If Michael Jackson were to write a song about this razor, it would be called “Bad.” If this razor were a woman, it would be Roseanne Barr. If this razor were a space shuttle, it would be the Challenger. If this razor were a car, it would be a Ford Festiva. If this razor were a Band-Aid, it would be the kind that doesn’t have enough adhesive to stick.

The Xtreme3 is loaded with three blades as the name would suggest. It’s called the Fitstyle Refresh because it has a strip below the razor with both a mysterious “pre-shave oil” and Vitamin E, meant to coat your skin as you glide along the rest of your face. Though marketed as having a “new refreshing scented handle for an invigorating shave,” I didn’t find that to be the case.

While I was shaving with it, I didn’t notice any additional scent, so I placed it directly under my nose to take a whiff and still couldn’t detect a scent other than a plastic handle. I smelled all four razors in the package and none of them smelled like anything.

According to the packaging the razor came in, the Fitstyle Refresh is the “#1 flexible blade disposable razor.” But I wouldn’t agree it all; I don’t even think it’s the #1 disposable razor in its own family, sort of like Emilio Estevez. There is no way it is better than the Schick Xtreme3 (Martin Sheen) or the Schick Hydro 5 Power Select (Charlie Sheen).

Compared to several of Schick’s other offerings, I wasn’t very impressed with the Xtreme3 Fitstyle Refresh. I found it to be incredibly stiff, like Newt Gingrich at a Wham reunion concert, because it didn’t move with the contours of my face at all. I know it’s a disposable razor, but there was no weight to it whatsoever, which I think was a problem in terms of effectiveness.

Several times during the shave, I had to re-shave an area more than once, particularly the area where my mustache would be if I could grow one. Which is pretty bad, because if you can grow a mustache, plan on shaving that area about five times. And getting way more chicks than me; congrats. Somehow, it took more skin off of my face than hair.

I was extremely disappointed with the lack of effectiveness exhibited by the Fitstyle Refresh. Ff you want a good disposable razor from Schick, check out the Schick Xtreme3 or the Schick Hydro 5 Power Select instead.

What made Two and a Half Men a great show? The raunchy humor was a part of it, but the lines were delivered by great actors playing hilarious characters. Charlie Sheen carried the show with his portrayal of Charlie Harper, and Jon Cryer’s Alan was the perfect foil. The contrast between the two men was real and created the perfect setting for all sorts of situations, and each character made us laugh along the way.

We shouldn’t expect Chuck Lorre and the writers to create a new version of this formula overnight, and it’s impossible to judge the new version of Men after one episode, but there was something missing in the first episode.

I’m not referring to the over-the-top swipes at Sheen’s character and the need to create a new storyline. I thought most of the jokes about Charlie’s death were forced and fell flat, while some of the cameos were funny, particularly the Dharma and Greg appearance. Lorre and his writers will move on, and these scenes have nothing to do with the future of the show.

The problem so far rests with Ashton Kutcher’s new character, billionaire Walden Schmidt, who meets Alan after trying to kill himself. I thought Kutcher was a great choice to replace Sheen, but Lorre seems to have created a flat character with the charisma and humor of a dead fish. He’s good-looking and bags beautiful babes like Charlie with little effort, but he’s also pathetic and boring, at least so far.

Cryer was excellent as usual, and he had many of the laugh lines in this first episode playing off of Walden Schmidt’s good looks and huge assets. His line that he “masturbated and cried myself to sleep” after Walden hooked up with the two babes they brought back to the beach house was classic Alan. But his loser routine worked great when played off of the charismatic and brutally funny Charlie Harper. How long can this work, however, opposite the dour Walden Schmidt?

Maybe the writers will have this character undergo a metamorphosis in part 2 of this opening episode or in future episodes as he embraces all the advantages he has in life. They have to do something, because none of Kutcher’s lines made me chuckle, let alone laugh out loud. Kutcher seemed like a good choice because he’s pulled off a zany and provocative character in the past. He can find a voice here if given the chance. Yet so far he’s more like a straight man, and that has to change. As great as Jon Cryer can be, he can’t carry this show all by himself, and so far the writers are giving Kutcher very little to work with.

