Image Credit: Rob Dolecki/DigBMX.com

When Mountain Dew gave me the opportunity to head down to Orlando, Florida for two days to learn how to ride bikes with professional BMX riders Chad DeGroot and Mark Mulville, I couldn’t shirk off the responsibilities of fatherhood, home ownership and general employment fast enough.

Kickstart by Mountain Dew is a sparkling juice beverage made to kick-start your day and get your rear into gear. With just 80 calories per 16 oz serving and 92 milligrams of caffeine (roughly as much as one cup of coffee), Kickstart gets you moving without the bloated, heavy feeling supplied by most “energy drinks” on the market. Don’t think of this as an energy drink — think of it as Mountain Dew for breakfast! Didn’t we all go to school with someone who drank Mountain Dew for breakfast, anyway? My buddy Eric Hoffman drank so much in the ’90s he pisses Yellow #5 to this day, exclusively.

Loaded with Vitamins B and C, plus 5% fruit juice, it’s a morning drink (not an energy drink) that gets your body and your mind higher than BMX pro/stunt cock Mark Mulville off a 10-foot wall at Orlando Skate Park!

Speaking of OSP, (which is what you call it, Brojam), getting there at roughly 7 AM was a serious thing of beauty. The sun had just began to rise, which gave everything a cherubic, surreal glow, and was accompanied by an endless chorus of early morning bird chirping action. It was like a bird mixtape that you made to impress a chick (when you used to do shit like that), except this was played against the backdrop of crisp morning air and the excitement of doing something you had never done before: riding a BMX bike.

When I first attempted to straddle the BMX, my first concern was for my nutsac. I’m all vasectomied up, so I wasn’t worried about reproductive function being compromised (spray and pray, baby); I was literally worried about crushing my nutsac on the pointy plastic seat. When I asked pro rider Chad DeGroot about the protruding seat, which could tear anal membrane or ball sac-age with equal ease, he said, “Well, you really don’t have to worry because you’re usually standing when you’re on the bike, anyway.”

And with that, I mounted the bike from behind, and rode it, in a rather wobbly way for about 10-15 feet. The bike was really small, my legs felt super long, and the safety of my ballsac was still floating through my mind. Maybe it’s because when I was 13 and playing little league I watched a kid in the on-deck circle take a well hit, yet foul, line drive directly to the nuts which resulted in one of his balls deflating, right there on the field. What a sound!

Bullz-Eye: So the second season of “Boss” is coming to a close…

Kathleen Robertson: Yep!

BE: Your character, Kitty O’Neill, had a decidedly different dynamic in Season 2 than she did in Season 1. How much forewarning did you have about how Kitty’s storyline was going to play out during this season? Did you know from the get-go, or was it only doled out to you on an episode-by-episode basis?

KR: I knew from the get-go. I sat down with the writers at the very beginning of the season, and they sort of explained to me what the storyline was for her. With the exception of the finale. They were very secretive about the finale, and I didn’t know what was going to happen until the week before we shot it and I read the script. Have you seen the finale?

BE: I have not yet.

KR: [Tries and fails to disguise her giddiness.] It’s so good. It’s so good. They kept saying to me all through the year, “Just be patient. Just be patient and wait for (episode)10.” I said, “What does that mean, though? Like, am I gonna get killed? What are you…what happens in 10?” “Just be patient.” And then they’d say, “10 is your episode, and you’re gonna be really happy with it.” So I was. And I am really happy with 10. It’s amazing.

BE: 10 may be “your episode,” but it’s arguable that you’ve had a lot of episodes. Kitty’s evolved throughout the season, at least in a certain sense. At the same time, though, she also ends up making it pretty clear that she doesn’t really know who she is unless she has someone to serve.

KR: Yeah, that’s true.

BE: Did you see that as being a part of her character from the very beginning, or was that something you discovered as time went on?

KR: Well, with Season 1… [Hesitates.] Farhad (Safinia) said to me at the beginning of the series, “For Season 1, Kitty almost has a reverse arc.” She kind of starts here… [Holds hand up and then begins lowering it.] …and ends here. And it’s kind of like that in Season 2 as well, because from the moment we meet her in this season, she’s pregnant, she’s sort of deciding if she even wants to be in politics anymore…she’s deciding who she is. So the journey for her over Season 2 was a much more internal one, and it was much more a case of asking, “Who am I without my identity?” And for her, the identity isn’t just working for Kane. It’s being in this whole world that she’s sacrificed everything for. So she sort of flirts with the idea of trying to be an alternate Kitty throughout the season, and by the end… [Smiles knowingly.] When you see the finale, I think she ends up where she belongs.

BE: In regards to the “alternate Kitty,” for instance, we see her trying to make something out of her relationship with Sam, but from what we know of her, we don’t even really know for sure that she can have a proper romantic relationship.

KR: Absolutely. Like, the abortion in Episode 3, that was an interesting moment for her, because…well, to me, it seemed to represent a lot more than just what it was on the surface. There was the idea of what that life would be like, the choice of a woman considering trying to be something that she’s not. But Kitty…she’ll never be that. She’s a political animal, and that’s the only way she feels alive. I think that we all sort of have those components and parts of personality, the parts of us that are damaged and the parts of us that don’t work right, and we try to fix them, but sometimes those things are just who we are. And I think that, for her, by the end of the season, she kind of comes around to the realization of, like, “I’m probably not going to change. And that’s okay.” And…I kind of love that about her. [Laughs.]

