Music alone couldn’t keep the coffers filled, alas, which forced the Aquabats into second position in favor of a gig that actually paid the bills with more regularity, so Jacobs returned to TV, this time working behind the scenes. In doing so, he was responsible for co-creating one of the most successful kids shows in recent years: “Yo Gabba Gabba!” Flush with the excitement that success brings, Jacobs and company have used a combination of creativity and show-biz connections to simultaneously kick-start a new series for the youth of today and fulfill a dream.

Ladies and gentlemen: The Aquabats! Super Show!

Bullz-Eye: Having seen the first two episodes of “The Aquabats! Super Show!,” it seems safe to suggest that Sid and Marty Krofft have been a major influence on you guys.

Christian Jacobs: [Laughs.] Definitely! I’m glad you caught that point of reference, for sure.

BE: So what are the origins of this “Super Show”? Was the idea of doing an Aquabats TV series always in the back of your mind, or was this a recent development?

CJ: No, it’s always been there, really. I mean, you know, it’s one of those things where…we started the band in ’94, and at the same time, I was doing video production, making music videos and skateboard videos, so I was in production already. And I grew up working in television as well, so we started the band, just for goofing around, but pretty much within a year I was, like, “This could be an amazing kids show! We could incorporate all those fun things we used to watch that were weird and trippy and action-packed…” We were influenced by shows from Japan, too. Those were there right away. So we started to incorporate them into the band, and from there we immediately set out to try and start a TV show…and this was, like, ’95 or ’96. [Laughs.] So it’s taken some time to finally happen, but it was one of those things where, right away, we were telling people, “We’re gonna make a TV show!” And it started to feel a little bit like that book The Carrot Seed, where there’s the little kid and no one believes the carrot’s gonna grow, but the kid does, and he knows the carrot’s gonna come up at some point. I feel like that was us a little bit. It was just up to us to stick it out and keep trying and keep trying and keep trying. But, yeah, it was definitely something that we always wanted to do.

BE: When did it first look like it was going to become a reality? Certainly the success of “Yo Gabba Gabba!” couldn’t have hurt.

CJ: Well, I think that’s what finally took us over the hill. But back in ’98, you know, we did a pilot for this studio, and then in ’99 or 2000, we did another development deal with a different studio, and…it was one setback and weird thing after another. And then we had pitched it to all of the networks by 2002 or 2003 – we pretty much ran the table, so to speak – and no one was biting, so it just seemed like a dead project. But in the back of our minds, we were, like, “I know this can still be a great kids show, but let’s focus on something else.” And that’s when we came up with a bunch of ideas, and one of those ideas was “Yo Gabba Gabba!” And just from pitching the Aquabats so much around the industry, we had some contacts, so we started pitching “Yo Gabba Gabba!,” and we immediately realized that we were going to run into the same problem unless we just took matters into our own hands and independently did it ourselves. And that’s really where the ball started rolling, and we realized, “Hey, if we’re going to do this, then we’re just going to need to go and make it on our own somehow.”

BE: Just as a sidebar, I’m a member of the Television Critics Association, so I’ve been there to witness “Yo Gabba Gabba!” walk away with the Best Children / Family Programming for two years in a row, which has been pretty cool.

CJ: Yeah, I mean, two years in a row…? That’s awesome. And a highlight of my life, to be sure. The first year, we were sitting next to Bryan Cranston from “Breaking Bad,” and then the next year we were, like, two tables away from Tom Hanks. So that was just totally weird. It was, like, “How did we get in a room with all of these awesome people?” [Laughs.]

BE: Yeah, I’ve actually got a picture – if not a great one – of Tom Hanks standing with Muno, Brobee, and the gang.

CJ: Oh, yeah, I was right there at ground zero with ‘em, just going, “This is totally bizarre and weird and awesome.” [Laughs.]

[Writer's note: That's kind of where I'm at when I look at this picture of myself from the same evening.]

BE: As you say, it was a lengthy evolution from concept to fruition for the series, but when you finally got down to brass tacks for the Hub incarnation of “The Aquabats! Super Show!,” presumably you guys pretty well had it down as far as what you wanted it to be.

CJ: Yeah, well, by the time we got through with the pilot of “Yo Gabba Gabab!” and had shot a whole season of it, I think we all felt that “Yo Gabba Gabba!” was… We really believed in that show, and this was even before the TCA Awards, but right away we thought, “Okay, we know this show is awesome, so let’s try to make the Aquabats’ show.” So at the end of Season One, we got some money together and went out and independently shot a pilot for the Aquabats’ show exactly how we always wanted to shoot it. That was the big difference. When we’d developed it before for networks and studios, there’s always a little bit of a compromise, because you come in, you pitch them on your idea, and then they buy your idea, and that idea becomes their idea, and they change it all around.

