Bullz-Eye: When one of your most famous characters is turned into part of a superhero duo with their own comic book (Bluntman & Chronic), you’ve got pretty good geek credentials, but what is it about you, Jason Mewes, that makes you a geek?

Jason Mewes: Um, I would say…I could be considered a geek in the sense of my love of TV shows, comics, and action figures. I collect action figures, I collect Legos, I have a Batman pillowcase and sheet set, and, y’know, I play video games all day: “Call of Duty,” “Black Ops,” “Lego Batman 2: DC SuperHeroes”… And I guess a love of technology. I mean, I don’t know why I’m obsessed with technology, and some of it I don’t know how to use, but I want it. I have an iMac that I’ve had for a couple of years, but now they’ve got that new iMac and I want to go get it. I haven’t, but I want to, even though mine’s perfectly fine, because the new one’s all sleek and slim and amazing. I have the newest iPad, the oldest iPad, and when the iPad Mini comes out, I want to get that. So I don’t know, I guess I’d just say that my love of technology, games, comics, toys, all that…I don’t know if that makes me a child or a nerd. [Laughs.]

BE: How was the experience of being a judge on “King of the Nerds”?

JM: It was awesome. What they talked about, the content and the debating of each topic, was awesome, not to mention getting to sit there as a judge, but also the hosts (Robert Carradine and Curtis Armstrong)…I mean, “Revenge of the Nerds” was one of my favorite movies growing up. I know the whole song. [Starts singing.] “Clap your hands, everybody / And everybody clap your hands!” That was my favorite. And to be able to meet Lewis and Booger…that was a treat. So combining the stuff that they talked about and that we got to judge them and the hosts, it was amazing.

BE: Not to divulge any spoilers, but were there any contestants who, when you saw them on the show, struck you as being potential Kings?

JM: Um, you know… [Hesitates.] There’s a lot of great people on the show, so…I don’t know which one’ll be the King. And I don’t really want to give anything away, because they get kicked off…well, they don’t get kicked off, but they leave the show. But…I don’t know, there was a young lady there, I’ll say that, who was really passionate and was really on her stuff. She knew what she was talking about. So we’ll see what happens.

BE: Are you a fan of reality-competition shows as a rule?

JM: Yeah, man, I love “Design Star.”

BE: Really?

JM: Yeah! Have you heard of it?

BE: I have.

JM: “Design Star” is one of my favorite shows that my wife and I watch together. I love “Ultimate Fighter.” I’m a huge fan of that. I mean, how awesome is that show? So, yeah, I mean, there’s two right there that I can just name off the top of my head that are just awesome and that I’ve watched all of ‘em and downloaded ‘em from iTunes and have kept up with ‘em.

BE: What are some of your other TV obsessions?

JM: I’m obsessed with “24.” I just watched that through for the fourth or fifth time. I’m a big fan of…well, right now, I really dig “Grimm,” “Once Upon a Time,” and “Arrow.” But, see, then I have my old classics that I can watch anytime and enjoy ‘em, like “Murder, She Wrote,” “Matlock,” and “21 Jump Street.” I watch a lot of television, but I don’t necessarily just sit down in front of the television and watch. Like, even if it’s on my iPad when I’m in line at the Starbucks or when I’m on the toilet or something. [Laughs.] I just love TV, man. Particularly shows with cliffhangers.

BE: If you’re enough of a fan of “Murder, She Wrote” and “Matlock” to call them out as favorites, do you have any particular favorite guest stars on those shows?

JM: No, y’know, I just dig all of ‘em. I wouldn’t say there’s any particularly specific guest stars that stand out.

BE: As far as your other TV work, “Todd and the Book of Pure Evil” has become a cult hit, thanks to being available for online streaming.

JM: Yeah, it’s awesome, and I’m really hoping that… [Sighs.] Y’know, I’m so bummed they didn’t do a Season 3, because I really thought they had a lot more to tell. The guys had written…they’d already written for more stories, and I just feel like the show was definitely good enough to do more. I don’t know what it was exactly, if it was too expensive for the studio to make or what, but hopefully Netflix will make it more popular and give it that boost that it needs to get another season going or at least…if not another season, then to do a movie, maybe, to wrap up everything from the end of the last season.

BE: To wrap up, in regards to your work with Mr. Smith, are you excited about the prospect of returning to the ViewAskewniverse for one more “Clerks” movie?

JM: Yes! That would be awesome. I mean, it’s not set in stone yet, but I really hope it does happen. Any time I get to work with Kevin and all the people who are involved, it’s just fantastic.

BE: Have you got any thoughts on where Jay is nowadays?

JM: I think he’s kicking back and doing his thing, sitting and waiting and…creating and inventing something that will change the world. But we’ll see!

These comments, as you may have guessed, are the way Jordan Hembrough, host and star of the new Travel Channel series “Toy Hunter,” bookended our phone conversation a few days ago. Like myself, he’s both a father and an unabashed sci-fi geek, so it should be no surprise that I enjoyed watching the initial installment of his show, which finds him traveling the country in search of various toys and action figures, including just about everything that was part of my pop culture diet growing up, including “Star Wars,” “Star Trek,” “The Six Million Dollar Man,” and even relative obscurities like “Space 1999” and Disney’s “The Black Hole.”

