Robin Tunney (Ep. 1.1, “Pilot”)
Character: a kindergarten teacher who becomes dysphasic and starts having seizures. Turns out she’s invested with tapeworms.

Sam Trammell (Ep. 1.4, “Maternity”)
Character: the father of a baby girl that’s not even out of the maternity ward and already on death’s door from a virus.

Elizabeth Mitchell (Ep. 1.5, “Damned If you Don’t”)
Character: a nun who looks like she’s suffering from stigmata but is later discovered to be suffering an allergic reaction to a copper cross IUD left over from her, uh, wilder days.

Dominic Purcell (Ep. 1.6, “Fidelity”)
Character: a husband whose wife – the Patient of the Week – turns out to have been unfaithful.

Amanda Seyfried (Ep. 1.11, “Detox”)
Character: girlfriend to the Patient of the Week.

Scott Foley (Ep. 1.12, “Sports Medicine”)
Character: a baseball player suffering cadmium poisoning from all the pot he’s been smoking.

Joe Morton (Ep. 1.17, “Role Model”)
Character: a senator suffering the after-effects of an epilepsy treatment from childhood

John Cho (Ep. 1.20, “Love Hurts”)
Character: a guy who, after spilling apple juice on House’s clothes, ends up being diagnosed by him as having had a stroke. Upon further investigation, it’s determined that he has a trauma-induced aneurysm as a result of a preference for sadomasochism.

Carmen Electra (Ep. 1.21, “Three Stories”)
Character: While begrudgingly lecturing a classroom of medical students about a past patient who is depicted as looking like Carmen Electra playing miniature golf. In reality, the patient was actually a male golfer…and he played regular golf, by the way. (Who knew miniature golf could be so sexy?)

LL Cool J (Ep.2.1, “Acceptance”)
Character: a death-row inmate suffering from pheochromocytoma.

Ron Livingston (Ep. 2.4, “TB or Not TB”)
Character: a famous doctor who thinks he has tuberculosis. He doesn’t. It’s actually a tumor and a pancreas problem.

Taraji P. Henson (Ep. 2.6, “Spin”)
Character: the publicist for a famous bicyclist.

Cynthia Nixon (Ep. 2.9, “Deception”)
Character: an anemic woman who turns out to suffer from Münchausen’s syndrome.

Elle Fanning (Ep. 2.11, “Need to Know”)
Character: a little girl whose mom is swiping her Ritalin.

Howard Hesseman (Ep. 2.14, “Sex Kills”)
Character: a man who, in addition to suffering from a brain infection, is also sleeping with his ex-wife, who’s estranged from their daughter. It’s a family affair!

Michelle Trachtenberg (Ep. 2.16, “Safe”)
Character: a teenage girl who, in addition to having survived a car accident only by having a heart transplant, ends up suffering from an acute case of Tick in the Vagina. I only wish I was joking.

Jayma Mays (Ep. 2.18, “Sleeping Dogs Lie”)
Character: a poor, sweet girl who’s contracted bubonic plague through the fleas of her dog.

Thomas Dekker (Ep. 2.19, “House vs. God”)
Character: a faith healer who, rather embarrassingly, turns out to be suffering from a nasty case of herpes.

William Katt (Ep. 2.19, “House vs. God”)
Character: the father of the aforementioned faith healer.

D.B. Sweeney (Ep. 2.23, “Who’s Your Daddy?”)
Character: an old buddy of House’s who finds himself in the midst of a Katrina-related paternity situation.

Elias Koteas (Ep. 2.24, “No Reason”)
Character: a former patient of House’s who’s so disgruntled that he storms into the hospital and promptly shoots House twice. Which, really, isn’t all that surprising.

Kathleen Quinlan (Ep. 3.1, “Meaning”)
Character: the wife of a brain cancer surgery patient who’s paralyzed and in a wheelchair.

Sheryl Lee (Ep. 3.2, “Cane and Able”)
Character: the mother of a seven-year-old boy suffering from rectal bleeding and claims of being tortured by aliens.

Joel Grey (Ep. 3.3, “Informed Consent”)
Character: a noted cancer doctor who, as a result of suffering from the disease himself, begs House for euthanasia.

John Larroquette (Ep. 3.7, “Son of Coma Guy”)
Character: a gentleman in a vegetative state who, thanks to a cocktail of L-Dopa and amphetamines, is awakened long enough to reconnect with his son.