So we shot this pilot between seasons of “Yo Gabba Gabba!” and started pitching it around, and it took a little while, but it finally landed in the hands of the people from The Hub, like Margaret Loesch and Ted (Biaselli) and Donna (Ebbs). They’re all very creator-friendly, they’re producers themselves, they come from the world of production, and when they saw the show, they were, like, “This is perfect: it’s risky, it’s crazy…let’s do it!” And Ted was also an early big fan of “Yo Gabba Gabba!” We actually met Ted when we were pitching the pilot for “Yo Gabba Gabba!” He was working for Disney, and he really wanted to pick “Yo Gabba Gabba!” up, so a couple of years later when we came in with the pilot for the Aquabats, he said, “Guys, we gotta finally work together and do this.” [Laughs.] So, y’know, luck and time and effort and blood, sweat, and tears, and…there you go!

BE: For those who haven’t seen the series yet, Sid and Marty Krofft are – as already noted – clearly a very strong influence, but what are some other points of reference that might help viewers decide if they’d be into “The Aquabats! Super Show!”?

CJ: Well, I think there’s a lot of TV being made today that… [Hesitates.] For this show, we’re really building a lot of the influences from TV of the past, and it’s a lot more cinematic, like “Batman” or the old “Wild Wild West” with Robert Conrad. You know, those single-camera action shows from the ‘60s or the ‘70s that we all just grew up watching and idolizing. Even “The Twilight Zone.” Like, very single camera, very set up. And it’s tricky, because we’re trying to do so many set-ups in so little time, but there’s definitely an influence from there, there’s also an influence from across the water, like Japan. There’s a huge influence from “Godzilla” to “UltraMan” to all those early Power Rangers shows. They’re just ridiculous. And, y’know, there’s Shaw Brothers stuff in there from China, like the weird kung stuff, which we get into a bit more as the season goes on. But, also, the Aquabats are very self-deprecating and silly, yet we try to make a good balance between action and crazy and then just silly and random. [Laughs.]

We’re all really big pop culture fans and geeks and love all those action shows, or the attempts at action shows, so many that we watched try and fail. Like, there’s references to super-obscure stuff that I remember watching and being so excited about, like “Supertrain” or “Manimal.” All those weird shows around that time, with talking motorcycles and “Knight Rider.” So there’s a good 30 years worth of television culture packed into these 22-minute episodes for kids. And I think what makes it exciting is that, y’know, I have kids myself, so showing them some of the shows from the past…they’re not that interested, sadly. I mean, some of them they really love, but part of it, I think, is the pacing. So with the Aquabats’ show, my kids love it and they’re really into it because I think the pacing’s more attractive to them. They’re so used to things coming so fast and hitting them so quickly, whereas with shows like “Wild Wild West” or “The Twilight Zone,” it’s not so instant. It takes some time to build. So you put in all those stylish references and cool things from Japan or from here or there, and you fire them out a mile a second, and…I think it’s working. Either way, it’s been fun. [Laughs.]

BE: As far as the band itself goes, it seems rather insulting that the Aquabats tend to be lumped in with a group of artists described as “third wave ska.”

CJ: Yeah, you know, we’re not, really. We were all originally in different bands – I was in an indie rock band, Chad (Larson) was in a punk band, I know Ian (Fowles) was in a punk band – and we all got together and kind of formed a Voltron of bands. [Laughs.] And it was kind of a satirical take on a ska band, we invited our own uniforms or costumes, and we all played different instruments. We liked ska, but it more kind of having fun by playing with it, satirizing it, spoofing it, and generally not taking it super-seriously. Most ska shows were fun, the people were having fun and dancing, but then there were the people who were taking it so seriously, and that just seemed ridiculous to us, so we were, like, “Okay, let’s make this giant ska orchestra,” making it kind of a joke, but as the band evolved over the years… It was never a deliberate thing, but I think it just naturally happened, because there’s a lot of different styles of music that we play.

I’ve always been into bands like Ween and things like that, that can chameleon-like drift from genre to genre and play whatever music they want. I mean, even Weird Al: you add a little bit of humor in there, and you kind of have a license to do that. You have the opportunity write a country song, write a hip-hop song, write whatever you want. And that’s always been more attractive to me, because there’s no boundaries. If you set yourself up as a punk band, then you pretty much just have to play punk. Or if you’re a ska band, you just play ska. So that was a natural evolution that was always going to come out of our band. We do still get lumped in with that because that’s where we began, playing with other ska bands, but we were secretly always having a laugh, so to speak. [Laughs.]

BE: With the music for the show, will it be strictly new songs, or are you going to be reviving some of the older songs?

CJ: I think we’ll bring some of the old songs back. I don’t think we did any for this first season. No, wait, I take that back: there are a couple of older songs. But, y’know, I think we were just so happy to be able to do the Aquabats full-time as a job this year… [Laughs.] …that the amount of music that came out was pretty significant, and we just came off of writing an album that came out last year, so I guess we were just kind of in that mode of writing new music and being excited about it. Because, y’know, we haven’t been full-time as the Aquabats as a job since the very beginning. I think in 1997 we had a record deal that permitted us to be the Aquabats for about two years full-time, but then that was it. For this whole time since then, it’s been a part-time thing and very much more like a hobby. So, yeah, there’s lots of new stuff as a result of that, but we do want to bring back some of the old classics and weave them into the fabric of the show, for sure. If we get the chance to do a second season, that’d be awesome.