“Toy Hunter” premieres tonight at 10 PM (9 PM CST) on Travel Channel. If it isn’t already programmed into your TiVo – and if you’ve ever been called a geek or a nerd in your time, it really should be – then perhaps this chat will inspire you to fix that situation post-haste.

Bullz-Eye: First of all, I’ve got to tell you that not only did I enjoy watching the screener, but I’ve got a seven-year-old daughter, and she was digging it right along with me.

Jordan Hembrough: You know, Will, I’ve got to tell you: you just hit something that’s…it’s a real special chord with me. I’m really hoping that families will watch this show together, because when I watched it with my kids, they were enjoying it and asking me about old toys as well.

BE: One of the funniest things – and you may have experienced this, too – was that one of the most frequent comments I heard from my daughter was, “You really played with that?”

JH: [Laughs.] You know, that’s exactly what my son said to me. He goes, “So did you get this with an iPhone application?” “No.” “So does it hook up to a computer?” “No, it doesn’t hook up to a computer!”

BE: In prepping for this conversation, I discovered that you had an affiliation with Starlog when you first got started in the toy business.

JH: Yeah! You know Starlog?

BE: Absolutely. I’m 41, so I used to read it back in the day.

JH: Well, there you go: I’m 42. Yeah, I was the buyer for their chain of retail stores. It was awesome. I had a great time. In fact, that’s how I actually got my start doing what I do. When the company shut down, I bought a lot of the inventory. It was fantastic. I was excited about that.

BE: So what first got you into the geekier pursuits, as it were, of sci-fi and whatnot?

JH: [Laughs.] Well, I’ve got to be honest with you: I’ve always been a diehard collector. It’s something I’ve done all my life. I was a huge “Star Wars” collector when I was a kid. And when I was in college, right before I graduated, I used to shop at Starlog, and they were just starting up the giant franchise corporation and asked me to come on as a merchandise coordinator, which turned into a buyer for the company. So when you talk about sci-fi and geek stuff, it’s because when I was a kid, I was a huge “Star Wars” collector.

BE: So what made you decide to turn it into a career? Certainly, when Starlog closed its doors, you could’ve just as easily said, “Well, that was fun, but I’ve done my time.”

JH: You know, Will, the truth of the matter is that I didn’t know what else to do with my life. [Laughs.] I basically said, “I don’t want to become an accountant. I don’t want to be a lawyer. What can I do?” And I said, “Y’know what? I really love toys. Let’s see if I can really do this. Let’s see if I can make a career out of it.” And I have. And I’m very fortunate to do what I do.

BE: Earlier this year, prior to “Toy Hunter” going to series, you did a one-hour “Toy Hunters” special. How did you cross paths with Travel Channel in the first place?

JH: I was actually contacted by Sharp Entertainment a little over a year, and Sharp Entertainment…they’re very known for “Man vs. Food” and “Adam Richman’s Best Sandwich in America,” and they have a really great working relationship with Travel Channel as well. So Sharp pitched the show to Travel, and Travel picked it up as a one-hour special. And we did exceptionally well in the ratings, but I think what really turned it around was the fan support on social media, because a lot of fans came out on various social media sites and on the website and said how much they loved the show and wanted to see more of it.

BE: A lot of people may think it’s more or less the same as Kevin Smith’s show on AMC (“Comic Book Men”), but it’s actually the flip side, one could argue, because you’re actually going out into the field.

JH: I would agree. We’re out in the field, we’re hunting through basements and attics everywhere in America, and…what I always say, what I tell everyone, is that I’m on the Great American Toy Hunt. America is essentially my co-pilot on this journey with me, and…well, as I said, I’m very, very lucky to do what I do. And it is Travel Channel, so we are out there in the field as often as not.

BE: “Star Wars” is obviously a big deal for you, but is there a specific toy genre that you’d say that you specialize in? I’ve read that you’re pretty deep into “Thundercats.”

JH: Yeah, you could say that. [Laughs.] So are there any fields that I specialize in? Basically all of the ‘80s toys, both boys and girls. They’re my sweet spot that I really truly love. 1970s as well. So of course I’m partial to lines like “Star Wars” and “Battlestar Galactica,” because it’s what I collected as a child, but a lot of the other toy lines are really, really fun, too, like “Thundercats,” like “Masters of the Universe.” Even the girls’ lines like “Strawberry Shortcake” and “Jem,” they’re interesting to me because I’m always surprised at how much money some of them can get.

BE: Say, out of curiosity, how do the “Black Hole” figures hold up in value nowadays?

JH: [Laughs.] Boy, I gotta tell ya, it’s so funny you mention that, because aside from a couple of them, they’re only like $30 or $40. But I just came across a designer who actually worked on the original line and had some of the prototypes and some of the original wax sculpting for Maximilian and Vincent. Those sold for thousands of dollars each. They did very well.

BE: When I grew up, my mother was a teacher and my father worked for the railroad, so, y’know, we were lower/middle class, which meant that our toys tended to not always be “Star Wars” but, rather, “Star Trek” or “Space 1999.”

