancelled. And the information that you gain from a thing like that is unbelievably valuable.” – Louis C.K.

 “I can’t objectively compare myself to another human being. I don’t know. I don’t know what it’s like to be somebody else. All I know is that my standup comedy is what my goal is, is to acknowledge that within each of us is a divine and beautiful light through truth and authenticity. And being funny, we can connect this light and change, I believe, the tenure and frequency of our consciousness. That may seem like a noble objective on FX, but we’ll give it a whirl. Rupert Murdoch is right behind us in this revolution. That man is sick of capitalism…” – Russell Brand

“This is what I know about that Mitt Romney, I know that he is so rich that even the 1 percent to him would seem like peasants. That he’s in the not point not, not, not, 1 percent. Like other billionaires must sicken him with their depravity. But other billionaires to him would seem like Dickensian street urchins eating gruel with fingerless gloves. And he’s a Mormon, isn’t he? I got nothing against religions. I like metaphorical systems for understanding mortality. I think it’s a good idea. Death is confusing. It’s good to have some infrastructure.

“I like that Mitt Romney got told off, like people are angry, Newt Gringrich which is a ludicrously amphibious bizarre name for anyone to have. He attacked Mitt Romney because he talked some French, like that’s really amazing. Like he said that makes him elitist and like a bit of a whoopsie. Like he was sort of speaking French in a boudoir, in a homoerotic fashion. It’s like it’s all right that there are other languages, and people say different stuff. This is so extraordinary to me that someone would be criticized for that. I love it. Just for using a different lexicon. It’s more important what someone says rather than the language they say it in, isn’t it? Like it’s so easy to whoop up hoopla over nothing, over nothing. That’s what I mean. It’s vacuous. It’s nonsense. It’s as sort of a pink gas being fired into our eyes out it’s like I consider contemporary culture to be like a sort of a pink pony trotting through the world shitting glitter into our minds.

Glitter affects the synaptic firing of our brains because there’s glitter shit all in the middle of our neurons. We can’t think. They’re filling our minds with shit glitter. A glitterating thought. So we talk about that nonsense, that rhubarb. And also them say like of course it’s bad for like I’ve spent some time with the marines at Camp Pendleton. I trained with them for a couple of days. They were fucking lovely. And the sense of fraternity among them was beautiful, and I liked it. I didn’t really do very well as a marine. The obstacle course is fucking difficult. You have to climb a rope. It’s really, really, really hard. So I’ve got a lot of respect for the marines.

Like but the end of this, I think where they peed on some dead bodies, huh? That was was that the marines? Because remember I’m a naive person, so I may make mistakes. So please don’t judge me. But you will judge me. That’s just the way that your binary minds function. I’m not criticizing you. I have a binary mind as well. It’s just the way we are. So it’s bad to wee on a dead body, right? But like it’s worse to kill someone. So it’s like why are we more shocked by people pissing on a dead body than killing a live body? Like say me, I’m alive at the moment, right? If someone said, “I’m either going to piss on you or kill you,” like if there’s some people, the pissing on me, I would be sort of into. I’d rather they did that than didn’t do it. But killing, you sort of think, “Well, I don’t know how my narrative will continue after dead.” That’s really troubling. After the termination of your life force, after this biological spaceship has deceased, might as well piss on me, do as you like. Go nuts. Have a ball. It’s the killing that’s the problem. That bit we won’t broadcast in case he goes into trouble. We do that and then Troy will go, ‘Nah, it’s too much. It seems like you’re endorsing it.’ Also very near the top, you implied strongly that you’re into golden showers. That makes you an unsympathetic protagonist for a mainstream show. A lot of people consider the old golden shower elitist. Imagine what Newt Gingrich would make of it. ‘He’s speaking in French. He’s getting pissed on. He shouldn’t be president.’ Or should he?” – Russell Brand

(Photo of the Bunnies courtesy of Marylou Coyle)

As a writer / editor with Bullz-Eye.com, I’ve seen and done some pretty amazing things, from traveling to Ireland solely for the purposes of sipping whiskey to watching Snoop Dogg blow up an armored car in the name of Mafia Wars, but even as jaded as I perhaps ought to be by this point in my career, I immediately turned into a 13-year-old boy again when I got the word that one of the first parties of this summer’s Television Critics Association press tour was going to be taking place at…the Playboy Mansion.