For me, it’s much more interesting to get into the intricacies of who she is and why she is the way she is than to sort of…like, the midsection of Season 2 was definitely challenging, because it was that thing of, “Would she really ever fall for this guy?” Absolutely not. But she’s going to try, just because he seems like…he sort of represented truth. It’s, like, “This guy’s pursuing the truth, this guy’s the real deal, what you see is what you get.” And then she slowly realizes that that actually wasn’t even the case with him. Yeah, there were definitely moments during this season where I was thinking, “She would never do this, this is absolutely not her.” And they would say, “Well, yeah, exactly! That’s the point!”

BE: Kitty would also seem to be a challenging character to play, given that a great deal of her reactions tend to involve looks rather than lines.

KR: Absolutely. And I love that. I’m always the actor that loves to cut lines. I would much rather try to convey what I’m thinking and feeling without any dialogue. That’s, for me, the most fun. Yeah, I get to do that a lot, and it’s really nice. And our show affords that. A lot of television…I mean, I watch a lot of television, and I think that you can do that as an actor, but if the show doesn’t sort of unfold in a way that lets you do that, it’s missed. Do you know what I mean? Like, if the camera’s always moving and never letting you have your moment, then the audience won’t be able to pick up on those nuances. And I like that about our show: you can really have that. A lot of times, the camera just stays on the person that has no dialogue. I mean, if you remember, in Season 1, even with Kelsey (Grammer’s) very first scene in the whole series, when he was finding out his diagnosis, the camera never went off of his face, and he didn’t have a single line. So the show does that a lot, and I love that. Like, I’m talking to you and blabbing away, but what you’re registering is kind of more interesting than me just blabbing away. So I love that, and…I’m rambling. [Laughs.] But you know what I mean.

BE: Some critics have accused the series of offering gratuitous nudity. Not that I have a problem with that, per se, but do you view it as being only what’s necessary to achieve the dramatic effect, or do you sometimes go, “Wow, really”?

KR: I…I don’t know. [Hesitates.] Do you feel like they accuse a lot of cable shows of having too much nudity, or is it specific to this show? Because to me…and maybe I’m wrong…I don’t think that there’s more nudity or sex on this show than there would be on another show on HBO or Showtime.

BE: Well, I think at least part of it may come from the fact that the show is ostensibly a political drama first and foremost, so it’s, like, “Is it really furthering the storyline that much more to have all of this in here?”

KR: I think that the component of sex in “Boss” comes from the fact that I know the writers have always felt, and Farhad said from the very beginning, that you can’t truthfully make a show about politics and not have sex be a very big part of it.

BE: Well, I understand the sex/power aspect, of course.

KR: And look at some of the stuff that went on sexually in politics – in reality, I mean – during our first season. It was kind of insane. So…this isn’t the NBC version of what this world would be like. It’s the cable version of what this world would be like and who these people really would be. You know, people have asked me, “Do you feel comfortable playing a character that really goes there and really has so many extreme scenes?” And for me, it’s, like, if that’s all it was, then that would not be interesting to me and not something that I would be interested in being a part of. But all you need to do is watch an episode of our show to realize that it’s…it’s a really fucking good show. [Laughs.]

It’s really amazing writing, and these characters are really fascinating, every single one of them. So I just don’t really think about that component of it, because it’s part of who she is. It’s a huge part of her identity, and I think that to not be willing to go there would be doing the character a disservice and doing the material a disservice. I knew going into this show, when I read the first episode and I knew Gus Van Sant was producing it and I knew it was part of the character, so it was a decision: “Either I’m gonna go for this and really play this role or I’m not going to do it. But I’m not going to do it half-assed. Either I’m gonna do it or I’m not gonna do it.” So I made that choice to do it, and…I’ve done it. [Laughs.]

BE: Before I ask you about a few other things you’ve done over the years, I believe I’m supposed to casually bring up the new Starz Play application for Cox subscribers.

KR: [Laughs.] Yes! Let’s talk Starz Play!

BE: Have you yourself had a chance to play around with the app?

KR: Yeah! It’s amazing. You can do it on your iPad or your iPhone, and it’s, um, I guess it’s similar to… [Lowers voice.] I’m probably not supposed to say this, but it’s kind of like HBO Go, right?

BE: I don’t think that would be inappropriate to say. I mean, it is the Starz equivalent to HBO Go, so I think that’s a fair point of comparison.

KR: Well, it’s great, I know that. And this show…I mean, don’t you feel that, like all great cable shows, if you haven’t seen them, it’s fun to be able to go all the way back and start from the very beginning? We’ve done 18 shows so far, and you really have to go back and start from the beginning to fully understand and appreciate it and get the most out of it. That’s always the challenge with cable shows, especially with Starz, which is a network that not everyone gets. It’s the challenge of getting the shows out there and getting people to see them. We’ve had some endorsements recently which have helped us, like Oprah. Did you hear that?