BE: This really must be a case of living the dream for you: not only do you get to do the Aquabats full-time, but you’re also able to utilize this other career you’ve built in TV production at the same time.

CJ: It is literally a dream come true. This is something that we always thought… I mean, we’d be on the road, going out and playing for maybe only 50 to 100 people, and having a great time, but we’d be thinking, “Man, this would be awesome if we could do this full-time.” There was just no way to sustain it. But we always thought, “If we could turn this into a television show and get some exposure and grow the Aquabats…” It just seemed like something that could take off, so that’s why it’s always been a goal to make into a TV show. We’d be, like, “We’ll be the Aquabats during the day and sleep in our own beds at night!” [Laughs.] So it is. It’s the dream job. And we’re also doing “Yo Gabba Gabba!” at the same time, so it’s been crazy. I’ve never been so busy and slept so little and been so happy.

BE: To bring this conversation full circle, it’s pretty fantastic that the first episode features Rip Taylor playing a genie, given that he played Sheldon the Sea Genie in “Sigmund and the Sea Monsters.”

CJ: [Laughs.] Of course! See, you got it. It’s perfect, right? We wrote these really elaborate scripts for every episode, then we looked at our budget and realized, “Wow, we’re basically writing cartoons that we can’t possibly pay for.” So we slimmed and trimmed and cut stuff down – the character of Man-Ant had this elaborate back story that we had to just cut out – and then someone just made the suggestion, “Hey, what if, like, Crash found a lamp, and there was a genie in it?” “Beautiful. Go with that.” And then it was, “Well, who’s gonna play the genie?” And everyone said at the same time, “Rip Taylor.” [Laughs.]

BE: Are there any other guest stars in upcoming episodes?

CJ: Oh, yeah. There’s Rip Taylor, Lou Diamond Phillips is in an upcoming episode, “Weird Al” Yankovic is in two episodes, and we’ve got Jon Heder from “Napoleon Dynamite.” Samm Levine’s in an episode, too. It’s similar to “Yo Gabba Gabba!” in that, like, on that show, you’ve got guys like Mark Mothersbaugh, who’s a music legend, and then these new up-and-coming bands. With the Aquabats’ show, we’re doing the same thing, except with guest stars. So you’ll have someone like Rip Taylor, and then we’ll be spotlighting some newer and more underground comedians who are really good as well.

BE: Having “Weird Al” Yankovic as a guest star certainly makes sense, given his own history with a kids show.

CJ: Oh, yeah, and that was fun talking to Al about that on the set, not only his experience making “The Weird Al Show,” but how much we loved it. And, of course, “UHF” is in my top-10 movies of all time, for sure. And it especially was at the time it was released, because, y’know, it spoofed everything, it was silly, and, most importantly, it was just Weird Al on film. [Laughs.] And Al’s so down to earth. He actually cameos as two different people in the series…or he could be the same person. We kind of leave that open. But he’s great. We’ve got such a tiny budget on this show, but we’ve had such a great response from people. It’s just been really, really cool.

The Aquabats! Super Show! premieres at 11 AM EST / PST Saturday on The Hub.

Bullz-Eye: So this is a pretty sweet gig you’ve got here.

Jon Heder: Uh…doing all these interviews? [Laughs.]

BE: Well, not necessarily that. I really meant you’ve got a gig where you don’t even necessarily have to wear pants.

JH: Oh, right! Which is appropriate, since Napoleon hardly ever wears pants on the show, either. [Laughs.] But, no, you’re right: this is a sweet gig. And I’m hoping that it continues and finds success. That’d be awesome.

BE: Well, I watched the first two episodes, and they were fun.

JH: I mean, it could possibly be the best job ever, because I love the work, I love the material, it’s, not, like, “Oh, all right.” I love “Napoleon.” And you’re going in, you’re recording, it’s easy scheduling…it could be the best job ever.

BE: Obviously you know the character pretty well. How much in terms of voice acting did you learn from doing films like “Surf’s Up” and “Monster House”?

JH: I’ve learned a lot, but…I don’t know if they necessarily prepped me for this, because…I was trying to create new, different voices and things for “Surf’s Up” and “Monster House.” This was a character I already knew and I knew what I was doing. I suppose doing all of those days of ADR on those films helped.

BE: Was it any trouble to find the Napoleon voice again?

JH: It took maybe five seconds. [Laughs.] It wasn’t too bad. I mean, at first, I definitely felt like one of the many college students who’ve done impersonations that I’ve seen on YouTube or whatever. Or just heard. Like, “Eat your freaking tots!” And as soon as I said it, it was, like, “Oh, uh…” And then I went, “No, no, no, I can own this. I mean, this is me! I am him!” [Laughs.] So it wasn’t too bad.

BE: How many horrible impressions of Napoleon have you heard over the years?

JH: Well, I was telling my wife the other day, “Is this horrible to say?” And it must be because it’s me, because it’s my voice, but…they’re all horrible. [Laughs.] I mean, it’s funny, but if you’re talking in terms of how good they are, none of them come close. And I would know, because it’s me! [Laughs.] But if I tried to take a more objective point of view, then, yes, I’ve probably heard a lot of good ones, too.