This weekend (starting yesterday, actually), deep in the heart of southern Illinois, the twelfth (!) annual Gathering of the Juggalos is taking place. Now, we’ve seen the word ‘Juggalo’ pop up here and there in the news cycle – usually near the word ‘Gallagher’ – but we were quick to dismiss it because Juggalos are fans of the Detroit hip-hop group Insane Clown Posse, who hit their commercial peak in the late ’90s and were perhaps best known for a feud with fellow Motowner Eminem. Are there really enough of these Juggalos to merit their own festival?

One of our friends set us straight. He said, “You have to see this video. Wow. Just…wow.” The song: “Miracles,” by Insane Clown Posse, currently sporting just under 7.8 million hits on YouTube.

Now, the back story to this song is that the two guys in the band (we will not bother mentioning them by name, because it just doesn’t matter) liked the wide-eyed wonder with which they viewed the world as kids, and resented finding out that there is a logical, scientific explanation for everything. Fine, we’ll buy that, but they weren’t content to write a song about these small wonders of the world that says, “Look at this stuff. Isn’t it cool?” No, instead they turned it into an anti-intellectual battle cry. We won’t break the song down line by line, but here are some of our favorite lines:

“Water, fire, air and dirt / Fucking magnets, how do they work?”
“I fed a fish to a pelican at Frisco Bay / He tried to eat my cell phone, he ran away”
“Fucking rainbows after it rains…”
“Magic everywhere in this bitch…”
“And I don’t want to talk to a scientist / Y’all motherfuckers lying, and getting me pissed”

So, to summarize, pelicans eating your cell phone is a miracle, as are fucking magnets and fucking rainbows. Scientists, however, are filthy, filthy liars. Got it. Enjoy your life of aggressive ignorance, guys.

So, back to “SNL.” They’ve been running fake ads for Under Underground Records for two years now, and until we saw the three minute-trailer for this year’s Juggalos gathering, we didn’t get the joke. Then at once, it all came together. Bad voiceovers, blond girl with pigtails, ridiculous graphics, check, check, checkmate. They even lampooned “Miracles,” which, to be fair, wasn’t terribly difficult. What the fuck is a clock?

Ass Dan, you will be missed. But not for the reasons you might think.

The lineup of bands playing this year’s event is frankly shocking. It’s mostly old school hip hop guys and other assorted clowns (namely, Charlie Sheen and Flavor Flav), but they also got George Clinton and Ice Cube, who I’m sure got an earful from his agent before signing on. “I’m going to have a hard time spinning this to Disney, Ice.” The one that stood out to us, though, was Lil Jon, since we never miss an opportunity to share this hilariously obscene mash-up of Lil Jon with the Icelandic kids show “LazyTown.” You’ll never look at cake the same way again. Booooo, muthafucka!

Lil Jon – Cooking by the Book

Ah, but the show did have its good points, along with some less than good points. Here’s the Bullz-Eye breakdown of the 2011 Academy Awards.

The show was short

It was over in three hours and 15 minutes, making it the shortest broadcast since 2005. And had Kirk Douglas not done that “You know…” bit over and over, it would have been five minutes shorter. But it’s hard to fault Douglas for that since it was one of the better improv moments of the evening.

Anne Hathaway

Did we mention that she’s hot, as in ‘would look good in a suit of armor’ hot? And the bit where she poked fun at her own movie by saying, “You know, it used to be that you get naked, you get an Oscar. Not anymore.” Then, one more time, wistfully, “Not anymore.” Gold. And that last dress she wore…wow. We found it extremely difficult to take our eyes off of her breasts, which was surely the point.

“Inception” won more Oscars than we were expecting

We knew the technical awards were a lock, but stealing the Cinematography Oscar from the Deke (that would be Roger Deakins, who shot “True Grit“) was a shocker. And yet, despite winning four Oscars and being nominated for Best Picture and Original Screenplay, the Academy didn’t see fit to nominate Christopher Nolan for Best Director. Ugh.

They weren’t afraid to make fun of Charlie Sheen

Though, as one of our Popdose colleagues observed, the show probably would have been a lot more entertaining had he hosted.