BE: I didn’t.

KR: Oh, yeah, Oprah’s been Tweeting about it and saying that “Boss” is one of her favorite shows. And Anderson Cooper did a big thing about how he was missing “Breaking Bad,” but that “Boss” has replaced “Breaking Bad” for him. So things like that really help a show like this. We need to raise awareness and get the eyeballs on us, and I think the Starz Play app will really help with that.

BE: Hopefully it’ll do the same for “Magic City” as well.

KR: Yeah! Absolutely.

BE: Okay, time to hit on a few other things you’ve done in your career, and I’ll start by saying that I would’ve absolutely been fine if we’d bypassed “Boss” altogether and you’d just told me 30 minutes worth of anecdotes about working with Joe Flaherty on “Maniac Mansion.”

KR: [Gasps excitedly.] Oh, my gosh! I love Joe. He’s such a good friend of mine. He’s amazing.

BE: So when you started working with him, were you aware that he was Joe Flaherty?

KR: Oh, yes. Oh, yes, I knew. I knew all of the “SCTV” people. I grew up in northern Ontario, and so growing up in Canada, comedy is a big deal, and “SCTV” is an even bigger deal. I mean, you grow up watching reruns of it. It was reruns of “SCTV” on all the time. [Laughs.] And “Kids in the Hall” and all that great comedic stuff. So, yeah, when I got “Maniac Mansion,” it was all the “SCTV” people. It was Joe, but it was also Eugene Levy, who was the producer of that show, and we had all the writers and all the people from “SCTV,” the hair and makeup people and everything. So it was a huge deal. And my dad was so excited, because, y’know, “SCTV” is God there. And Joe was amazing. And it was a such a cool first job for me, because we did 66 episodes, and it was very similar to “SCTV,” in that every week we would do a show, but then we would do parodies. So they would come to me and be, like, “Okay, this week you’re going to play Juliette Lewis from ‘Cape Fear,’ and we’re gonna build your ears out a little bit and we’re going to get you a retainer and the wig.” And they would teach me how to do those. Like, “This is what you need to watch for. Watch the way they hold their body and the way they say things.” And it was just the most amazing training for me as a young actor to have those comic geniuses around me, saying, “Do this and do that and…just watch the way she sits. Pick up one little trait and just keep hitting that trait.” So it was amazing. A great, great experience. And George Lucas produced it, which was bizarre, too. It was a bizarre experience. But it was great. And so fun.

BE: Do you have a preference between comedy and drama? You’ve certainly shown aptitude for both.

KR: It’s funny. I did a series a few years ago that I produced called “The Business,” which aired on IFC.

BE: I have Season 1 on DVD. And wish they’d release Season 2.

KR: I know. So do I! I loved doing that. The guy who created that always says to me, “It’s so weird to me that you do all this drama. You’re a comedian! What’s with all this dramatic shit?” [Laughs.] So, yeah, I’ve definitely done both comedy and drama, but I tend to get more dramatic offers. That tends to be what people send me. But I love doing comedy. I’m actually going to do a movie in a couple of weeks that’s a comedy, which’ll be kind of fun to do, to mix it up a bit. After playing Kitty, I need a few laughs!

BE: What’s it like being on the other side of the camera? As you say, you produced “The Business,” and you’ve written a script or two here and there.

KR: It’s great.

BE: What made you decide to go that route? Was it just to try and spice things up?

KR: I think it’s just a natural progression. I’ve been doing this for so long, and…I really love to write. And I really love just the ability to be creative without having to sort of wait for someone to give me permission to be creative. Being an actor is all about waiting for that phone call, for someone to say, “Do you want to come and do this?” Writing, for me, is the most creatively fulfilling thing that I do, just because it’s mine. And I don’t have to listen to anyone else. I love that. And I’m hoping that’s something that I can continue to do. I really, really love it. I’ve written a couple of pilot scripts. I sold the first pilot script, and the second one that I wrote, I’m out with it right now, trying to sell that. So we’ll see!

BE: Similar to the comedy-versus-drama question, do you have a preference between working in film and on television? Although the dividing line is getting smaller all the time, I suppose.

KR: I definitely have a preference as far as what kind of television. Cable television? Absolutely. Network television? Not so much. I mean, there isn’t a single show that I personally watch on network right now. Do you? What do you watch on network?

BE: Honestly, I tend to watch mostly sitcoms, and when I watch hour-longs, they tend to be sci-fi. I’m really enjoying “Revolution” at the moment.

KR: Okay, I haven’t seen that yet. I’ll have to catch up on that.

BE: C’mon. You even starred on (“Girls Club”) with Giancarlo Esposito, too. You’re slacking off.

KR: [Laughs.] I love him. I just saw him during the Emmy weekend, and he’s just the sweetest guy. Have you ever interviewed him?

BE: I have. He’s great.

KR: He’s so sweet! I just love him. He’s such a great guy. He was so happy for me and “Boss,” and I was so happy for him and everything he’s doing. God, he’s so good on “Breaking Bad”! He’s amazing. I think as an actor, if you get the opportunity to be on a great cable show and to pursue that character over the course of 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60 hours…there’s nothing that touches that. Doing a movie is great, but you only have two hours to sort of figure out and explore who that character is. With a great role on television, it’s just so fun to see all those little details and all those little colors of who that person is. You don’t get that in film. So I love doing “Boss.” Doing a role like this on a show like this…it’s amazing.