JH: I love it! That’s great, too. “Star Trek” and “Space 1999” are great toys. In fact, the Eagle One play set from Mattel for “Space 1999” is one of the hardest toys to get on the market complete. And if you have one sealed, it’s probably close to $900.

BE: Well, I didn’t have one sealed for very long, but I did get it for Christmas one year.

JH: Awesome! Well, you opened it up and played with it. That’s the next best thing. [Laughs.]

BE: I know you go to New Jersey and North Carolina in the first “Toy Hunter” installments, but where else does the rest of the first season take you?

JH: Yeah, we went to North Carolina and to Jersey, we went to Los Angeles and to San Francisco. We kicked around parts of Texas for awhile, and now we’re just gearing up to…well, I’m gearing up personally to go to Florida, because I’m doing the “Star Wars” Celebration. I’m on a panel down there, giving a talk on what it’s like to follow me on the road and film toys for TV.

BE: What’s it like being in front of the camera?

JH: You know what? It’s not as hard as you would think for me. I’m talking about what I know, I’m talking about what I love. When I was younger, I was actually an actor and did a bunch of bit parts on TV and a lot of theater, so I’m really marrying two of my loves, and that really means a lot to me. So for me, it’s not that difficult. It’s the things that you don’t think about that become troublesome, like, “Did I pack enough clean underwear for the road?” [Laughs.]

BE: So what’s your favorite purchase that you’ve found thus far that you can talk about without giving too much away?

JH: Well, I can tell you that I was able to find… [Starts to laugh.] I was able to find some “Jurassic Park” toys that were very, very special to me. It was special, basically, because they went for a lot more than I thought they would, and it was a father-and-son collecting team together… I don’t want to give away too much, but I think it’s a great episode, and I think you’ll enjoy watching it along with everyone else.

BE: Do you find it hard to get some of the people you’re dealing with to part with these items?

JH: You know, I do, and I think I kind of shoot myself in the foot sometimes because I get so excited about the stuff. They start going, “Oh, you know what? I think I’m gonna keep this. I don’t know if I want to sell it!” [Laughs.] So every now and then, it does become difficult.

BE: When did you open your store, Hollywood Heroes?

JH: I opened Hollywood Heroes…we were incorporated in 1995.

BE: What was it like to step out on your own like that?

JH: Um…scary. [Laughs.] But it was also exhilarating. I think I feel everything that every other entrepreneur and business owner feels. You know, there’s trepidation when the market is down. I think the really differentiating factor between what I do and what someone else does is that nobody truly needs the toys that I’m selling. I mean, when you have a mortgage or the kids need braces, you don’t need a Batman figure. But on that same note, it always surprises me and amazes me how those people always find the money to get the toys that they love. And that really invigorates me to keep doing what I’m doing. Because to these people, this is very important, and if it’s important to them, it’s important to me.

BE: So how much time are you required to spend traveling for “Toy Hunter”? Does it take you away from the business?

JH: That’s a very good question. It’s taking a lot of time away from my business. Right now we’re in the early stages of trying to figure this out. It’s a juggling act for me. So what I’m doing is, I’m getting help from other people who work at the company with me part-time for shouldering the load, answering emails and shipping toys and picking up shipments and everything like that. So right now it’s a juggling act, but it’s like every other new business model. That’s the way I’m looking at this. I’m filming a show and running a business. It’ll work itself out. I’m happy to be here.

BE: In one interview I read online, you mentioned that you were very proud of a “Lost in Space” toy you’d found. Are there any other classics from your back catalog that you’re still particularly proud of? Not necessarily something you’ve found during the show, so you don’t have to spoil anything.

JH: [Laughs.] You know, awhile ago I did purchase a prototype of Boba Fett from the original “Star Wars” line from Kenner. It was the original wax sculpt, and it truly was one of a kind. I don’t think I’ll see another one like it again. I regret that one leaving my inventory. But I’m happy, because it was known around the world, and I was the one that got it, and I was the one who brought it to market. That sold for $65,000. It’s in a very good home right now. It’s overseas in a private collector’s hands, and I know that it will not go anywhere. And usually when I know the toy will be locked up in a private collection and not for resale, it at least makes the parting less sorrowful. It makes me feel a little better about saying goodbye.

BE: I’d think it’d make you a little antsy when you’re selling to somebody who, in your heart of hearts, you suspect might be a little shifty.

JH: Yeah, you’re right, and that’s why you talk to people a lot about stuff. It’s a double-edged sword. I mean, you can say on one hand, “I got the money I wanted, so I’m good with it.” But on the other hand, it hurts when you see those items come up to market again. Especially if I’m not offered the chance to buy it back. [Laughs.]

The series takes place in Jay and Silent Bob’s Secret Stash, the comic shop Smith owns in Red Bank, NJ, and revolves around the guys who work there – Walt Flanagan, Bryan Johnson, Michael Zapcic, and Ming Chen – as they go through their daily routine, much of which…at least for the purposes of the series, anyway…will involve the people who bring items into the store in hopes of selling them.