BE: When I talked to Diedrich (Bader) earlier, he said the moment he realized the movie was starting to become a phenomenon was when he was doing a recording session, a kid came in, and the kid’s jaw just dropped. And then the kid started reciting lines from the film, saying that he’d seen it, like, ten times already.

JH: Oh, my gosh.

BE: Did you have a similar moment, where you were, like, “Hey, this is a thing”?

JH: Oh, there were so many moments like that. You know, every single time a moment like that happens, you’re, like, “Oh, my gosh…” And then another one happens! Aaron (Ruell) brought up one earlier, talking about when we were body-scanned for “Napoleon Dynamite” figurines. [Laughs.] For me, though, I think it’d have to be when we were at the MTV Video Music Awards, because it’s such a pop cultural…the significance that it has in pop culture, saying, “This is the coolest of the cool, this is what kids of this young generations loves and thinks is awesome and kick-ass.” And “Napoleon Dynamite” won that year. It was, like, “Really?” None of those big-budget movies. No “Spider-Man,” nothing like that. And when we won it, it was, like, “Geez, okay, I guess people like it!” [Laughs.]

BE: And yet it’s a film that inspires a love-it-or-hate-it mentality. You’ve got people who swear by it, then you’ve got people who simply do not think it’s funny, no matter how many times they try to watch it. Does that surprise you, or can you see that?

JH: That they don’t understand it? Yeah, I can see that. I mean, it feels naïve to say, “I don’t know what they’re talking about, because you can’t argue with millions of Americans.” But I have met a few of them. And I’m sure there are more of them who are keeping their mouth shut. [Laughs.] But I guess it makes sense. It’s like with any comedy or character. Not everybody’s going to connect. If you grew up and had a completely different childhood and upbringing, then I could see it not making sense at all.

BE: I like that you own the fact that Napoleon’s voice is not so terribly different from your own.

JH: Uh, yeah, it wasn’t a stretch. [Laughs.] I definitely felt like I was putting on a voice, but it wasn’t like a crazy cartoon voice or anything. I so remember clearly when I read the script for the very first time, and it was, like, “This is my younger brother. This is how I when I was younger.” Just that angst that you feel when you’re younger. And when you’re a younger brother, and you feel that your older siblings are the world, and the world is against you.

BE: At one point during the panel, you commented on how you get to stretch your emotional range with Napoleon in the series. I think several people were surprised to hear that. [Note: I was one of them. I actually Tweeted it at the time.]

JH: [Laughs.] Yeah, I mean, I’m surprised to see it again. All through the recording…I mean, it’s all done on a sound stage, and you forget about a lot of it, but it was very weird at times where it was, like, “Okay, he’s got to laugh or giggle here. How do I do that? Let’s work on it a little.” Or, like, having him cry. These moments, they’re so quick, but it’s, like, we never did anything quick in the movie. Everything was so thought out and so important, and it was, “This is this, this is that.”But even in the last recording session we did, which was earlier this week, there’s a scene – it’s a joke, really – where he’s coming out of a theater and he’s crying, even though it’s, like, “Three Amigos” on the marquee. But he’s crying, and I was just, “Oh, you guys are probably used to telling Dan Castellaneta or the rest of the ‘Simpsons’ guys, ‘Okay, we just need a quick cry.’” [Laughs.] But I’m, like, “Wait, this is a serious, emotional moment? Napoleon’s crying…?” I didn’t know he could cry. Or would cry. So, yeah, that was fun.

BE: Had you ever considered what happened to Napoleon after the movie?

JH: Uh, yeah, we’ve been talking about that a lot today. [Laughs.] And it typically went pretty depressing. But then I came up with a good scenario. I could very well see him, like, maybe doing a little bit of community college and not having a lot of success with finding satisfying work there, just always, ‘Oh, this is lame.’ So he moves to the jungle. Maybe the Congo. Or South America. Somewhere like that, either with Greenpeace or some non-profit organization. Or becoming a cryptozoologist, hanging out with these underpaid guys, working off of government or city grants. He’s, like, “Okay, we’re going to catch the next giant fish monster that lives in this lake. We’re going to prove it exists.” I could see him doing that.

BE: Have you been back to Preston since you shot the movie?

JH: Well, we went back there a year after we originally shot the movie to shoot Kip and LaFawnduh’s wedding. But that was it. I mean, I know they were doing some “Napoleon Dynamite” festivals, and I was always curious to see one. I’d love to go back, though, festival or no. I’d just like to see the town, see what’s changed and how they reacted to the movie. It’d be cool.

BE: I know I’m going to have to wrap up in a moment, so I just wanted to ask you about a couple of your other films, the first one being “Benchwarmers.”

JH: “I love beef stew.” [Laughs.] Working with those guys was great. That was probably…I mean, next to “Napoleon,” it’s one of the most fun films I’ve made. It was all outside, and…it was a treat. Because it was easy. I mean, it was very laid back. But they had a big enough budget that they could treat us right. We played hacky-sack all day long. If we weren’t on the field throwing balls, we were playing hacky-sack. We joked around a lot, too. David Spade and Nick Swardson I became pretty close with. And just working with these guys who’ve been in the business so long…they were humble and so easy to work with. It really felt more like I was giving to the kids. There were kids in it, and kids loved it. It was great.