BE: The writers obviously have the final say, but how much input have you had on “Boss” as far as developing your character? In other words, what have you brought to Kitty that wasn’t there before you arrived?

KR: Well, in Season 1, no, not at all. Because Season 1 was basically…you know, when we started Season 1, they already had the entire season mapped out, so there wasn’t really any room for anything to change. Season 2 was a little different, just in that we had a little bit more input and there was a little bit more discussion upfront about, “Would this happen? Would that happen? Does this feel false to you?” Because at a certain point with television, it does very much become a case where these characters are ours, and it’s our interpretation of who that person is. So the directors come in and out, and…television is very interesting that way. It’s very different from film, because with film it’s all very much about the director, and the director will give you notes and focus. But in television, sometimes the directors will say, “Well, you tell me: would she do this? Would she sit there?” And you’re, like, “Well, no, she wouldn’t sit there, because she knows the door’s there and they’d see her, so she’d never do that.” “Oh, okay, let’s move it, then. Let’s have it here instead.” So it does become much more…you’re navigating that character through the world.

BE: Time to ask the obligatory Clare-on-“90210” question, and it’s a two-parter: do you have a favorite Clare storyline, and do you have a most-ludicrous storyline that still stands out?

KR: [Laughs.] Oh, Clare. It’s so funny, but, honestly, I don’t know if I have a bad memory or if I’ve just kind of blocked it out, but people ask me questions about “90210,” and I genuinely can’t…I mean, it’s just so long ago! I think I had…didn’t I have a ridiculous “I Dream of Jeannie” Halloween costume once? That’s probably the most ludicrous moment I can think of. That was weird, because that was my first American job, and it was the first thing I did when I moved here. It was right after “Maniac Mansion.” And when I auditioned for the show, I had never seen the show. That’s the truth. I called my sisters, and I called my best friend back in Hamilton, and I said, “I’m auditioning for ‘90210.’” And I knew of it, of course, because it was a huge, massive phenomenon. So I said, “I’m going to go audition, so can you tell me…I have the sides here, and I need to know who these characters are. Like, who’s Brandon? Who’s he played by?” “Oh, that’s Jason Priestley.” “Okay, so this scene is with Jason Priestley. I know who that is. What about this Donna? Who’s that?” I mean, genuinely, I had no idea. And my sisters, of course, and my best friend were freaking out. And then when I got the job, it was originally just for five episodes. So it wasn’t even really much of an audition. It was just kind of…I went in, read, and it was, like, the next day, “Oh, you got the part, it’s five episodes.” And then it turned into 99. [Laughs.] Which I love. I love that it’s one short of a hundred. I got out just in time!

BE: How did you enjoy getting to play the villainess in “Tin Man”?

KR: Oh, I loved that show! That was great. So much fun. Zooey (Deschanel) was a blast to work with, and it was a great role. Again, it was a really challenging, strong, complicated, fucked-up woman. [Laughs.] It was great, though. Those costumes were something else. My body was trashed every day. I mean, the bruises and the cuts from the armor and the weight of it… The guy who won the Academy Award for “Moulin Rouge,” he did all the costumes, so he was, uh, intense. So you wore those costumes! So, yeah, it was great. A great role and a lot of fun.

BE: Do you have any Robert Halmi stories? Or possibly an impression? It seems like everyone’s got one of those, too.

KR: He was just really, really sweet. Do you mean bad stories?

BE: No, quite the opposite. Everyone seems to love the guy.

KR: Yeah, he’s just a teddy bear. So sweet. And that movie…it’s so weird, because that’s the only science-fiction show I’ve ever done. I mean, I guess it’s technically considered sci-fi. But it’s the only one I’ve ever done, and it is just a whole other world! [Laughs.] The fans from the sci-fi world? They are loyal. I joined Twitter fairly recently – I’m trying to get better at it – but someone Tweeted me a photo of this event they were at, and there were all these girls dressed up as Azkadellia from “Tin Man.” Just really amazing costumes, with the wig and…just amazing. I was just blown away. I mean, that was a few years ago, but here are these girls dressed up like Azkadellia. I’m telling you, it’s pretty intense. I can’t imagine if you were on…like, I just did a movie with Michael Shanks, who was on “Stargate,” and the stories he told me about the fans and how intense they are…it’s amazing. [Pounds fist on table.] We need those fans on “Boss”! Where’s our crazy people dressing up like Mayor Kane and Kitty? [Laughs.] We need those Halloween costumes!

BE: Excluding “Boss” for the moment, since it’s current, do you have a favorite project you’ve worked on over the years that didn’t get the love you thought it deserved?