Yes, that’s right, go ahead and figure on every review of “Comic Book Men” featuring some reference to the series being like “Pawn Stars,” except geekier. This is in no way an inaccurate comparison. In fact, to hear Smith tell it, his pitch for the series actually involved the words, “Let’s do ‘Pawn Stars’ in a comic book store.” But, look, I’m just gonna tell you outright: that sentence alone would’ve been enough to get me to sign up for a season pass on TiVo, and having now actually watched a rough cut of the first episode, I see no reason to backpedal on that theory. Not only do we see some pretty cool shit coming into the store – like, say, a still-boxed Six Million Dollar Man figure with bionic “scope” eye – but there’s a lot of incredibly geeky conversation, too, like the guys’ deepest superhero crushes. (For the record, mine was always Tigra. Just sayin’.)

By the way, speaking of Smith, you probably noticed that I didn’t mention his name as one of the guys who works at the Secret Stash. This, of course, is because he’s got better things (relatively speaking) to do with his time. Don’t worry, though: he’s still in every episode, since the goings-on in the store end up being discussed on the group’s podcast, of which Smith is a part, and the recording sessions have been filmed and are spliced into the proceedings.

I’d really hoped to be able to sit down with Mr. Smith for a one-on-one interview during the course of the TCA press tour last month, but the man’s schedule was pretty well booked up, so the best I could wrangle was a roundtable. The good news: there were only three of us sharing the table with Kevin. The bad news: we only had 15 minutes with him. Now, please understand that I’m not being Bitchy McMoaney about this, like, “Woe is me, I only got to spend 15 minutes with the man behind ‘Clerks’ and ‘Mallrats,’ life sucks.” My issue about the time frame is…well, look, if you’ve ever seen one of Kevin Smith’s live performances, you know that the dude can talk like nobody’s business. There is video documentation to confirm that he can take a single question and run with it for an hour, sometimes longer. In short, each of us got one question answered – I was third – and after he answered mine, the publicist said, “We’ve got time for just one more.”

So, basically, what I’m saying is that Kevin Smith is not a man whose responses lend themselves to roundtables…but, hey, at least I got one question answered.

Earlier in the discussion, Smith had made a comment about how AMC had been interested in the series because they wanted to try and maintain the “geek” audience that was watching “The Walking Dead.” As a geek myself, I felt obliged to ask: just how geeky is the show allowed to get?

Said Mr. Smith…

We make a G.I. Robot joke. [Laughs.] That’s fucking so obscure, dude, I don’t know who else is gonna get it. Maybe five people on the planet…? But they let it ride. So there’s a lot of stuff like that. I mean, yeah, there’s definitely, like, “Which superhero would you most like to be?” The kind of easy stuff that people do. But then we get into deeper discussions that are more along the lines of “Clerks” or “Mallrats” or something, where we get into it.

Some of the stuff we’ve seen through has been absolutely amazing, you know? That’s been one of the fun things. Since there are transactions in the show, you get to see so much fucking shit come through the doors. So many toys, some things you’ve never seen before, and stuff like that. We had this guy bring in this Superman poster, and I’d never seen it…and I’ve seen a lot of Superman posters, but I’d never seen this particular one. And the back story he gave to it was fucking astounding. He was just, like, “This is Gay Superman.” “Well, what do you mean?” He’s, like, “The guy who painted this Superman, and he wanted this to be the representation of the ideal gay Superman.” I said, “Where did you learn this?” He’s just, like, “Everybody knows this.” [Laughs.] And I’m well studied, and I have never heard of this, never seen this depiction at all. And then Flanagan started buying into it, ‘cause he’s, like, “Look at his foot, he’s curling his toe!” It was ridiculous. But you get to see some stuff… I was, like, “That is a bad-ass poster, man! Where did that come from?”

The weird thing is, everyone that comes in to sell… Our store is not a buying place. Like, Walter believes in, like, “Get a book up on the wall, flip it, and get it off.” He doesn’t leave stuff up there forever. So you have all these people coming in to do transactions, and Walter’s, like, “Nah, it’s too much for us.” [Laughs.] “No, that’s too much. And that’s too much as well.” So there are a lot of people looking deflated. But he didn’t clown it up, he didn’t fake it for TV. He was just, like, “I wouldn’t buy this shit.” Like, at one point, he was just, like, “Am I supposed to buy things that we wouldn’t normally buy?” I was, like, “No, dude. Reality. Do whatever you would do.” He was, like, “Well, I ain’t buying this stuff!” This guy wants a thousand dollars for a Superman poster. I was, like, “Yeah, don’t buy that. Please.”

So you’re probably thinking, “What did the other two journalists ask Kevin?” And that’s a reasonable question, but I’m going to let those guys keep their own questions and answers to themselves in favor of closing with a few highlights from the panel which took place about an hour later, mostly because it produced some of the most entertaining moments of the TCA tour. Part of that comes from the fact that I’m a Kevin Smith fan, obviously, but, frankly, some of these panels can be pretty freaking lifeless. If nothing else, you can’t say that Smith didn’t liven up the afternoon for us…and to prove it, here’s a trio of quotes which sum up the general vibe of Smith’s performance:

“The experience (of working) with AMC has been religious. Now I’m going to do a bit of AMC cock suckery here, so if you have no stomach for that, just put on your iPod or something like that. I don’t watch the shit that’s on TV. I watch two channels: AMC, because I fucking love ‘Mad Men.’ I love ‘Walking Dead,’ ‘Breaking Bad.’ My wife loved ‘Rubicon.’ I couldn’t understand it, felt like a dumbass, but she liked it a lot. And I watch Oxygen because I love ‘Snapped.’ I love to see women who kill their husbands. Anyway, so AMC, the channel I watch, like I don’t really TiVo anything else. It’s just pretty much AMC now that ‘Battlestar Galactica’ is off the air, it’s pretty much all AMC shows.”