BE: What’s your next favorite film beyond that?

JH: “Blades of Glory.” In fact… [Hesitates.] It’s probably my favorite film since “Napoleon.” It was fun to make, but it was hard work. And I absolutely loved working with Will Ferrell. That was a dream come true. I love making films where you learn a skill. I love learning to ice skate.

BE: Did you learn any magic for “When in Rome”?

JH: I did take some magic training. Magic was harder. [Laughs.] You know, I learned enough for the film. But ice skating definitely became more of a passion. It’s not the easiest hobby to keep up. But I went roller skating the other day, and what I learned on the ice has served me well. [Laughs.]

BE: Lastly, how was the experience of hosting “Saturday Night Live”?

JH: I loved it. Again, that was a dream come true. I’ve had a lot of dreams come true. [Laughs.] But, I mean, “SNL”? It still boggles my brain that I did it. I thought it was going to be nerve-wracking, and it was, but, honestly, although I thought my feelings afterward was going to be, “I never want to do that again,” but I would totally do it again. I was worried I’d be scared, but I had such a blast that I’d totally do it again.

So sayeth the network: Based on the best-selling novel by world-renowned author John Grisham, “The Firm” is a new drama series that continues the story of attorney Mitchell McDeere (Josh Lucas), who, as a young associate 10 years earlier, had brought down the prestigious Memphis law firm of Bendini, Lambert & Locke, which had been operating as a front for the Chicago mob. After a difficult decade, which included a stay in the Federal Witness Protection Program, McDeere and his family now emerge from isolation to reclaim their lives and their future — only to find that past dangers are still lurking and new threats are everywhere. Abby McDeere (Molly Parker), Mitch’s supportive, smart and resourceful wife, who had helped her husband expose Bendini, Lambert & Locke, is excited to start a new life in Washington, D.C., as a school teacher and mom to their daughter, Claire (Natasha Calis). Ray McDeere (Callum Keith Rennie) is Mitch’s charming, yet volatile, older brother whose work as an investigator in Mitch’s office is uniquely informed by his past stretch in prison for manslaughter. Despite a gritty past that stands in stark contrast to that of his Harvard-grad brother, Ray shares one key quality with Mitch – a loyalty that is unbreakable. Tammy Hemphill (Juliette Lewis) is Mitch’s feisty, sexy receptionist whose work life is made all the more tumultuous by her on-again, off-again relationship with Ray. With a personality as arresting as her ever-changing hair color, Tammy is leery when Mitch accepts a deal to partner with a top law practice, as she’s not cut out for the conservative culture of a white-shoe firm.

My take: I literally only just got the pilot episode this morning, so I haven’t had a chance to check it out yet, but the combination of Lucas, Parker, and Lewis has me very intrigued, and the fact that Grisham himself is part of the mix makes me hopeful about the possibilities of where this series could go if it’s given the chance. That’s a big “if,” though, because this isn’t the first time a Grisham novel has made the jump to the small screen. Anyone remember “The Client,” with JoBeth Williams and John Heard? It’s become so obscure that there’s neither a Wikipedia page for it nor even a clip from it on YouTube. Let’s hope “The Firm” gets a better go of it than that.

(Premiere date: January 8, 9 PM; regular 10 PM timeslot begins January 12)

So sayeth the network: Meet Marty Kaan (Don Cheadle), the big-money earner at Galweather & Stearn, one of the nation’s largest management consulting firms. Marty is, well, the sh*t and, by default, so is his hot, young team – The Pod – of big-balling power players – Jeannie (Kristen Bell), Clyde (Ben Schwartz) and Doug (Josh Lawson). These white-collar, Ivy League sharks will use anything (or anyone) to get their gullible corporate clients to sign their souls to Galweather and bank millions in oh-so-delicious billable hours. Cha-frickin’-ching, bitches. Their motto? Screw or be screwed. Just that simple. Marty and The Pod’s work life is all first-class, top-shelf, black Am Ex, the best suites at the nicest hotels. Wild nights on the town servicing the clients are all in a day’s work. Caviar, white truffles, Grey Goose and Dom, and the special attention of some sexy…local tour guides (well, really off-duty strippers Lexxie, Destiny and Nikki) – all billed to the bloated corporate client’s bankroll as “entertainment expenses.” Yes, these are the perks. It’s all a win-win…for Marty and his team: they get the account; the client gets a week of reckless debauchery in exchange for useless, indecipherable management directives, all for the low, low price of…millions.

My take: Damn, it’s good to see Don Cheadle back in full-on comedy mode again…almost as good as it is to get to look at Kristen Bell on a weekly basis once more. Showtime’s comedies are notoriously raucous, and this one looks to be no exception.