Randy Newman

God love him. Even he knows the score that if you’re on screen, you damn well better be entertaining. “I want to be good television!” The sad thing is that, as we watched him win his second Oscar – in 20 attempts – we had a horrible thought: if he came along today, no major label would even think of signing him.

Trent Reznor is an Oscar winner

And rightfully so, though in a perfect world, he and Atticus Ross would have been dueling it out with Daft Punk (“TRON: Legacy“) for Best Score. The Frenchies was robbed, we tells ya.

James Franco

We love James Franco. He turned in our favorite performance of the year in “127 Hours.” But he was, um, off last night, leading some to speculate that he was high. Personally, we think Franco is way too smart to do something so boneheaded; just because he played a friendly stoner in “Pineapple Express” doesn’t mean he is one. Dude’s too busy to get high. But it seemed as though he was playing his character in “Freaks and Geeks,” as if that was at all a good idea.

Cate Blanchett’s dress

Everything else about Cate was stunning. Cute hair, lovely figure, wry smile, ba-boom ba-boom ba-boom. But that dress…what the hell? It looked like a tablecloth, one that had lemon cream pie spilled at the shoulders.

Tom Hooper winning Best Director

There is an argument that there is no bad acting, only bad direction, and by that standard, Tom Hooper did an outstanding job directing “The King’s Speech.” And truth be told, he did do an outstanding job directing that movie. But look at what David Fincher had to put together, the number of moving pieces, and the dialogue that his actors had to get just right. He should have won, plain and simple.

Christian Bale plugging a web site in his acceptance speech

Tacky, and the crowd let him know it.

Celine Dion singing during the “In Memoriam” piece

There wasn’t anyone else you could have found to sing that song? Really? Anne Hathaway is sitting right backstage. She can sing. And she doesn’t look like an alien.

Susanne Bier

The Danish filmmaker just won her first Academy Award for her film “In a Better World,” and here was the reaction from one of our party guests: “She has pit stains!” Ow.

If you’ve paid any attention whatsoever to the entertainment news coming out of Hollywood in the past few weeks, then you can’t help but be aware of Charlie Sheen’s increasingly strange shenanigans and how they’ve directly affected the rest of the cast and crew of CBS’s long-running and ridiculously-successful sitcom, “Two and a Half Men.” Who would’ve thought that the infamous hotel incident in October 2010 would’ve proven to be one of the lesser moments on the actor’s ever-lengthening list of embarrassing incidents?

Now, after making the decision to bypass traditional rehab in favor of curing his drug and alcohol issues with his mind, Sheen has been running off at the mouth so much that CBS has pulled the plug and decided to call off the remainder of the episodes that had been planned for this season.

But what of next season? More importantly, given all of the nasty remarks that Sheen’s made toward series creator Chuck Lorre, will there even be a next season?

We know that CBS, Warner Brothers Television, and Lorre have ostensibly ruled out continuing “Two and a Half Men” without Sheen, but if we’re to be honest, it seems like the better tactic would be for the whole lot of them to say, “Hey, Charlie, read our lips: one monkey don’t stop no show,” then find a new man to join Jon Cryer and Angus T. Jones and keep the title intact. We know things are kind of crazy over there at the moment, though, so we thought we’d at least try to help them a bit with the casting process.

Sure, they say they won’t continue without Charlie…but, then, they haven’t seen our suggestions yet.

First, let’s get the jokes out of our system, shall we? Yes, we chuckled at the thought of having Martin Sheen step into his son’s shoes, and we also had a laugh over the idea of Emilio Estevez taking over, since, really, what else has he got going on? We considered the possibility of Michael J. Fox getting a little bit of “Spin City” payback by having him replace Charlie, and at one point we also said, “Hey, how about Randy Quaid? If anyone can make Charlie Sheen look like the sane one…”

The following folks, however, are men that we think really would help keep “Two and a Half Men” on the air without having the number of laughs per minute fall below acceptable levels.

Woody Harrelson

Why he’d be a perfect fit: Harrelson got his first big break in television, thanks to playing dim-bulb bartender Woody Boyd on “Cheers,” but even though he eased into a perfectly reasonable feature-film career during the late ’90s, he wasn’t afraid to step back onto the small screen for a recurring role (seven episodes) on “Will & Grace” in 2001. These days, Harrelson’s mostly been pulling supporting-role parts, and although “Zombieland” was a pleasant exception, we can still see him accepting another sitcom gig, especially since the reality of the situation is that he’d pick up a decent chunk of change for a job that A) would be relatively short-term, and B) he could pretty much do in his sleep.

