One-man mock draft: “The League”

When FX debuted “The League” in 2009, my first reaction was: What took so long? With how popular fantasy football has become over the last decade, I’d been waiting for someone to do a movie or TV show about a bunch of degenerates in a fantasy league. Granted, “The League” is not without its warts, but it fills a growing and rabid niche while also being careful to not exclude people who aren’t into the game. As it says on the show’s official website, “To be a fan of ‘The League,’ you don’t need to know much about fantasy football, or sports at all. You just need to have friends that you hate.” Well put.

In honor of the show’s third season kicking off this week (Thu 10/6 on FX) and Season 2 now being available on Blu-ray and DVD, I decided to stage a one-man mock draft under the following premise: Something has made it impossible for me to manage my team in a long-running fantasy football league this season, and I need to pick my replacement owner from one of the show’s six main characters. From left to right in the photo above, there’s Pete Eckhart, the league’s most successful owner and a shrewd trader who divorced his wife in season 1; Andre Nowzik, the butt of so many jokes who earned a bit of revenge by winning the league’s Shiva Bowl at the end of the first season; Rodney Ruxin, reigning league champ and owner of the well-deserved nickname “The Herdsman”; Kevin MacArthur, lawyer and league commissioner who is still looking for his first title; Jenny MacArthur, who used to co-manage a team with husband Kevin before taking over her own team last season; and Taco MacArthur, Kevin’s younger brother who knows surprisingly little about fantasy football but a considerable amount about weed, women and hooking up. I didn’t include fan favorite Raffi, a no-brainer choice for the last pick, or Raffi’s buddy Dirty Randy, who will be played by Seth Rogen this season in what promises to be a memorable guest appearance.

The commissioner has stepped to the podium and it’s nearly time to make my picks. Check out the quick trailer for Season 3 below and then follow my draft, from #6 to the top pick at #1.

6. Taco
I’ve got nothing against stoners, but I wouldn’t let Taco anywhere near my fantasy team. He’s an idiot, which is usually great for the show but not so much for sustained fantasy success. I’d definitely, however, hire Taco to record a victory song to post on the league message board after I take home the title.

5. Kevin
The first thing to know about Kevin is that he’s the only owner in the group never to play in the Shiva Bowl. Ouch. Aside from Taco (and Raffi), everyone in the league knows more about the game, and wife Jenny actually dumped him to take control of her own team when Raffi was replaced late last season. Kevin is more trustworthy than the slimier Ruxin (below), but playing it safe rarely results in league championships.

4. Ruxin
To be clear, not much separates Kevin and Ruxin in this draft. Ruxin knows what he’s doing when it comes to fantasy football, and he’s ruthless, which is a great quality for any successful fantasy owner. But I just don’t trust the guy. Case in point, near the end of the first season, he let Jenny blackmail him into trading Peyton Manning to Kevin for pennies on the dollar. Still, Ruxin is coming off a Season 2 league title, whereas Kevin has never even sniffed the championship game. I may not trust Ruxin, but I’d choose the upside knowing my team would be competitive with him at the helm.

3. Andre
This guy gets a bad rap. Well, okay, he deserves most of it, but you’ve got to love an underdog. After being the group’s punching bag for so many years, maybe all Andre needs is for someone to believe in him. A case could be made for Andre to go after Kevin and Ruxin, but keep in mind that Andre not only won the Shiva Bowl in the show’s first season, but he also at the time was sleeping with Shiva, the trophy’s namesake and the hot former valedictorian of the group’s high school class. Sure, he took home the dreaded “SackO” as the league’s worst team last season, but I’m playing a hunch and banking on a rebound at #3.

2. Pete
Winning the league three times really beefs up your résumé, but that’s not all Kevin has going for him in this draft. He’s ruthless but not as slimy as Ruxin, he’s mastered the art of lopsided trading, and he arguably knows more about the game than anyone else in the league. He eats and breathes fantasy football, so I know winning would be priority #1 with Pete. Plus, he’s recently divorced and is a notorious slacker at work, so he’ll be more focused on my team than the other guys. So why isn’t Pete my #1 pick? Because he’s not Jenny.

1. Jenny
Like a career backup running back finally getting a chance to shine, Jenny seems destined for stardom now that she’s out of Kevin’s shadow. For years, Jenny made her husband look good with her behind-the-scenes counsel and maneuvering (like the aforementioned Peyton Manning trade with Ruxin), and now she’ll flash her skills while managing her own team. She’s already proven her ability and willingness to get a sweet deal worked out, and after so many years in a supportive role, she’s hungry and ready to thrive. Pete is probably the safer choice but, in more ways than one, Jenny is the hot up-and-comer.


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