(Premiere date: January 8, 10 PM)

So sayeth the network: A comedy starring Rob Schneider as a lifelong bachelor who just married into a tight-knit Mexican-American family. Rob is a successful landscape architect who, after a whirlwind romance, marries Maggie (Claudia Bassols), a beautiful, smart book translator, who is way out of his league. After eloping in Las Vegas, Maggie and Rob must break the news to her overprotective, judgmental parents, Rosa (Diana Maria Riva) and Fernando (Cheech Marin), that they are married. Shocked by news that they’ve eloped, the family remains skeptical of Maggie’s choice for a husband, with the exception of her uncle Hector (Eugenio Derbez), the black sheep of the family, who immediately declares himself Rob’s best friend. Rob hopes he will one day win over his new in-laws, aunts, uncles and Maggie’s Abuelita (Lupe Ontiveros), and live happily ever after with his one true love, Maggie.

My take: I wouldn’t go so far as to say that I’m thrilled at the prospect of a Rob Schneider sitcom, but I do think that Schneider can be funny, and if he’s reigned in somewhat by the constraints of being on a broadcast network, i.e. the humor doesn’t descend into low-brow in a big way, then it might actually give us a chance to remember how funny the guy could be on “Saturday Night Live” when given the right material. Plus, Bassols is muy caliente, and who doesn’t like Cheech?

(Premiere date: January 12, 8:30 PM)

So sayeth the network: Napoleon Dynamite (Jon Heder) is a 16-year-old boy convinced – for no apparent reason – that he is destined for greatness and blessed with unlimited “sweet abilities.” He spends his days practicing ninja moves, drawing ligers, soul dancing and bragging about his “girlfriend in Oklahoma” whom nobody has ever seen. Napoleon’s brother, Kip (Aaron Ruell), is an unemployed 32-year-old who lives at home and believes he would be an amazing catch for any girl who would respond to his online come-ons. The Dynamite brothers live with Grandma (Sandy Martin), a crusty woman who can often be found four-wheeling with her lady friends at the local sand dunes. Napoleon’s allies include Pedro (Efren Ramirez), his unflappable best friend who has recently been elected class president; and Deb (Tina Majorino), an incredibly sweet girl who sees the good in Napoleon and dreams of someday being his wife. Napoleon’s Uncle Rico (Jon Gries) lives out of an orange custom van, where he obsesses over his botched high school football career and dreams up ways to become rich and famous. Then there’s Rex Kwon Do (Diedrich Bader), a self-proclaimed martial-arts master who runs the local dojo.

My take: I’m not necessarily the target audience for this series – I’ve seen the movie once, and I didn’t love it enough to see it a second time, let alone join the cult that’s built up around it – but I admit that I’m intrigued by the fact that every single member of the cast has returned to reprise their roles. Oh, sure, a cynic would point out that it’s not like they’ve got a whole heck of a lot else going on…kind of like I just did. But let’s hope that at least part of the reason they came back was because the writing was strong.

(Premiere date: January 15, 8:30 PM)

So sayeth the network: When San Francisco Police Department Det. Rebecca Madsen (Sarah Jones) is assigned to a grisly homicide case, a fingerprint leads her to a shocking suspect: Jack Sylvane (Jeffrey Pierce), an Alcatraz inmate who died over 30 years ago. Given her family history – both her grandfather and surrogate uncle, Ray Archer (Robert Forster), were guards at the prison – Madsen’s interest is immediately piqued, and once the enigmatic, knows-everything-but-tells-nothing government agent Emerson Hauser (Sam Neill) tries to impede her investigation, she’s doggedly committed. Madsen turns to Alcatraz expert and comic book enthusiast, Dr. Diego “Doc” Soto (Jorge Garcia), to help her piece together the inexplicable sequence of events. The twosome discovers that Sylvane is not only alive, but he’s loose on the streets of San Francisco, exacting decades-old revenge and leaving bodies in his wake. And strangely, he hasn’t aged a day since 1963 when Alcatraz was ruled by the iron-fisted Warden Edwin James (Jonny Coyne) and the sadistic Associate Warden E.B. Tiller (Jason Butler Harner). Detective Madsen and Soto must team with Hauser and his technician, Lucy Banerjee (Parminder Nagra), to stop Sylvane’s vengeful killing spree. By delving into Alcatraz history, government cover-ups and Rebecca’s own heritage, the team will ultimately discover that Sylvane is only a small part of a much larger, more sinister present-day threat. For while he may be the first, it quickly becomes clear that Sylvane won’t be the last to reappear from Alcatraz. Through the course of the investigation, Madsen and Soto will learn that Hauser has been awaiting the prisoners’ return for nearly 50 years. Soto will witness his life’s work – the history of Alcatraz – come alive. Madsen will be forced to keep her supportive San Francisco cop fiancé, Jimmy Dickens (Santiago Cabrera), at arm’s length from the highly classified assignment as she sees everything she thought she knew about her family’s past shattered, all while fighting to keep the country safe from history’s most dangerous criminals.

My take: Don’t tell me I’m the only guy who’s spent his life intrigued by Alcatraz. Take the built-in mystique surrounding the prison, throw in the sci-fi / supernatural premise, J.J. Abrams as executive-producer, and a cast filled with familiar faces who know their way around this genre, and you’ve got me hooked. It’s my second favorite hour-long of the midseason.