Jamie Kennedy

Why he’d be a perfect fit: Although your personal mileage may vary on his effectiveness, mainstream America has embraced Kennedy’s comedy on several occasions over the past decade. Between his self-titled “Experiment” running for three seasons on The WB and the continued cult success of his films “Malibu’s Most Wanted” and “Kickin’ It Old School” on DVD, he definitely qualifies as a proven comedic commodity for the “Two and a Half Men” crowd. Plus, he’s got at least a little bit of sitcom street cred behind the scenes as well, having co-created and written for The WB’s “Living with Fran,” Fran Drescher’s short-lived post-”Nanny” series. Most importantly, though, Kennedy secured honest dramatic work from 2008 to 2010 as part of the “Ghost Whisperer” cast, which means that he has a recent history as a member of the CBS family.

D.B. Sweeney

Why he’d be a perfect fit: Well, for one thing, we’d be willing to bet that most guys still think first and foremost of Sweeney for the work he did alongside the man he’d be replacing, in “Eight Men Out.” The ladies, however, tend to think of him…and still swoon over him…in conjunction with a different sport: hockey. Indeed, I am assured that any woman whose heart doesn’t go pitter-pat at the mere thought of “The Cutting Edge” should officially consider themselves to be a disgrace to their gender. Sweeney’s never really gotten a fair shake on television – none of the shows on which he’s been a full-fledged regular (“Strange Luck,” “C-16: FBI,” “Harsh Realm,” and “Life as We Know It”) have survived beyond their first season – but given that he’s capable of playing the bad boy and getting both girls and laughs, he strikes us as a highly viable candidate.

Seann William Scott

Why he’d be a perfect fit: Do we really need to spell it out for you? Scott may not be thrilled that he’s gotten more than a little bit typecast as his “American Pie” character, but a Stifler-esque type is exactly what “Two and a Half Men” needs to fill the vacuum that would be left by Charlie Sheen’s departure. Given Scott’s decreasing returns on the big screen in recent years, we’re a little surprised he hasn’t shown up in a sitcom yet, anyway, but this would be a perfect opportunity to revive his declining star power by playing up the comedic attributes that made him hot in the first place.

Matthew McConaughey

Why he’d be a perfect fit: What, you mean besides the fact that the female demos for “Two and a Half Men” would shoot into the stratosphere? I don’t think anyone will deny that McConaughey is still a proven box-office draw when he’s playing against an equally pretty leading lady in a vapid romantic comedy, but the last time he tried to step outside that mold, we got “Surfer, Dude,” a film which might as well have gone straight to video, given how few theaters cared enough to screen it. Not that the movie jobs aren’t continuing to roll in, anyway, but we know how badly McConaughey wants to make “The Grackle,” a film which he describes variously as “the funniest script I’ve ever, ever read,” “a game-breaker,” and “a rule-changing role and movie.” Taking a high-profile sitcom gig would help raise his stock in Hollywood and might well put him in the position to finally make “The Grackle” come to fruition.

John C. McGinley

Why he’d be a perfect fit: Although McGinley might not immediately come to mind when considering someone to step into Sheen’s shoes, the actors have actually shared the screen before, albeit in a slightly more dramatic capacity. (After all those years of seeing him as Dr. Cox, you’re forgiven if you’d forgotten that McGinley was in both “Platoon” and “Wall Street.”) Admittedly, we wouldn’t be surprised if he wasn’t interested in taking on another sitcom gig so soon after wrapping “Scrubs,” especially if he has any desire whatsoever to make a significant play for more feature-film work, but he was so darned good at berating Zach Braff that we’d be lying if we didn’t admit to being kind of excited at the thought of pitting him against Cryer and Jones.