KR: Hmmm. [Long pause.] I’ve done a lot of indie movies that I felt…like, I did a movie I was very proud of with Mark Ruffalo called “XX/XY” which I thought was…it was work I was really proud of, and 50 people saw it, I think. So a lot of little movies like that. A lot of Sundance movies. I’m trying to think of others. But independent movies in general…I think that’s why everyone’s doing television now. The independent film world has changed so much since its heyday in the ‘90s. That’s all I did after I left “90210.” That’s all I wanted to do when I was able to do it. Nowadays…I don’t know if it’s possible to just have a career and make a living doing indie films. It’s just changed so much. I mean, a million-dollar movie back then happened all the time. Now, it’s, like, a million-dollar movie would be made for $200 thousand, and the actors would be making a hundred dollars a day, and it would maybe get into a couple of festivals. It’s changed a lot. Now you’ve got independent movies starring Jennifer Aniston, with people like that showing up at Sundance promoting these two million dollar movies. It’s just…I mean, everybody says this now, but that’s why Gus Van Sant is one of the producers of our show, that’s why Todd Haynes is doing television: because it’s really the way to continue that spirit of what independent film is without having to compromise creatively.

BE: To bring it full circle and close on “Boss,” can you tease anything at all about what happens with Kitty and her storyline in the season finale? Or is it giving too much away to say anything at all?

KR: I can just reiterate that they spent all year telling me, “Wait for 10.” And when they sent me 10 and I read it and came to the set, our show runner looked at me and was, like, “Yeah…?” And I gave her the thumbs-up and said, “Yeah.”

BE: Worth the wait?

KR: Totally worth the wait. Getting that script and reading it, I was, like, “This is one of the best pieces of material I’ve ever been handed to do.” So I was thrilled with where Kitty ended up in Episode 10. I was very happy…in a sick, twisted way. [Laughs.] And then Francis Guinan, who plays Gov. Cullen, he came into the trailer and looked at me and was basically, like, “Oh, you poor thing. You and Kane are just a match made in heaven, aren’t you?” Which made me happy…and shows exactly how warped I am. But that’s what I love about her!

So sayeth the network: Based on the best-selling novel by world-renowned author John Grisham, “The Firm” is a new drama series that continues the story of attorney Mitchell McDeere (Josh Lucas), who, as a young associate 10 years earlier, had brought down the prestigious Memphis law firm of Bendini, Lambert & Locke, which had been operating as a front for the Chicago mob. After a difficult decade, which included a stay in the Federal Witness Protection Program, McDeere and his family now emerge from isolation to reclaim their lives and their future — only to find that past dangers are still lurking and new threats are everywhere. Abby McDeere (Molly Parker), Mitch’s supportive, smart and resourceful wife, who had helped her husband expose Bendini, Lambert & Locke, is excited to start a new life in Washington, D.C., as a school teacher and mom to their daughter, Claire (Natasha Calis). Ray McDeere (Callum Keith Rennie) is Mitch’s charming, yet volatile, older brother whose work as an investigator in Mitch’s office is uniquely informed by his past stretch in prison for manslaughter. Despite a gritty past that stands in stark contrast to that of his Harvard-grad brother, Ray shares one key quality with Mitch – a loyalty that is unbreakable. Tammy Hemphill (Juliette Lewis) is Mitch’s feisty, sexy receptionist whose work life is made all the more tumultuous by her on-again, off-again relationship with Ray. With a personality as arresting as her ever-changing hair color, Tammy is leery when Mitch accepts a deal to partner with a top law practice, as she’s not cut out for the conservative culture of a white-shoe firm.

My take: I literally only just got the pilot episode this morning, so I haven’t had a chance to check it out yet, but the combination of Lucas, Parker, and Lewis has me very intrigued, and the fact that Grisham himself is part of the mix makes me hopeful about the possibilities of where this series could go if it’s given the chance. That’s a big “if,” though, because this isn’t the first time a Grisham novel has made the jump to the small screen. Anyone remember “The Client,” with JoBeth Williams and John Heard? It’s become so obscure that there’s neither a Wikipedia page for it nor even a clip from it on YouTube. Let’s hope “The Firm” gets a better go of it than that.

(Premiere date: January 8, 9 PM; regular 10 PM timeslot begins January 12)

So sayeth the network: Meet Marty Kaan (Don Cheadle), the big-money earner at Galweather & Stearn, one of the nation’s largest management consulting firms. Marty is, well, the sh*t and, by default, so is his hot, young team – The Pod – of big-balling power players – Jeannie (Kristen Bell), Clyde (Ben Schwartz) and Doug (Josh Lawson). These white-collar, Ivy League sharks will use anything (or anyone) to get their gullible corporate clients to sign their souls to Galweather and bank millions in oh-so-delicious billable hours. Cha-frickin’-ching, bitches. Their motto? Screw or be screwed. Just that simple. Marty and The Pod’s work life is all first-class, top-shelf, black Am Ex, the best suites at the nicest hotels. Wild nights on the town servicing the clients are all in a day’s work. Caviar, white truffles, Grey Goose and Dom, and the special attention of some sexy…local tour guides (well, really off-duty strippers Lexxie, Destiny and Nikki) – all billed to the bloated corporate client’s bankroll as “entertainment expenses.” Yes, these are the perks. It’s all a win-win…for Marty and his team: they get the account; the client gets a week of reckless debauchery in exchange for useless, indecipherable management directives, all for the low, low price of…millions.