“All I ever hear single women talk about is not being able to find a good man. You will never find a better man than in a comic book store because if you throw a comic book guy just a little bit of attention and/or pussy, you got him for life. Life, the most loyal husband you’ll have. My wife, she gave me she dropped her standards this much, and she got me for life, man, much because she gave me a shot. Comic book guys are reliable dudes. So I don’t have to sell it beyond that. Ladies, if you’re looking for a man who will take care of your needs first, comic book dudes are all oral. This is where you want to be. That’s what will bring women into a comic book store.”

“AMC came down and met the boys (at Jay and Silent Bob’s Secret Stash). They liked the boys, and Elyse (Seiden, one of the producers of ‘Comic Book Men’), calls me and she goes, ‘We got a show on AMC.’ And I was like…my fucking dick and head exploded because if I had tried to get on AMC, if that was my plan, if I had, like, fucking orchestrated it, it never would have happened. But the fact that it was just luck and happenstance that all of a sudden the network that I love, the one that I fucking watch, now I got not only do I have a show on TV where I can watch my friends for six weeks in a row, it’s on the fucking network that I love. And I’m just like I must have sold my soul to the devil or sucked a dick that I forgot about because this is great fortune that I’m experiencing. And I didn’t really earn it. So I’m just very happy to be here. Thank you.”

“Comic Book Men” premieres at 10 PM on Feb. 12, right after “The Walking Dead.”

So sayeth the network: Based on the best-selling novel by world-renowned author John Grisham, “The Firm” is a new drama series that continues the story of attorney Mitchell McDeere (Josh Lucas), who, as a young associate 10 years earlier, had brought down the prestigious Memphis law firm of Bendini, Lambert & Locke, which had been operating as a front for the Chicago mob. After a difficult decade, which included a stay in the Federal Witness Protection Program, McDeere and his family now emerge from isolation to reclaim their lives and their future — only to find that past dangers are still lurking and new threats are everywhere. Abby McDeere (Molly Parker), Mitch’s supportive, smart and resourceful wife, who had helped her husband expose Bendini, Lambert & Locke, is excited to start a new life in Washington, D.C., as a school teacher and mom to their daughter, Claire (Natasha Calis). Ray McDeere (Callum Keith Rennie) is Mitch’s charming, yet volatile, older brother whose work as an investigator in Mitch’s office is uniquely informed by his past stretch in prison for manslaughter. Despite a gritty past that stands in stark contrast to that of his Harvard-grad brother, Ray shares one key quality with Mitch – a loyalty that is unbreakable. Tammy Hemphill (Juliette Lewis) is Mitch’s feisty, sexy receptionist whose work life is made all the more tumultuous by her on-again, off-again relationship with Ray. With a personality as arresting as her ever-changing hair color, Tammy is leery when Mitch accepts a deal to partner with a top law practice, as she’s not cut out for the conservative culture of a white-shoe firm.

My take: I literally only just got the pilot episode this morning, so I haven’t had a chance to check it out yet, but the combination of Lucas, Parker, and Lewis has me very intrigued, and the fact that Grisham himself is part of the mix makes me hopeful about the possibilities of where this series could go if it’s given the chance. That’s a big “if,” though, because this isn’t the first time a Grisham novel has made the jump to the small screen. Anyone remember “The Client,” with JoBeth Williams and John Heard? It’s become so obscure that there’s neither a Wikipedia page for it nor even a clip from it on YouTube. Let’s hope “The Firm” gets a better go of it than that.

(Premiere date: January 8, 9 PM; regular 10 PM timeslot begins January 12)

So sayeth the network: Meet Marty Kaan (Don Cheadle), the big-money earner at Galweather & Stearn, one of the nation’s largest management consulting firms. Marty is, well, the sh*t and, by default, so is his hot, young team – The Pod – of big-balling power players – Jeannie (Kristen Bell), Clyde (Ben Schwartz) and Doug (Josh Lawson). These white-collar, Ivy League sharks will use anything (or anyone) to get their gullible corporate clients to sign their souls to Galweather and bank millions in oh-so-delicious billable hours. Cha-frickin’-ching, bitches. Their motto? Screw or be screwed. Just that simple. Marty and The Pod’s work life is all first-class, top-shelf, black Am Ex, the best suites at the nicest hotels. Wild nights on the town servicing the clients are all in a day’s work. Caviar, white truffles, Grey Goose and Dom, and the special attention of some sexy…local tour guides (well, really off-duty strippers Lexxie, Destiny and Nikki) – all billed to the bloated corporate client’s bankroll as “entertainment expenses.” Yes, these are the perks. It’s all a win-win…for Marty and his team: they get the account; the client gets a week of reckless debauchery in exchange for useless, indecipherable management directives, all for the low, low price of…millions.