Joe Rogan

Why he’d be a perfect fit: Although he was seen by far more eyes as the host of “Fear Factor” than he ever was as a cast member of the late, great “NewsRadio,” the latter gig demonstrated how well Rogan could work in an ensemble-comedy setting. In recent years, he’s been splitting his time between stand-up, podcasting, and – oddly enough – serving as the UFC’s go-to interviewer, but we think the time could be right for Rogan to return to the sitcom world.

Michael Madsen

Why he’d be a perfect fit: Not to undercut anyone else’s reputation, but given that IMDb would have us believe that Madsen currently has twenty goddamned film projects in various stages of production (along with another two on which he’s merely rumored), with James Brown no longer with us, we have no qualms about declaring him to be The Hardest Working Man in Show Business. Isn’t it about time the guy got a chance to sit back and relax – relatively speaking – with a sitcom gig? He cuts a figure that’s the complete antithesis of Cryer’s character, and although he doesn’t necessarily have a longstanding history in comedy, the man knows his way around a deadpan remark. Plus, you know you want to see him go head-to-head with Holland Taylor and Conchata Ferrell…

Bronson Pinchot

Why he’d be a perfect fit: As recently as six months ago, this would’ve seemed like a completely left-field suggestion (and we’re willing to concede that you may still consider it one), but damned if Pinchot hasn’t turned up on Monday nights on two different occasions this season, first on “Chuck,” then on “Hawaii Five-0.” To our way of thinking, the time couldn’t be more right for him to have a career renaissance. I mean, the dude was kicking some serious comedy ass in the late ’80s, what with stealing scenes from Eddie Murphy in “Beverly Hills Cop” and picking up an Emmy nod for his work as Balki Bartokomous on “Perfect Strangers,” but aside from a nice – if small – role in “True Romance,” the ’90s weren’t over kind to him, and although the ’00s gave him a few nice guest roles, his only regular TV role during the decade involved spending a season on “The Surreal Life.” After an experience like that, surely anyone would have earned a chance to step out of the limelight and into a proper spotlight. Pinchot’s been playing more dramatic roles in recent years, and successfully at that, but we miss seeing him get the chance to be funny. This could be that chance. (Hey, if nothing else, give us some credit for thinking outside the box, huh?)

Andrew McCarthy

Why he’d be a perfect fit: Um…because this photo proves that he can cut down on the show’s outrageous bowling-shirt budget by bringing his own wardrobe to the table?

Oh, okay, we admit it: this is the least serious suggestion we’re bringing to the table, but, seriously, how awesome would it be to see McCarthy and Cryer together again? ‘Cause, like, what if there was an episode where they ended up vying for the same girl’s affections? And then on the same episode, McCarthy’s character had a complete douche of a best friend who came to visit?

Can you smell the pink and pretty concoction that Bullz-Eye’s cooking up…? If so, please make sure that the scent wafts its way over to CBS, because even if they blow the show’s entire guest-star budget for the 2011 – 2012 season to bring in Molly Ringwald and James Spader, I’m telling you, this is Sweeps Week magic just waiting to happen.

Here endeth Bullz-Eye’s list of suggestions for possible Charlie Sheen replacements…but rather than simply throwing a list of names into Chuck Lorre’s lap and saying, “Okay, now you guys go do the heavy lifting,” we’d like to close the proceedings by letting our resident “Two and a Half Men” fan, Ross Ruediger, offer up a few fully-formed (well, mostly, anyway) ideas for how the series can move forward without stepping outside the show’s existing cast of characters…which, come to think of it, is probably what actual devotees would prefer, anyway.

A Modest Proposal

by Ross Ruediger

Given the sheer amount of time that Jon Cryer has put into “Two and a Half Men,” there’s really no question that he’s just as much of a lead as Charlie Sheen is on that show. Sure, Sheen gets the girls and gets to do all the fun shit, but not only has Cryer done his time, he’s actually won an Emmy while doing it.

“Two and a Half Men” gets a lot of shit, and, okay, so it’s not the best show in the world, but it’s still funny, and God knows it’s popular. Still, we’ve all seen that Charlie Sheen has aged quite visibly this season, and it’s probably no coincidence that the character of Charlie Harper has been going downhill, too. I feel like it could really give the show a jolt of energy if Chuck Lorre and the writers just said, “Fuck it, we’re moving on. Charlie’s gone, someone else has got his money…now let’s see what happens.”