(Premiere date: January 16, 8 PM; regular 9 PM timeslot begins January 23)

So sayeth the network: Martin Bohm (Kiefer Sutherland) is a widower and single father haunted by an inability to connect to his mute 11-year-old son, Jake (David Mazouz). Caring, intelligent and thoughtful, Martin has tried everything to reach his son who shows little emotion and never allows himself to be touched by anyone, including Martin. Jake busies himself with cast-off cell phones, disassembling them and manipulating the parts, allowing him to see the world in his own special way. After multiple failed attempts at keeping Jake in school, Martin is visited by social worker Clea Hopkins (Gugu Mbatha-Raw), who insists on doing an evaluation of the Bohms’ living situation. Although new at her job, Clea sees a man whose life has become dominated by a child he can no longer control. She believes his attempts to communicate with Jake are just wish fulfillment, and determines that it’s time for the state to intervene. But everything changes when Martin discovers that Jake possesses a gift of staggering genius – the ability to see things that no one else can, and the patterns that connect seemingly unrelated events. Jake is indeed communicating after all. But it’s not with words, it’s with numbers. Martin meets Arthur Teller (Danny Glover), a professor and an expert on children who possess special gifts when it comes to numbers. Now it’s up to Martin to decipher the meaning and connect the numbers to the cast of characters whose lives they affect.

My take: I still haven’t seen the pilot episode for the show, but the trailer really captured my imagination. Sutherland surely had his pick of projects in the wake of “24,” so I have to believe there’s something about “Touch” that really tickled his fancy. The fact that it’s created by Tim Kring, who ultimately disappointed with “Heroes,” makes me mildly concerned, but, hey, Season 1 of “Heroes” was pretty damned good. If Kring learned some valuable lessons from what went wrong with that series, here’s hoping he won’t make similar mistakes on “Touch.” (Please don’t let him make similar mistakes on “Touch.”)

(Premiere date: January 25, 9 PM; premiere March 19, 9 PM)

So sayeth the network: A behind-the-track look at the world of horse racing and gamblingʼs denizens – owners, trainers, jockeys and gamblers. Chester “Ace” Bernstein (Dustin Hoffman) is released from three years in federal prison. Heʼs met by his driver and bodyguard, Gus Demitriou
(Dennis Farina), who fronts as the owner of the $2 million Irish Horse that Ace just bought. A brilliant but disreputable trainer, the Peruvian Turo Escalante (John Ortiz), introduces us to their prized Irish thoroughbred, who is being examined by his girlfriend, track veterinarian Jo (Jill Hennessy). Meanwhile, veteran trainer-turned-owner Walter Smith (Nick Nolte) contains his optimism pinned on his promising “Big Horse” because heʼs wary. Of what, weʼre unsure, but we learn thereʼs a dark history and a shadow of scandal behind the horse. Four degenerate gamblers, Marcus (Kevin Dunn), Renzo (Ritchie Coster), Jerry (Jason Gedrick), and Lonnie (Ian Hart), meanwhile, are pooling their meager resources to bet Jerryʼs hunch on the dayʼs long shot, a high-stakes Pick Six winners contest.

My take: I admit it. I’m the dumbass who forgot that HBO was sneak-previewing “Luck” after the season finale of “Boardwalk Empire,” so I didn’t see it. And HBO has yet to send over the screener, so I’m kind of freaking out here, because everyone I know who has seen it has loved it. But, really, it’s David Milch material acted by Hoffman and Nolte, directed by Michael Mann. What’s not to freaking love?

(Premiere date: January 29, 19 PM)

So sayeth the network: “Smash” is a musical drama that celebrates the beauty and heartbreak of the Broadway theater as it follows a cross-section of dreamers and schemers who all have one common desire – to be a “smash.” The series centers on the process of creating a Broadway musical based on the life of Marilyn Monroe – written by the successful songwriting duo of Tom (Christian Borle) and Julia (Debra Messing). Julia recently began the process of adopting a child with her husband Frank (Brian d’Arcy James) of many years, but her focus is torn when she has the opportunity to write another Broadway hit. A rivalry soon forms for the lead role between a youthful, inexperienced Midwestern beauty Karen (Katharine McPhee) – who is trying to find fame in the big city against all odds – and stage veteran Ivy Bell (Megan Hilty), who’s determined to leave the chorus line and finally get her big break. A tenacious producer Eileen (Anjelica Huston) discovers the “Marilyn” project and jumps on board with a brilliant director, Derek (Jack Davenport) – whose talent is matched by his cunning and egocentric amorality. The series stemmed from an idea of executive producer Steven Spielberg. The pilot was written by Theresa Rebeck. David Marshall Grant, Craig Zadan and Neil Meron and Darryl Frank and Justin Falvey also serve as executive producers. Original songs are written by Marc Shaiman and Scott Wittman, who serve as executive producers as well.