My take: Damn, it’s good to see Don Cheadle back in full-on comedy mode again…almost as good as it is to get to look at Kristen Bell on a weekly basis once more. Showtime’s comedies are notoriously raucous, and this one looks to be no exception.

(Premiere date: January 8, 10 PM)

So sayeth the network: A comedy starring Rob Schneider as a lifelong bachelor who just married into a tight-knit Mexican-American family. Rob is a successful landscape architect who, after a whirlwind romance, marries Maggie (Claudia Bassols), a beautiful, smart book translator, who is way out of his league. After eloping in Las Vegas, Maggie and Rob must break the news to her overprotective, judgmental parents, Rosa (Diana Maria Riva) and Fernando (Cheech Marin), that they are married. Shocked by news that they’ve eloped, the family remains skeptical of Maggie’s choice for a husband, with the exception of her uncle Hector (Eugenio Derbez), the black sheep of the family, who immediately declares himself Rob’s best friend. Rob hopes he will one day win over his new in-laws, aunts, uncles and Maggie’s Abuelita (Lupe Ontiveros), and live happily ever after with his one true love, Maggie.

My take: I wouldn’t go so far as to say that I’m thrilled at the prospect of a Rob Schneider sitcom, but I do think that Schneider can be funny, and if he’s reigned in somewhat by the constraints of being on a broadcast network, i.e. the humor doesn’t descend into low-brow in a big way, then it might actually give us a chance to remember how funny the guy could be on “Saturday Night Live” when given the right material. Plus, Bassols is muy caliente, and who doesn’t like Cheech?

(Premiere date: January 12, 8:30 PM)

So sayeth the network: Napoleon Dynamite (Jon Heder) is a 16-year-old boy convinced – for no apparent reason – that he is destined for greatness and blessed with unlimited “sweet abilities.” He spends his days practicing ninja moves, drawing ligers, soul dancing and bragging about his “girlfriend in Oklahoma” whom nobody has ever seen. Napoleon’s brother, Kip (Aaron Ruell), is an unemployed 32-year-old who lives at home and believes he would be an amazing catch for any girl who would respond to his online come-ons. The Dynamite brothers live with Grandma (Sandy Martin), a crusty woman who can often be found four-wheeling with her lady friends at the local sand dunes. Napoleon’s allies include Pedro (Efren Ramirez), his unflappable best friend who has recently been elected class president; and Deb (Tina Majorino), an incredibly sweet girl who sees the good in Napoleon and dreams of someday being his wife. Napoleon’s Uncle Rico (Jon Gries) lives out of an orange custom van, where he obsesses over his botched high school football career and dreams up ways to become rich and famous. Then there’s Rex Kwon Do (Diedrich Bader), a self-proclaimed martial-arts master who runs the local dojo.

My take: I’m not necessarily the target audience for this series – I’ve seen the movie once, and I didn’t love it enough to see it a second time, let alone join the cult that’s built up around it – but I admit that I’m intrigued by the fact that every single member of the cast has returned to reprise their roles. Oh, sure, a cynic would point out that it’s not like they’ve got a whole heck of a lot else going on…kind of like I just did. But let’s hope that at least part of the reason they came back was because the writing was strong.

(Premiere date: January 15, 8:30 PM)

So sayeth the network: When San Francisco Police Department Det. Rebecca Madsen (Sarah Jones) is assigned to a grisly homicide case, a fingerprint leads her to a shocking suspect: Jack Sylvane (Jeffrey Pierce), an Alcatraz inmate who died over 30 years ago. Given her family history – both her grandfather and surrogate uncle, Ray Archer (Robert Forster), were guards at the prison – Madsen’s interest is immediately piqued, and once the enigmatic, knows-everything-but-tells-nothing government agent Emerson Hauser (Sam Neill) tries to impede her investigation, she’s doggedly committed. Madsen turns to Alcatraz expert and comic book enthusiast, Dr. Diego “Doc” Soto (Jorge Garcia), to help her piece together the inexplicable sequence of events. The twosome discovers that Sylvane is not only alive, but he’s loose on the streets of San Francisco, exacting decades-old revenge and leaving bodies in his wake. And strangely, he hasn’t aged a day since 1963 when Alcatraz was ruled by the iron-fisted Warden Edwin James (Jonny Coyne) and the sadistic Associate Warden E.B. Tiller (Jason Butler Harner). Detective Madsen and Soto must team with Hauser and his technician, Lucy Banerjee (Parminder Nagra), to stop Sylvane’s vengeful killing spree. By delving into Alcatraz history, government cover-ups and Rebecca’s own heritage, the team will ultimately discover that Sylvane is only a small part of a much larger, more sinister present-day threat. For while he may be the first, it quickly becomes clear that Sylvane won’t be the last to reappear from Alcatraz. Through the course of the investigation, Madsen and Soto will learn that Hauser has been awaiting the prisoners’ return for nearly 50 years. Soto will witness his life’s work – the history of Alcatraz – come alive. Madsen will be forced to keep her supportive San Francisco cop fiancé, Jimmy Dickens (Santiago Cabrera), at arm’s length from the highly classified assignment as she sees everything she thought she knew about her family’s past shattered, all while fighting to keep the country safe from history’s most dangerous criminals.