My take: Damn, it’s good to see Don Cheadle back in full-on comedy mode again…almost as good as it is to get to look at Kristen Bell on a weekly basis once more. Showtime’s comedies are notoriously raucous, and this one looks to be no exception.

(Premiere date: January 8, 10 PM)

So sayeth the network: A comedy starring Rob Schneider as a lifelong bachelor who just married into a tight-knit Mexican-American family. Rob is a successful landscape architect who, after a whirlwind romance, marries Maggie (Claudia Bassols), a beautiful, smart book translator, who is way out of his league. After eloping in Las Vegas, Maggie and Rob must break the news to her overprotective, judgmental parents, Rosa (Diana Maria Riva) and Fernando (Cheech Marin), that they are married. Shocked by news that they’ve eloped, the family remains skeptical of Maggie’s choice for a husband, with the exception of her uncle Hector (Eugenio Derbez), the black sheep of the family, who immediately declares himself Rob’s best friend. Rob hopes he will one day win over his new in-laws, aunts, uncles and Maggie’s Abuelita (Lupe Ontiveros), and live happily ever after with his one true love, Maggie.

My take: I wouldn’t go so far as to say that I’m thrilled at the prospect of a Rob Schneider sitcom, but I do think that Schneider can be funny, and if he’s reigned in somewhat by the constraints of being on a broadcast network, i.e. the humor doesn’t descend into low-brow in a big way, then it might actually give us a chance to remember how funny the guy could be on “Saturday Night Live” when given the right material. Plus, Bassols is muy caliente, and who doesn’t like Cheech?

(Premiere date: January 12, 8:30 PM)

So sayeth the network: Napoleon Dynamite (Jon Heder) is a 16-year-old boy convinced – for no apparent reason – that he is destined for greatness and blessed with unlimited “sweet abilities.” He spends his days practicing ninja moves, drawing ligers, soul dancing and bragging about his “girlfriend in Oklahoma” whom nobody has ever seen. Napoleon’s brother, Kip (Aaron Ruell), is an unemployed 32-year-old who lives at home and believes he would be an amazing catch for any girl who would respond to his online come-ons. The Dynamite brothers live with Grandma (Sandy Martin), a crusty woman who can often be found four-wheeling with her lady friends at the local sand dunes. Napoleon’s allies include Pedro (Efren Ramirez), his unflappable best friend who has recently been elected class president; and Deb (Tina Majorino), an incredibly sweet girl who sees the good in Napoleon and dreams of someday being his wife. Napoleon’s Uncle Rico (Jon Gries) lives out of an orange custom van, where he obsesses over his botched high school football career and dreams up ways to become rich and famous. Then there’s Rex Kwon Do (Diedrich Bader), a self-proclaimed martial-arts master who runs the local dojo.

My take: I’m not necessarily the target audience for this series – I’ve seen the movie once, and I didn’t love it enough to see it a second time, let alone join the cult that’s built up around it – but I admit that I’m intrigued by the fact that every single member of the cast has returned to reprise their roles. Oh, sure, a cynic would point out that it’s not like they’ve got a whole heck of a lot else going on…kind of like I just did. But let’s hope that at least part of the reason they came back was because the writing was strong.

(Premiere date: January 15, 8:30 PM)

So sayeth the network: When San Francisco Police Department Det. Rebecca Madsen (Sarah Jones) is assigned to a grisly homicide case, a fingerprint leads her to a shocking suspect: Jack Sylvane (Jeffrey Pierce), an Alcatraz inmate who died over 30 years ago. Given her family history – both her grandfather and surrogate uncle, Ray Archer (Robert Forster), were guards at the prison – Madsen’s interest is immediately piqued, and once the enigmatic, knows-everything-but-tells-nothing government agent Emerson Hauser (Sam Neill) tries to impede her investigation, she’s doggedly committed. Madsen turns to Alcatraz expert and comic book enthusiast, Dr. Diego “Doc” Soto (Jorge Garcia), to help her piece together the inexplicable sequence of events. The twosome discovers that Sylvane is not only alive, but he’s loose on the streets of San Francisco, exacting decades-old revenge and leaving bodies in his wake. And strangely, he hasn’t aged a day since 1963 when Alcatraz was ruled by the iron-fisted Warden Edwin James (Jonny Coyne) and the sadistic Associate Warden E.B. Tiller (Jason Butler Harner). Detective Madsen and Soto must team with Hauser and his technician, Lucy Banerjee (Parminder Nagra), to stop Sylvane’s vengeful killing spree. By delving into Alcatraz history, government cover-ups and Rebecca’s own heritage, the team will ultimately discover that Sylvane is only a small part of a much larger, more sinister present-day threat. For while he may be the first, it quickly becomes clear that Sylvane won’t be the last to reappear from Alcatraz. Through the course of the investigation, Madsen and Soto will learn that Hauser has been awaiting the prisoners’ return for nearly 50 years. Soto will witness his life’s work – the history of Alcatraz – come alive. Madsen will be forced to keep her supportive San Francisco cop fiancé, Jimmy Dickens (Santiago Cabrera), at arm’s length from the highly classified assignment as she sees everything she thought she knew about her family’s past shattered, all while fighting to keep the country safe from history’s most dangerous criminals.