My take: If you were wondering, this is my favorite hour-long of the midseason. It may seem like a glorified “Glee” when you watch the trailer, but I promise you that it was amazingly captivating from start to finish. I don’t know if they’re going to be able to maintain that level of awesomeness throughout the season, but for my money, this was a better pilot than anything I saw that premiered in the fall…which was particularly painful, since we’ve had the pilot since then. Thank God the time has finally come for the show to hit the air. I can’t wait.

(Premiere date: February 6, 10 PM)

So sayeth the network: Famed explorer Dr. Emmet Cole (Bruce Greenwood) went looking for magic deep in the uncharted Amazon and never returned. The shocking truth about his disappearance is out there, waiting to be discovered. To the millions of kids who grew up watching his show, Dr. Cole was a hero. To his own son, Lincoln (Joe Anderson), he was more of an enigma. Now, six months after he vanished, Lincoln is finally ready to bury the past when Dr. Cole’s emergency beacon suddenly goes off. At the urging of his mother, Tess (Leslie Hope), Lincoln reluctantly joins her on a search for his father. To fund the rescue, they agree to let Dr. Cole’s cagey ex-producer, Clark (Paul Blackthorne), film the mission documentary-style. The mixed crew of old friends and new acquaintances includes the alluring and resourceful Lena (Eloise Mumford), loyal mechanic Emilio (Daniel Zacapa) and lethal bodyguard Captain Kurt Brynildson (Thomas Kretschmann).

My take: It’s never easy to do horror on broadcast television, but, seriously, this pilot creeped me the hell out. Again, it’s another case where you really have no clue if and/or how they’re going to be able to maintain this level of quality as the season progresses, but the fact that it’s the work of the “Paranormal Event” people has me very curious to see if they can pull it off.

(Premiere date: February 7, 9 PM)

So sayeth the network: An unscripted series set in Smith’s iconic comic shop Jay and Silent Bob’s Secret Stash that captures the world of the neighborhood comic book store and fanboy culture.

My take: Your guess is about as good as mine when it comes to this show, which used to be called “Secret Stash” until just a few weeks ago. There’s no mention of the series on AMC’s website – the above text comes from the schedule for the TCA tour – and there’s certainly no trailer or clips to be had. As someone who spent much of his youth…okay, fine, and into my twenties…frequenting comic book stores, I know the inherent humor to be had in those places, so I’m extremely hopeful that Smith is the man who can make that translate into a funny-ass reality show. But we shall see.

(Premiere date: February 12, 10 PM)

So sayeth the network: Amanda Vaughn (Leslie Bibb), once the ultimate high school “mean girl,” is forced to return home in disgrace after her marriage ends in scandal. Reluctant but desperate, Amanda has no choice but to turn to her mother, Gigi (Annie Potts), for help. Gigi, the quintessential proper Dallas socialite, wants nothing more than to have Amanda back and to give Amanda’s two teenage kids a good southern upbringing. The problem is that Amanda is nothing like the girl she was 20 years ago and is hesitant about re-entering this world of opulence, status and salacious rumor mills. She is hopeful for a new start, but soon finds it’s not that easy to escape your past in this tightknit community. The women of Dallas are none too happy to see Amanda back in town. Carlene Cockburn (Kristin Chenoweth), once the ugly duckling, was tortured by Amanda in high school but has made quite the “assisted” transformation since. Now she has a picture-perfect, lavish life with a gorgeous husband, yet she still can’t seem to let go of old grudges. Then there’s Cricket Caruth-Reilly (Miriam Shor) whose boyfriend Amanda stole and later married. Cricket is now a tough-as-nails, successful businesswoman with a perfect marriage – at least so it appears from the outside. Sharon Peacham (Jennifer Aspen), the fallen beauty queen whose chance at the Miss Teen Dallas crown was snatched away by a malicious rumor Amanda started, hasn’t really been the same since. Finally, there’s Heather Cruz (Marisol Nichols), a bit of an outsider back in high school who has now become fully inducted into this twisted little social clique of affluent, sugary, God-fearing, steely women whose bark is as bad as their bite.

My take: I’m not really a soap-opera guy, but when someone can take soapy elements and find the funny in them, I’m willing to give it a chance, and the pilot for this series made me laugh on several occasions. Chenoweth is always a lot of fun, and although you may not recognize the names of the other cast members, there are plenty of familiar faces in the bunch. It’s clear that ABC is hoping to sell this to audiences as the heir apparent to “Desperate Housewives.” Based on what I’ve seen, it’s got my vote.

(Premiere date: March 4, 10 PM)

So sayeth the network: The struggle goes on in 21st century London as the updated team of Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson battle the worst that modern criminality has to offer, including a computer-savvy arch-villain who wants to rule the world.

My take: I really, really, really loved the first one. I cannot wait to see the second one. If I end up getting an advance screener of the three-part miniseries when I get to the TCA tour, I’m going to be the happiest camper this side of Scotland Yard. As it stands right now, however, I’ve seen no more than the brief clips that are on YouTube. Still, they’re enough to show that Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman have had no trouble stepping back into the roles of Holmes and Watson. Do you get the impression that I’m excited? May seems a lifetime away…

(Premiere date: May 6)