Given all the amount of hype it’s been receiving, it would be reasonable for you to presume that this was an event being thrown in conjunction with NBC’s new drama, “The Playboy Club,” which premieres this fall. In fact, the party came about through Playboy’s own network, Playboy TV, which made their TCA tour debut back in January, courting couples to watch their new programming. But while there’s little question that this evening’s goings-on resulted in plenty of journalists writing about their experiences – I’m living proof! – it must be said that, even though there were several TV screens running trailers for Playboy TV programs on a loop, the function ultimately did more to promote the Playboy brand name as a whole than the actual network. I did walk out of the event with screeners for a couple of Playboy TV's new shows, however, so you can expect a write-up on those at some point in the future.

For now, though, here's the big thing I'm here to write about: I went to the Playboy Mansion.

Was it everything that 13-year-old me had imagined it to be? Read on and find out...

As the shuttle drove through the front gate and up the winding road leading to the Playboy Mansion, I can't pretend that I wasn't giddy with anticipation, and seeing the mansion suddenly appear off to our left only served to intensify my excitement. Basically, if you subtracted me from the above photo, you'd be looking at approximately the same sight that I was. I couldn't actually hear "The Hallelujah Chorus" suddenly begin to play, but that's probably just because I was too busy imagining how many Playmates had rolled down that grassy hill naked. And don't tell me that that's never happened, because I've already convinced myself that it has. And often.

I stepped off the bus to see a pair of Playboy Bunnies taking pictures with the guests. Yes, I had my picture taken, but, no, you can't see it: when I went to retrieve it at the end of the night, they couldn't find it, and if they managed to come up with it after my departure, they've yet to send it to me. Oh, well, at least I have my memories.

I spent the majority of the evening with a couple of the regulars from my past tales from the TCA tour: Bill Harris of the Toronto Sun and Amber Dowling of TV Guide Canada. After Amber and I hit the bar to grab a couple of the strongest bourbon and gingers you've ever had in your life - they were something like 90% bourbon and 10% ginger, leading Amber to observe, "This is why so many people end up having sex at the Playboy Mansion" - the three of us ventured into Hef's infamous grotto, which was as cool as you'd expect it to be. Yes, there were the inevitable jokes about how we were setting ourselves up to contract Legionnaire's Disease, but I'm here to tell you that the smell of chlorine was so strong that it's hard to imagine that any disease could survive in that water.

Upon exiting the grotto, it was time to indulge in some of the fantastic food that had been provided for us. On the appetizer front, I can't help but feel like the corn dogs were offered solely to be phallic (no comment on what the inclusion of crab cakes were to have signified), but they were still quite tasty. For the main courses, there were a wide variety of options, including various meats, cheeses, noodles, salads, and whatnot, but I ultimately decided to go with the sushi, which looked way too delicious to turn down.

From there, we started our stroll around the grounds. I had no idea that Hef had so many animals on the property, but there were parrots, cockatoos, toucans, peacocks, various reptiles, and many, many monkeys. Alas, we were unable to enter the mansion itself, nor were we ever favored with an appearance from Mr. Hefner itself. Rumors abounded as to why he wasn't coming out (supposedly, it wasn't his party, so he didn't feel obliged to appear), and since we never saw him, there's really no definitive proof that he was even inside, although I did hear repeated comments about how he was in the midst of a heated game of Gin Rummy. This may not be true. But if we're pretending it is, then let's also pretend that he was playing with naked Playmates.