Patrick Fugit (Ep. 3.8, “Whac-A-Mole”)
Character: an 18-year-old who has a heart attack because, as it turns out, he needs a bone marrow transplant.

Meagan Good (Ep. 3.11, “Words and Deeds”)
Character: a firefighter who stands beside one of her medically-challenged coworkers

Dave Matthews (Ep. 3.15, “Half-Wit”)
Character: a pianist deals with a neurological condition which may impair his ability to play.

Kurtwood Smith (Ep. 3.15, “Half-Wit”)
Character: the father of the aforementioned pianist.

Marc Blucas (Ep. 3.16, “Top Secret”)
Character: a veteran who claims to have a nasty case of Gulf War Syndrome but is actually stuck with hereditary hemorrhagic telangiectasia instead.

Bailee Madison (Ep. 3.19, “Act Your Age”)
Character: a six-year-old who’s been affected by their father’s sexual-enhancement cream and, as a result, is going through puberty early.

Lyndsy Fonseca (Ep. 3.22, “Resignation”)
Character: a 19-year-old martial artist drinks drain cleaner and then pretends she hasn’t.

Piper Perabo (Ep. 3.22, “Resignation”)
Character: a vegan and nutritionist who thinks House is interested in her for a job and then gets upset when she realizes it’s more about her, uh, other assets.

Frank Whaley (Ep. 4.5, “Mirror, Mirror”)
Character: a mystery man who comes into the hospital and claims to have numerous symptoms while also suffering from some real ones.

Jeremy Renner (Ep. 4.9, “Games”)
Character: a grunge rocker whose addition to heroin is the least of his problems.

Mira Sorvino (Ep. 4.11, “Frozen”)
Character: a researcher in Antarctica who has to be diagnosed by House via webcam.

Felicia Day (Ep. 5.2, “Not Cancer”)
Character: a teacher who had a corneal transplant and is now dealing with a major brain problem.

Breckin Meyer (Ep. 5.3, “Adverse Events”)
Character: an artist who suffers from a gastrointestinal mass after taking an experimental antacid.

Sherilyn Fenn (Ep. 5.11, “Joy to the World”)
Character: the mother of a teenage girl suffering from both pregnancy and terminal cancer.

Judy Greer (Ep. 5.18, “Here Kitty”)
Character: a woman convinced that she’s going to die because a cat with a disconcerting tendency to sleep next to people on the last night of their lives slept next to her.

Mos Def (Ep. 5.19, “Locked In”)
Character: a guy who gets into a bicycle accident and gets locked-in syndrome for this trouble, meaning that he can think and is fully aware but can’t move or tell anyone of his awareness.

Meat Loaf (Ep. 5.20, “Simple Explanation”)
Character: a terminal patient who, like his life’s not bad enough already, has to endure watching his wife start to succumb to a resperatory ailment.

Carl Reiner (Ep. 5.24, “Both Sides Now”)
Character: an elderly man who claims to have a “squawking ” problem – his term for acid reflux, apparently – but actually has pancreatic cancer.

Curtis Armstrong (Ep. 6.1, “Broken”)
Character: One of House’s fellow patients at Mayfield Psychiatric Hospital.

James Earl Jones (Ep. 6.3, “The Tyrant”)
Character: a dying African dictator who nobody wants to save because he’s pro-ethnic-cleansing. Can you blame them, though? I mean, really…

Joshua Malina (Ep. 6.9, “Wilson”)
Character: a former patient of Wilson’s who asks him for part of his liver and, after getting it, proceeds to prove himself to be as much of a user as House is.

Ethan Embry (Ep. 6.10, “The Down Low”)
Character: a drug dealer suffering from the repeated aneurysms brought on by Hughes-Stovin Syndrome.

Orlando Jones (Ep. 6.12, “Moving the Chains”)
Character: Foreman’s brother. They’re not real close.

Laura Prepon (Ep. 6.14, “Private Lives”)
Character: A workaholic blogger with a case of Whipple’s Disease. It’s a gastrointestinal disorder. Any more detail would just freak us both out.

Sarah Wayne Callies (Ep. 6.18, “Open and Shut”)
Character: a woman whose open marriage makes it decidedly difficult to determine her ailment.

Jennifer Grey (Ep. 7.5, “Unplanned Parenthood”)
Character: a woman who gives birth to a baby with breathing problems, only to find out that she has melanoma and has passed it on to her child.