My take: Don’t tell me I’m the only guy who’s spent his life intrigued by Alcatraz. Take the built-in mystique surrounding the prison, throw in the sci-fi / supernatural premise, J.J. Abrams as executive-producer, and a cast filled with familiar faces who know their way around this genre, and you’ve got me hooked. It’s my second favorite hour-long of the midseason.

(Premiere date: January 16, 8 PM; regular 9 PM timeslot begins January 23)

So sayeth the network: Martin Bohm (Kiefer Sutherland) is a widower and single father haunted by an inability to connect to his mute 11-year-old son, Jake (David Mazouz). Caring, intelligent and thoughtful, Martin has tried everything to reach his son who shows little emotion and never allows himself to be touched by anyone, including Martin. Jake busies himself with cast-off cell phones, disassembling them and manipulating the parts, allowing him to see the world in his own special way. After multiple failed attempts at keeping Jake in school, Martin is visited by social worker Clea Hopkins (Gugu Mbatha-Raw), who insists on doing an evaluation of the Bohms’ living situation. Although new at her job, Clea sees a man whose life has become dominated by a child he can no longer control. She believes his attempts to communicate with Jake are just wish fulfillment, and determines that it’s time for the state to intervene. But everything changes when Martin discovers that Jake possesses a gift of staggering genius – the ability to see things that no one else can, and the patterns that connect seemingly unrelated events. Jake is indeed communicating after all. But it’s not with words, it’s with numbers. Martin meets Arthur Teller (Danny Glover), a professor and an expert on children who possess special gifts when it comes to numbers. Now it’s up to Martin to decipher the meaning and connect the numbers to the cast of characters whose lives they affect.

My take: I still haven’t seen the pilot episode for the show, but the trailer really captured my imagination. Sutherland surely had his pick of projects in the wake of “24,” so I have to believe there’s something about “Touch” that really tickled his fancy. The fact that it’s created by Tim Kring, who ultimately disappointed with “Heroes,” makes me mildly concerned, but, hey, Season 1 of “Heroes” was pretty damned good. If Kring learned some valuable lessons from what went wrong with that series, here’s hoping he won’t make similar mistakes on “Touch.” (Please don’t let him make similar mistakes on “Touch.”)

(Premiere date: January 25, 9 PM; premiere March 19, 9 PM)

So sayeth the network: A behind-the-track look at the world of horse racing and gamblingʼs denizens – owners, trainers, jockeys and gamblers. Chester “Ace” Bernstein (Dustin Hoffman) is released from three years in federal prison. Heʼs met by his driver and bodyguard, Gus Demitriou
(Dennis Farina), who fronts as the owner of the $2 million Irish Horse that Ace just bought. A brilliant but disreputable trainer, the Peruvian Turo Escalante (John Ortiz), introduces us to their prized Irish thoroughbred, who is being examined by his girlfriend, track veterinarian Jo (Jill Hennessy). Meanwhile, veteran trainer-turned-owner Walter Smith (Nick Nolte) contains his optimism pinned on his promising “Big Horse” because heʼs wary. Of what, weʼre unsure, but we learn thereʼs a dark history and a shadow of scandal behind the horse. Four degenerate gamblers, Marcus (Kevin Dunn), Renzo (Ritchie Coster), Jerry (Jason Gedrick), and Lonnie (Ian Hart), meanwhile, are pooling their meager resources to bet Jerryʼs hunch on the dayʼs long shot, a high-stakes Pick Six winners contest.

My take: I admit it. I’m the dumbass who forgot that HBO was sneak-previewing “Luck” after the season finale of “Boardwalk Empire,” so I didn’t see it. And HBO has yet to send over the screener, so I’m kind of freaking out here, because everyone I know who has seen it has loved it. But, really, it’s David Milch material acted by Hoffman and Nolte, directed by Michael Mann. What’s not to freaking love?

(Premiere date: January 29, 19 PM)

So sayeth the network: “Smash” is a musical drama that celebrates the beauty and heartbreak of the Broadway theater as it follows a cross-section of dreamers and schemers who all have one common desire – to be a “smash.” The series centers on the process of creating a Broadway musical based on the life of Marilyn Monroe – written by the successful songwriting duo of Tom (Christian Borle) and Julia (Debra Messing). Julia recently began the process of adopting a child with her husband Frank (Brian d’Arcy James) of many years, but her focus is torn when she has the opportunity to write another Broadway hit. A rivalry soon forms for the lead role between a youthful, inexperienced Midwestern beauty Karen (Katharine McPhee) – who is trying to find fame in the big city against all odds – and stage veteran Ivy Bell (Megan Hilty), who’s determined to leave the chorus line and finally get her big break. A tenacious producer Eileen (Anjelica Huston) discovers the “Marilyn” project and jumps on board with a brilliant director, Derek (Jack Davenport) – whose talent is matched by his cunning and egocentric amorality. The series stemmed from an idea of executive producer Steven Spielberg. The pilot was written by Theresa Rebeck. David Marshall Grant, Craig Zadan and Neil Meron and Darryl Frank and Justin Falvey also serve as executive producers. Original songs are written by Marc Shaiman and Scott Wittman, who serve as executive producers as well.