Okay, you clearly get the idea that I've got kind of a focus on the Playmates, but I think that's pretty reasonable, given that they're almost as integral to the magazine as its articles...which, as ever, remain the official reason that I read Playboy. If you're wondering, there were indeed some Playmates onsite, giving tours of the grounds. Alas, I didn't end up taking a formal tour, and I really regret it now, as I've heard from others who did take tours that their guides offered no end of stories about various goings-on, including topless shenanigans on the tennis courts and, of course, the occasional orgies. But I still managed to see the Van Room - there's some preposterous story that Hef designed the room to look like the inside of a van because that's where he lost his virginity, but even if it's true, I doubt if that van looked quite as '70s-inspired as this room did - as well as the Red and Blue bedrooms. It was more than a little disconcerting to see stacks of towels beside the beds, but I guess it makes sense that there were copies of Playboy in the drawers of the headboards.

Given that I'm happily married and was therefore in no position to make a fool of myself by hitting on any of the hot women in attendance, the highlight of my visit to the Mansion was, oddly enough, playing "Donkey Kong." If it sounds crazy, you have to remember that I was channeling my inner 13-year-old throughout the evening. As I stood there, surrounded by Playboy memorabilia, sipping bourbon, and helping Mario save the princess, it was one of the strangest, most surreal experiences of my life. And one of the most awesome.

(Photo of the Bunnies courtesy of Marylou Coyle)

As a writer / editor with Bullz-Eye.com, I’ve seen and done some pretty amazing things, from traveling to Ireland solely for the purposes of sipping whiskey to watching Snoop Dogg blow up an armored car in the name of Mafia Wars, but even as jaded as I perhaps ought to be by this point in my career, I immediately turned into a 13-year-old boy again when I got the word that one of the first parties of this summer’s Television Critics Association press tour was going to be taking place at…the Playboy Mansion.

Given all the amount of hype it’s been receiving, it would be reasonable for you to presume that this was an event being thrown in conjunction with NBC’s new drama, “The Playboy Club,” which premieres this fall. In fact, the party came about through Playboy’s own network, Playboy TV, which made their TCA tour debut back in January, courting couples to watch their new programming. But while there’s little question that this evening’s goings-on resulted in plenty of journalists writing about their experiences – I’m living proof! – it must be said that, even though there were several TV screens running trailers for Playboy TV programs on a loop, the function ultimately did more to promote the Playboy brand name as a whole than the actual network. I did walk out of the event with screeners for a couple of Playboy TV’s new shows, however, so you can expect a write-up on those at some point in the future.

For now, though, here’s the big thing I’m here to write about: I went to the Playboy Mansion.

Was it everything that 13-year-old me had imagined it to be? Read on and find out…

As the shuttle drove through the front gate and up the winding road leading to the Playboy Mansion, I can’t pretend that I wasn’t giddy with anticipation, and seeing the mansion suddenly appear off to our left only served to intensify my excitement. Basically, if you subtracted me from the above photo, you’d be looking at approximately the same sight that I was. I couldn’t actually hear “The Hallelujah Chorus” suddenly begin to play, but that’s probably just because I was too busy imagining how many Playmates had rolled down that grassy hill naked. And don’t tell me that that’s never happened, because I’ve already convinced myself that it has. And often.

I stepped off the bus to see a pair of Playboy Bunnies taking pictures with the guests. Yes, I had my picture taken, but, no, you can’t see it: when I went to retrieve it at the end of the night, they couldn’t find it, and if they managed to come up with it after my departure, they’ve yet to send it to me. Oh, well, at least I have my memories.

I spent the majority of the evening with a couple of the regulars from my past tales from the TCA tour: Bill Harris of the Toronto Sun and Amber Dowling of TV Guide Canada. After Amber and I hit the bar to grab a couple of the strongest bourbon and gingers you’ve ever had in your life – they were something like 90% bourbon and 10% ginger, leading Amber to observe, “This is why so many people end up having sex at the Playboy Mansion” – the three of us ventured into Hef’s infamous grotto, which was as cool as you’d expect it to be. Yes, there were the inevitable jokes about how we were setting ourselves up to contract Legionnaire’s Disease, but I’m here to tell you that the smell of chlorine was so strong that it’s hard to imagine that any disease could survive in that water.