Amy Irving (Ep. 7.3, “Unwritten”)
Character: the author of a popular series of children’s books who has a seizure in the middle of trying to commit suicide.

Jack Coleman (Ep. 7.6, “Office Politics”)
Character: a senator’s campaign manager who has kidney failure. Oh, also, he probably had sex with the senator.

Matthew Lillard (Ep. 7.9, “Larger Than Life”)
Character: a musician who learns that parents aren’t fucking around when they tell you that chicken pox can be a major hassle when contracted by adults.

Donal Logue (Ep. 7.20, “Changes”)
Character: a lottery winner whose paralysis and cancer may or may not be the result of his new millionaire lifestyle.

David Costabile (Ep. 7.20, “Changes”)
Character: the lottery winner’s shady cousin.

Michael Pare (Ep. 8.1, “Twenty Vicodin”)
Character: The warden of the prison House gets thrown in after driving his car into Cuddy’s house.

Wentworth Miller (Ep. 8.3, “Charity Case”)
Character: a philanthropist who, in the midst of his own medical issues, offers to donate a kidney to a patient.

Michael Nouri (Ep. 8.4, “Risky Business”)
Character: a businessman whose constant trips to China may be the cause of his medical woes.

Billy Connolly (Ep. 8.14, “Love is Blind”)
Character: the man who would be House’s next stepfather. (In other words, the guy’s sleeping with House’s mom.)

Peter Weller (Ep. 8.20, “Post Mortem”)
Character: another physician at the hospital, one who looks suspiciously like the man who directed this episode.

James LeGros (Ep. 8.22, “Everybody Dies”)
Character: a drug addict who causes House to reflect on his life.

Chi McBride (Season 1)
Character: a billionaire pharmaceutical company owner who donates US$100 million to the hospital in return for becoming chairman of the board. He doesn’t like House. At all. Which is why he leaves quickly.

Sela Ward (Seasons 1 & 2)
Character: House’s ex-girlfriend, who turns up because she wants him to treat her husband, who’s suffering from acute intermittent porphyria. House thinks he’s going to get back together with his ex. He’s wrong.

Charles S. Dutton (Seasons 2 & 3)
Character: Foreman’s rather religious father.

R. Lee Ermey (Seasons 2 & 5)
Character: House’s father. Except it later turns out that he wasn’t actually House’s father after all. But that doesn’t stop him from grieving when he dies.

Diane Baker ( Seasons 2, 5 & 8 )
Character: House’s mother. Things get weird when she finds someone new in the wake of her husband’s death.

David Morse (Season 3)
Character: a clinic patient of House’s who gets pissed off at the way House treats him, and because he’s a detective, he proceeds to make House’s life a living hell for several episodes.

Leighton Meester (Season 3)
Character: House’s stalker. Actually, she only stalked him for two episodes, but it still technically counts.

Kadeem Hardison (Season 3)
Character: House’s attorney while he’s being taunted by David Morse’s character

Fred Durst (Season 4)
Character: the bartender who took House’s keys and forced him to ride the bus home, which subsequently wrecked and killed Amber (Anne Dudek), Wilson’s girlfriend.

Lori Petty (Season 5)
Character: a patient involved in the Huntington’s disease drug trials with Thirteen.

Andre Braugher (Season 6)
Character: House’s therapist when he’s doin’ time at the Mayfield Psychiatric Hospital. The two end up bonding somewhat after House’s release.

Cynthia Watros (Seasons 6 & 7)
Character: Wilson’s first wife. They start dating again. It doesn’t work out. Again.

Candice Bergen (Season 7)
Character: Cuddy’s mother

Paula Marshall (Season 7)
Character: Cuddy’s sister.

Everyone has taken that soul-sucking job in order to pay the bills. And while we proles may tease them for living the glamorous life, actors probably take that job more often than anyone, since they never know when the next job is going to come. (Case in point: Michael Madsen told us that he categorizes the movies he’s made as “good,” “bad,” and “unwatchable.”) Putting this theory to the test, we scoured the filmographies of this year’s nominees in the acting categories, looking for movie titles that screamed ‘bad idea.,’ and we were not disappointed with what we found. Jesse Eisenberg, for example, did a TV movie called “Lightning: Fire from the Sky,” which will be the main feature at our next Bad Movie night. Here are ten other films that this year’s candidates would probably prefer remained unseen.