My take: If you were wondering, this is my favorite hour-long of the midseason. It may seem like a glorified “Glee” when you watch the trailer, but I promise you that it was amazingly captivating from start to finish. I don’t know if they’re going to be able to maintain that level of awesomeness throughout the season, but for my money, this was a better pilot than anything I saw that premiered in the fall…which was particularly painful, since we’ve had the pilot since then. Thank God the time has finally come for the show to hit the air. I can’t wait.

(Premiere date: February 6, 10 PM)

So sayeth the network: Famed explorer Dr. Emmet Cole (Bruce Greenwood) went looking for magic deep in the uncharted Amazon and never returned. The shocking truth about his disappearance is out there, waiting to be discovered. To the millions of kids who grew up watching his show, Dr. Cole was a hero. To his own son, Lincoln (Joe Anderson), he was more of an enigma. Now, six months after he vanished, Lincoln is finally ready to bury the past when Dr. Cole’s emergency beacon suddenly goes off. At the urging of his mother, Tess (Leslie Hope), Lincoln reluctantly joins her on a search for his father. To fund the rescue, they agree to let Dr. Cole’s cagey ex-producer, Clark (Paul Blackthorne), film the mission documentary-style. The mixed crew of old friends and new acquaintances includes the alluring and resourceful Lena (Eloise Mumford), loyal mechanic Emilio (Daniel Zacapa) and lethal bodyguard Captain Kurt Brynildson (Thomas Kretschmann).

My take: It’s never easy to do horror on broadcast television, but, seriously, this pilot creeped me the hell out. Again, it’s another case where you really have no clue if and/or how they’re going to be able to maintain this level of quality as the season progresses, but the fact that it’s the work of the “Paranormal Event” people has me very curious to see if they can pull it off.

(Premiere date: February 7, 9 PM)

So sayeth the network: An unscripted series set in Smith’s iconic comic shop Jay and Silent Bob’s Secret Stash that captures the world of the neighborhood comic book store and fanboy culture.

My take: Your guess is about as good as mine when it comes to this show, which used to be called “Secret Stash” until just a few weeks ago. There’s no mention of the series on AMC’s website – the above text comes from the schedule for the TCA tour – and there’s certainly no trailer or clips to be had. As someone who spent much of his youth…okay, fine, and into my twenties…frequenting comic book stores, I know the inherent humor to be had in those places, so I’m extremely hopeful that Smith is the man who can make that translate into a funny-ass reality show. But we shall see.

(Premiere date: February 12, 10 PM)

So sayeth the network: Amanda Vaughn (Leslie Bibb), once the ultimate high school “mean girl,” is forced to return home in disgrace after her marriage ends in scandal. Reluctant but desperate, Amanda has no choice but to turn to her mother, Gigi (Annie Potts), for help. Gigi, the quintessential proper Dallas socialite, wants nothing more than to have Amanda back and to give Amanda’s two teenage kids a good southern upbringing. The problem is that Amanda is nothing like the girl she was 20 years ago and is hesitant about re-entering this world of opulence, status and salacious rumor mills. She is hopeful for a new start, but soon finds it’s not that easy to escape your past in this tightknit community. The women of Dallas are none too happy to see Amanda back in town. Carlene Cockburn (Kristin Chenoweth), once the ugly duckling, was tortured by Amanda in high school but has made quite the “assisted” transformation since. Now she has a picture-perfect, lavish life with a gorgeous husband, yet she still can’t seem to let go of old grudges. Then there’s Cricket Caruth-Reilly (Miriam Shor) whose boyfriend Amanda stole and later married. Cricket is now a tough-as-nails, successful businesswoman with a perfect marriage – at least so it appears from the outside. Sharon Peacham (Jennifer Aspen), the fallen beauty queen whose chance at the Miss Teen Dallas crown was snatched away by a malicious rumor Amanda started, hasn’t really been the same since. Finally, there’s Heather Cruz (Marisol Nichols), a bit of an outsider back in high school who has now become fully inducted into this twisted little social clique of affluent, sugary, God-fearing, steely women whose bark is as bad as their bite.

My take: I’m not really a soap-opera guy, but when someone can take soapy elements and find the funny in them, I’m willing to give it a chance, and the pilot for this series made me laugh on several occasions. Chenoweth is always a lot of fun, and although you may not recognize the names of the other cast members, there are plenty of familiar faces in the bunch. It’s clear that ABC is hoping to sell this to audiences as the heir apparent to “Desperate Housewives.” Based on what I’ve seen, it’s got my vote.

(Premiere date: March 4, 10 PM)

So sayeth the network: The struggle goes on in 21st century London as the updated team of Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson battle the worst that modern criminality has to offer, including a computer-savvy arch-villain who wants to rule the world.

My take: I really, really, really loved the first one. I cannot wait to see the second one. If I end up getting an advance screener of the three-part miniseries when I get to the TCA tour, I’m going to be the happiest camper this side of Scotland Yard. As it stands right now, however, I’ve seen no more than the brief clips that are on YouTube. Still, they’re enough to show that Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman have had no trouble stepping back into the roles of Holmes and Watson. Do you get the impression that I’m excited? May seems a lifetime away…

(Premiere date: May 6)