Upon exiting the grotto, it was time to indulge in some of the fantastic food that had been provided for us. On the appetizer front, I can’t help but feel like the corn dogs were offered solely to be phallic (no comment on what the inclusion of crab cakes were to have signified), but they were still quite tasty. For the main courses, there were a wide variety of options, including various meats, cheeses, noodles, salads, and whatnot, but I ultimately decided to go with the sushi, which looked way too delicious to turn down.

From there, we started our stroll around the grounds. I had no idea that Hef had so many animals on the property, but there were parrots, cockatoos, toucans, peacocks, various reptiles, and many, many monkeys. Alas, we were unable to enter the mansion itself, nor were we ever favored with an appearance from Mr. Hefner itself. Rumors abounded as to why he wasn’t coming out (supposedly, it wasn’t his party, so he didn’t feel obliged to appear), and since we never saw him, there’s really no definitive proof that he was even inside, although I did hear repeated comments about how he was in the midst of a heated game of Gin Rummy. This may not be true. But if we’re pretending it is, then let’s also pretend that he was playing with naked Playmates.

Okay, you clearly get the idea that I’ve got kind of a focus on the Playmates, but I think that’s pretty reasonable, given that they’re almost as integral to the magazine as its articles…which, as ever, remain the official reason that I read Playboy. If you’re wondering, there were indeed some Playmates onsite, giving tours of the grounds. Alas, I didn’t end up taking a formal tour, and I really regret it now, as I’ve heard from others who did take tours that their guides offered no end of stories about various goings-on, including topless shenanigans on the tennis courts and, of course, the occasional orgies. But I still managed to see the Van Room – there’s some preposterous story that Hef designed the room to look like the inside of a van because that’s where he lost his virginity, but even if it’s true, I doubt if that van looked quite as ’70s-inspired as this room did – as well as the Red and Blue bedrooms. It was more than a little disconcerting to see stacks of towels beside the beds, but I guess it makes sense that there were copies of Playboy in the drawers of the headboards.

Given that I’m happily married and was therefore in no position to make a fool of myself by hitting on any of the hot women in attendance, the highlight of my visit to the Mansion was, oddly enough, playing “Donkey Kong.” If it sounds crazy, you have to remember that I was channeling my inner 13-year-old throughout the evening. As I stood there, surrounded by Playboy memorabilia, sipping bourbon, and helping Mario save the princess, it was one of the strangest, most surreal experiences of my life. And one of the most awesome.

Diedrich Bader and Parvesh Cheena: Hi, Will!

Bullz-Eye: Hey, guys , how’s it going?

DB: (Suspiciously) Say, didn’t I just talk to you the other night?

PC: (Laughs) Good to talk to you again!

BE: Well, you guys are making your 10:30 PM debut with an episode filled with Bollywood dance numbers, singing, guitar playing…the perfect opening salvo for the new timeslot.

DB: Absolutely. We’re entering with a bang. And a sitar.

PC: And a tabla, too!

BE: So, now, was this huge episode by design, or was it already in the works before you got word of the move?

PC: Well, I had a little bit of creative input, and it was very nice, because I said, “Anisha can kind of sing, and her character’s so quiet, anyway, so we might as well give her a little bit of something to do.” But primarily it was more for me to showcase my t-shirt making ability for my fans. The Guptees. Our album will be dropping later this spring, by the way. It’s called Hey, Hey, We’re the Guptees.

DB: By the way, none of this is true. He just made up all of that.

PC: No, no, no.

DB: Uh, yeah. (Laughs) We were going to do a big musical episode, and we kind of wanted to start off the new timeslot with a splash, and…you’ll see what a deep bench we have, talent-wise, because Anisha can really sing, and Parv…does what he does.

PC: He’s just a little sore because I did not use any of his original choreography.

DB: (Growling) Yeah.

PC: I decided to go with Fred Tallaksen, who is a big choreographer here in LA. He choreographed two of Madonna’s tours.

DB: (Sarcastically) Oooooooh, Madonna! Who’s Madonna?