Colin Firth (Best Actor, “The King’s Speech”)

Movie: Femme Fatale (1991)
IMDb rating: 4.6
The plot: An English artist-turned park ranger falls for and marries a stranger, only for her to disappear days later. As he learns more about his wife, he gets deeper and deeper into the Los Angeles underworld looking for clues that will lead him to her.
Firth’s character: Joe Prince, the aforementioned artist/ranger.
How bad is it?: You may not see the ending coming, but that is about the only thing this movie has going for it. Armed with one of the most awkward love scenes we’ve seen in ages, this movie does not gel on any level, using mental illness as a means of providing psychological depth, not to mention Acting!, with that last word ideally spoken like Jon Lovitz. Firth is actually passable here, given the material, and Danny Trejo pops up as a tattoo artist. But you can bet that when someone assembles a clip show of Firth’s finest moments, this movie will not make the cut.

Jeremy Renner (Best Supporting Actor, “The Town”)

Movie: National Lampoon’s Senior Trip (1995)
IMDb rating: 4.9
The plot: A group of delinquent kids takes a bus trip to Washington D.C. to tell the President first-hand what is wrong with the education system, something a couple of corrupt politicians intend to exploit.
Renner’s character: Mark “Dags” D’agostino, a slacker stoner. With pierced ears.
How bad is it?: Put it this way: the first actor listed in the credits is Matt “Max Headroom” Frewer, and the movie’s few laughs come from Tommy Chong as the drug-addled bus driver. On the “National Lampoon” movie scale, this one lands somewhere in between “Class Reunion” and “Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj.”

James Franco (Best Actor, “127 Hours”)

Movie: Whatever It Takes (2000)
IMDb rating: 5.2
The plot: Geek wants unattainable babe, jock wants geek’s unattainable neighbor friend next door. Geek and jock strike deal to help each other out, even though it’s clear that neither couple belongs together.
Franco’s character: Chris Campbell, the jock, natch.
How bad is it?: It’s not bad so much as it’s dull. It’s bad too, but mostly dull. Jodi Lyn O’Keefe is a lovely physical specimen, but she has the screen presence of a black hole, while Franco is stuck doing a character similar to Andrew Keegan’s Joey from “10 Things I Hate About You,” which came out the previous year. No one here has much personality, not even the geek’s even geekier friends (played by “Breaking Bad’s” Aaron Paul and Tom Hanks’ son Colin). There is a reason this movie only made about half of its $15 million budget back at the box office.

Nicole Kidman (Best Actress, “Rabbit Hole”)

Movie: BMX Bandits (1983)
IMDb rating: 4.8
The plot: Three teenagers looking to make some quick money unwittingly steal walkie talkies from a crime lord who needs the walkies for a Big Score.
Kidman’s character: Judy, the plucky girl who loves happy endings. And BMX bikes.
How bad is it?: The first half is actually pretty decent. The kids’ dialogue is snappy and the three leads – one of whom, no joke, is named Angelo D’Angelo – are all quite likable. The second half, however, is just ridiculous, as the kids are chased by two Keystone cop-type goons. The director does some interesting POV shots, but he scores every bike jump with a synthesized swoosh. Also, Kidman’s bike double is clearly a dude.

John Hawkes (Best Supporting Actor, “Winter’s Bone”)

Movie: Future-Kill (1985)
IMDb rating: 3.5
The plot: A group of frat boys go into New York City to pull a prank, only to by hunted by a homicidal mutant.
Hawkes’ character: The Light Man, though we have no idea where this name comes from since has neither lights nor cigarettes. He’s just a kid dancing at a fraternity party. But what is that robe thing he’s wearing?
How bad is it?: Sweet Jesus, is this movie bad. The tone is all over the place, the story steals from roughly half a dozen other movies, and the title makes no sense, as there is nothing futuristic about it. As many people have pointed out, the best thing about this movie is the poster that H.R. Giger designed for it, though even that poster makes no sense in context with the movie.

Michelle Williams (Best Actress, “Blue Valentine”)

Movie: Timemaster (1995)
IMDb rasting: 3.8
The plot: A time traveling boy must stop an alien race from manipulating humans into blowing up their own planet.
Williams’ character: Anna. And that’s all we know.
How bad is it?: As you can tell, we weren’t able to actually get our hands on this one (the movie’s all over the torrent sites, but those things make our computers itchy), and while that would normally be grounds for exclusion from a piece like this, the trailer is just too ridiculous to pass up. Looking like some strange, cheap hybrid of “The Quick & the Dead” and Barry Sonnenfeld’s “Wild, Wild West,” “Timemaster” blends post-apocalyptic goons with sci-fi gadgetry and, for some reason, backflipping skiers. And apparently the plot has something to do with virtual reality, which was B-movie law in 1995. And the only thing that makes this trailer more awesome is watching it en Espanol. Thank you, God.