My take: Don’t tell me I’m the only guy who’s spent his life intrigued by Alcatraz. Take the built-in mystique surrounding the prison, throw in the sci-fi / supernatural premise, J.J. Abrams as executive-producer, and a cast filled with familiar faces who know their way around this genre, and you’ve got me hooked. It’s my second favorite hour-long of the midseason.

(Premiere date: January 16, 8 PM; regular 9 PM timeslot begins January 23)

So sayeth the network: Martin Bohm (Kiefer Sutherland) is a widower and single father haunted by an inability to connect to his mute 11-year-old son, Jake (David Mazouz). Caring, intelligent and thoughtful, Martin has tried everything to reach his son who shows little emotion and never allows himself to be touched by anyone, including Martin. Jake busies himself with cast-off cell phones, disassembling them and manipulating the parts, allowing him to see the world in his own special way. After multiple failed attempts at keeping Jake in school, Martin is visited by social worker Clea Hopkins (Gugu Mbatha-Raw), who insists on doing an evaluation of the Bohms’ living situation. Although new at her job, Clea sees a man whose life has become dominated by a child he can no longer control. She believes his attempts to communicate with Jake are just wish fulfillment, and determines that it’s time for the state to intervene. But everything changes when Martin discovers that Jake possesses a gift of staggering genius – the ability to see things that no one else can, and the patterns that connect seemingly unrelated events. Jake is indeed communicating after all. But it’s not with words, it’s with numbers. Martin meets Arthur Teller (Danny Glover), a professor and an expert on children who possess special gifts when it comes to numbers. Now it’s up to Martin to decipher the meaning and connect the numbers to the cast of characters whose lives they affect.

My take: I still haven’t seen the pilot episode for the show, but the trailer really captured my imagination. Sutherland surely had his pick of projects in the wake of “24,” so I have to believe there’s something about “Touch” that really tickled his fancy. The fact that it’s created by Tim Kring, who ultimately disappointed with “Heroes,” makes me mildly concerned, but, hey, Season 1 of “Heroes” was pretty damned good. If Kring learned some valuable lessons from what went wrong with that series, here’s hoping he won’t make similar mistakes on “Touch.” (Please don’t let him make similar mistakes on “Touch.”)

(Premiere date: January 25, 9 PM; premiere March 19, 9 PM)

So sayeth the network: A behind-the-track look at the world of horse racing and gamblingʼs denizens – owners, trainers, jockeys and gamblers. Chester “Ace” Bernstein (Dustin Hoffman) is released from three years in federal prison. Heʼs met by his driver and bodyguard, Gus Demitriou
(Dennis Farina), who fronts as the owner of the $2 million Irish Horse that Ace just bought. A brilliant but disreputable trainer, the Peruvian Turo Escalante (John Ortiz), introduces us to their prized Irish thoroughbred, who is being examined by his girlfriend, track veterinarian Jo (Jill Hennessy). Meanwhile, veteran trainer-turned-owner Walter Smith (Nick Nolte) contains his optimism pinned on his promising “Big Horse” because heʼs wary. Of what, weʼre unsure, but we learn thereʼs a dark history and a shadow of scandal behind the horse. Four degenerate gamblers, Marcus (Kevin Dunn), Renzo (Ritchie Coster), Jerry (Jason Gedrick), and Lonnie (Ian Hart), meanwhile, are pooling their meager resources to bet Jerryʼs hunch on the dayʼs long shot, a high-stakes Pick Six winners contest.

My take: I admit it. I’m the dumbass who forgot that HBO was sneak-previewing “Luck” after the season finale of “Boardwalk Empire,” so I didn’t see it. And HBO has yet to send over the screener, so I’m kind of freaking out here, because everyone I know who has seen it has loved it. But, really, it’s David Milch material acted by Hoffman and Nolte, directed by Michael Mann. What’s not to freaking love?

(Premiere date: January 29, 19 PM)

So sayeth the network: “Smash” is a musical drama that celebrates the beauty and heartbreak of the Broadway theater as it follows a cross-section of dreamers and schemers who all have one common desire – to be a “smash.” The series centers on the process of creating a Broadway musical based on the life of Marilyn Monroe – written by the successful songwriting duo of Tom (Christian Borle) and Julia (Debra Messing). Julia recently began the process of adopting a child with her husband Frank (Brian d’Arcy James) of many years, but her focus is torn when she has the opportunity to write another Broadway hit. A rivalry soon forms for the lead role between a youthful, inexperienced Midwestern beauty Karen (Katharine McPhee) – who is trying to find fame in the big city against all odds – and stage veteran Ivy Bell (Megan Hilty), who’s determined to leave the chorus line and finally get her big break. A tenacious producer Eileen (Anjelica Huston) discovers the “Marilyn” project and jumps on board with a brilliant director, Derek (Jack Davenport) – whose talent is matched by his cunning and egocentric amorality. The series stemmed from an idea of executive producer Steven Spielberg. The pilot was written by Theresa Rebeck. David Marshall Grant, Craig Zadan and Neil Meron and Darryl Frank and Justin Falvey also serve as executive producers. Original songs are written by Marc Shaiman and Scott Wittman, who serve as executive producers as well.