PC: (Dismissively) All right, Diedrich, sorry she’s not Lady Gaga…

BE: So there are worse places to be than following “30 Rock.” Are you guys pleased to be part of NBC’s great 3-hour comedy experiment?

PC: Yeah, it’s going to be awesome: comedy night done right all night.

DB: (In awe) That’s so good!

PC: Thank you. I came up with that, too, so it’s nice to know that I’m gaining a little bit more traction in marketing and branding.

DB: Oh, yeah, he’s very good at that. He’s like Madonna.

PC: Lady Gaga, I thought, was your favorite. You can’t have both.

DB: No, that’s true. But they’re basically the same person.

PC: No, Diedrich. No, they are not.

BE: Diedrich, your fellow cast members seem to have been mildly surprised to discover what a consummate professional you are. Have you always taken your comedy seriously?

DB: No. I don’t take it seriously at all, and I think that’s very helpful. I don’t learn my lines or know any of the cast members’ names. Or anyone, really. I just come in and I do what I do, which is offend everyone as much as I possibly can. And then I leave after I’ve slapped most of the cast.

PC: He’s called me many different names.

DB: Who are you, anyway?

PC: On set, he’s called me Parvaish, Gupta, Bara, Rajel, and a bunch of others.

DB: And sometimes I just say, “Hey, you, get me a cup of coffee.”

PC: And I do.

DB: Yeah. He does.

PC: Because I was taught to respect my elders.

DB: (Bursts out laughing)

BE: Parvesh, Rizwan Manji said that you once took a video of the inside of his nose. Do you have directorial aspirations or just an odd nasal fetish?

PC: No, actually, I do have… (Takes a deep breath) Being a director is one aspect that I’m very good at. I do also do, like, the crevices of the human body. In between the toes is going to be my next visual. For all of those who like feet, I’ll be video-taping Rebecca (Hazlewood’s) and Anisha (Nagarajan’s) toes. So that is a definite niche market.

DB: Oh, yeah. ‘Cause it’s Anisha.

PC: (Bursts out laughing) It’s the niche of Anisha!

BE: Speaking of Anisha, she’s of the belief that Gupta has been slapped by just about every character on the show. What do you think it is about him that brings out physical violence in others?

PC: You know, I like to think of it as a mirror that’s held up to everybody. Gupta really just wants you to be the best, and sometimes people aren’t ready for it.

DB: This is something that the writers took from real life. We like to beat up Parv as much as we possibly can. I was just chasing him around a little earlier, before the interview started. I didn’t catch him, so I’m hoping that when we cut I can catch him and just slap him around. It’s kind of a thing: the writers pay attention to our real lives. That’s what’s exciting about the show.

PC: Apparently, it’s something like, “If you catch him, you get to slap him around a couple of times.”

DB: That’s right. It’s kind of a game. Now, the crew’s taken it on, because, you know, we love our crew, so they’ve started to beat up Parv, too.

PC: But it’s also helping me, because I was 225 pounds before.

DB: He’s lost a lot of weight. A whole other Parv, basically.

PC: It’s true. I’m down to 210. So something’s working.

DB: It’s really exciting. For all of us. Although he is faster now. But, you know, we’ve all lost weight. We’re all coming down together.

PC: I’d like to think that the fat has converted to muscle. It’s all right here in my thighs.

DB: Right. (A beat) You can think that.

BE: Lastly, what can we expect from the rest of the season? Or at least for the next couple of episodes, anyway?

PC: Oh, you have a big episode.

DB: I have a big episode coming up where Charlie finds out that Tanya and Todd are dating, and it breaks his heart. And he kills somebody.

PC: So I’d like to start saying my goodbyes to everyone. It’s been really fun being on national television.

DB: Oh, way to let it out of the bag. I guess you’ve got the scoop, Will: we kill Gupta.

PC: Yes, but since this is India, I am reincarnated the next episode. And, you know, we don’t lose a beat.

DB: He’s like a phoenix. He rises from the ashes again and again and again.

PC: Yes. (A beat) Actually, I like to think of myself as a cat.

DB: Of course you do.