Mark Ruffalo (Best Supporting Actor, “The Kids Are All Right”)

Movie: Mirror, Mirror II: Raven Dance (1994)
IMDb rating: 3.9
The plot: A girl and her mentally challenged brother live in an orphanage, and the girl discovers that a mysterious mirror is capable of granting wishes, but at a price (dunt dunt duuuuuunh).
Ruffalo’s character: Christian, a benevolent boy in a puffy shirt who may or may not be a physical manifestation of the mirror itself.
How bad is it?: As horror movies go, this is as scare-free as they come, and the subtitle “Raven Dance” doesn’t really apply, except for the fact that a raven occasionally comes out of the mirror, and the lead actress occasionally dances. Ruffalo doesn’t fare too badly as the mysterious Christian, but the movie around him makes no sense. Ruffalo would return for a third “Mirror Mirror”…as a different character, which must be a recurring theme for this series since William Sanderson (“True Blood”) did the same thing in the first two installments.

Jeff Bridges (Best Actor, “True Grit”)

Movie: The Yin and Yang of Mr. Go (1970)
IMDb rating: 3.9
The plot: James Mason is Y.Y. Go, a half-Mexican, half-Chinese (ha ha ha ha!) power broker who blackmails an American ballistics expert into giving up blueprints for a cutting-edge weapon, but has a sudden change of heart.
Bridges’ character: Nero Finnegan, an aspiring writer and draft dodger who is lured into doing seedy work for Go for some quick cash.
How bad is it?: Did we mention that the movie was narrated by Buddha? Man oh man, is this gonzo. Written and directed by Burgess Meredith (yep, the Penguin himself), the movie actually delves into some pretty taboo stuff for the time (Bridges seduces the ballistics expert, and his girlfriend is molested by a female cop), but at the same time, it is completely scattershot. Bridges complains that his girlfriend is late, even though he has three hookers in his apartment. The government’s plan to get close to Finnegan is to have an agent pose as a publisher who’s interested in his work, as if that isn’t at all suspicious. The is one loony movie, but on the plus side, there are several shots of Irene Tsu’s perky breasts, so it has that going for it. That, and its fabulous “Age of Aquarius”-type theme song.

Helena Bonham Carter (Best Supporting Actress, “The King’s Speech”

Movie: Francesco (1989)
IMDb rating: 6.0
The plot: A group of Franciscans attempt to document the life of St. Francis of Assisi, a wealthy playboy who became a saint.
Carter’s character: Chiana, the young lass who tries to understand his need to live the life of a possessionless pauper.
How bad is it?: Well, Rourke doesn’t have an English accent, and his hair looks like he just shot an episode of “Miami Vice” (we’re pretty sure we saw a tattoo as well, and an earring), but Carter does her part to lend an air of legitimacy to it all, even if it’s rather ponderous. And while her appearance is probably historically accurate, you have to think that Carter winces in horror whenever she sees pictures of herself from this movie. Especially those manbrows. And check out that synthtastic score by Vangelis!

Amy Adams (Best Supporting Actress, “The Fighter”)

Movie: Psycho Beach Party (2000)
IMDb rating: 6.0
The plot: A ’60s surf movie parody where an atypical teenage girl wants to learn how to surf while a serial killer lurks among them.
Adams’ character: Marvel Ann, a shallow harpy looking for an MRS degree and will use all of her feminine wiles to get it.
How bad is it?: We picked this one solely for its title, expecting it to be all camp but no wit. And dog our cats, but this one turned out to be pretty awesome. Seriously, we’re not sure how this one did not appear on our radar earlier, considering it has a regular from “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” (Nicholas Brendon), Los Straitjackets as the band during the luau scene, and Thomas Gibson (!) playing a beatnik rhyming version of The Dude. And if that weren’t enough, Lauren Ambrose plays not one, not two, but three characters, and they’re all great. (We can’t tell you how excited we are that she’s in the upcoming season of “Torchwood.”) Ah, but right, this piece is supposed to be about Adams. She gets to show off her dance moves, and her hourglass figure; what’s not to love? She’s made much worse movies than this, that’s for sure. Take “Leap Year,” for example.