My take: If you were wondering, this is my favorite hour-long of the midseason. It may seem like a glorified “Glee” when you watch the trailer, but I promise you that it was amazingly captivating from start to finish. I don’t know if they’re going to be able to maintain that level of awesomeness throughout the season, but for my money, this was a better pilot than anything I saw that premiered in the fall…which was particularly painful, since we’ve had the pilot since then. Thank God the time has finally come for the show to hit the air. I can’t wait.

(Premiere date: February 6, 10 PM)

So sayeth the network: Famed explorer Dr. Emmet Cole (Bruce Greenwood) went looking for magic deep in the uncharted Amazon and never returned. The shocking truth about his disappearance is out there, waiting to be discovered. To the millions of kids who grew up watching his show, Dr. Cole was a hero. To his own son, Lincoln (Joe Anderson), he was more of an enigma. Now, six months after he vanished, Lincoln is finally ready to bury the past when Dr. Cole’s emergency beacon suddenly goes off. At the urging of his mother, Tess (Leslie Hope), Lincoln reluctantly joins her on a search for his father. To fund the rescue, they agree to let Dr. Cole’s cagey ex-producer, Clark (Paul Blackthorne), film the mission documentary-style. The mixed crew of old friends and new acquaintances includes the alluring and resourceful Lena (Eloise Mumford), loyal mechanic Emilio (Daniel Zacapa) and lethal bodyguard Captain Kurt Brynildson (Thomas Kretschmann).

My take: It’s never easy to do horror on broadcast television, but, seriously, this pilot creeped me the hell out. Again, it’s another case where you really have no clue if and/or how they’re going to be able to maintain this level of quality as the season progresses, but the fact that it’s the work of the “Paranormal Event” people has me very curious to see if they can pull it off.

(Premiere date: February 7, 9 PM)

So sayeth the network: An unscripted series set in Smith’s iconic comic shop Jay and Silent Bob’s Secret Stash that captures the world of the neighborhood comic book store and fanboy culture.

My take: Your guess is about as good as mine when it comes to this show, which used to be called “Secret Stash” until just a few weeks ago. There’s no mention of the series on AMC’s website – the above text comes from the schedule for the TCA tour – and there’s certainly no trailer or clips to be had. As someone who spent much of his youth…okay, fine, and into my twenties…frequenting comic book stores, I know the inherent humor to be had in those places, so I’m extremely hopeful that Smith is the man who can make that translate into a funny-ass reality show. But we shall see.

(Premiere date: February 12, 10 PM)

So sayeth the network: Amanda Vaughn (Leslie Bibb), once the ultimate high school “mean girl,” is forced to return home in disgrace after her marriage ends in scandal. Reluctant but desperate, Amanda has no choice but to turn to her mother, Gigi (Annie Potts), for help. Gigi, the quintessential proper Dallas socialite, wants nothing more than to have Amanda back and to give Amanda’s two teenage kids a good southern upbringing. The problem is that Amanda is nothing like the girl she was 20 years ago and is hesitant about re-entering this world of opulence, status and salacious rumor mills. She is hopeful for a new start, but soon finds it’s not that easy to escape your past in this tightknit community. The women of Dallas are none too happy to see Amanda back in town. Carlene Cockburn (Kristin Chenoweth), once the ugly duckling, was tortured by Amanda in high school but has made quite the “assisted” transformation since. Now she has a picture-perfect, lavish life with a gorgeous husband, yet she still can’t seem to let go of old grudges. Then there’s Cricket Caruth-Reilly (Miriam Shor) whose boyfriend Amanda stole and later married. Cricket is now a tough-as-nails, successful businesswoman with a perfect marriage – at least so it appears from the outside. Sharon Peacham (Jennifer Aspen), the fallen beauty queen whose chance at the Miss Teen Dallas crown was snatched away by a malicious rumor Amanda started, hasn’t really been the same since. Finally, there’s Heather Cruz (Marisol Nichols), a bit of an outsider back in high school who has now become fully inducted into this twisted little social clique of affluent, sugary, God-fearing, steely women whose bark is as bad as their bite.

My take: I’m not really a soap-opera guy, but when someone can take soapy elements and find the funny in them, I’m willing to give it a chance, and the pilot for this series made me laugh on several occasions. Chenoweth is always a lot of fun, and although you may not recognize the names of the other cast members, there are plenty of familiar faces in the bunch. It’s clear that ABC is hoping to sell this to audiences as the heir apparent to “Desperate Housewives.” Based on what I’ve seen, it’s got my vote.

(Premiere date: March 4, 10 PM)

So sayeth the network: The struggle goes on in 21st century London as the updated team of Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson battle the worst that modern criminality has to offer, including a computer-savvy arch-villain who wants to rule the world.

My take: I really, really, really loved the first one. I cannot wait to see the second one. If I end up getting an advance screener of the three-part miniseries when I get to the TCA tour, I’m going to be the happiest camper this side of Scotland Yard. As it stands right now, however, I’ve seen no more than the brief clips that are on YouTube. Still, they’re enough to show that Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman have had no trouble stepping back into the roles of Holmes and Watson. Do you get the impression that I’m excited? May seems a lifetime away…

(Premiere date: May 6)