Bullz-Eye: So who would’ve thought that you’d be doing press for “Lancelot Link: Secret Chimp” in 2012?

Bernie Kopell: [Laughs.] You never know. Lancelot Link…this is one of those things that happens where it starts with James Bond, then they go to “The Man with UNCLE,“ then the satire of “Get Smart,” where I was very happily playing nasty, contemptuous  Siegfried. And then the writers – Mike Marmer and Stan Burns – and I were sitting around, saying, “Well, what are we going to do now?” And Mike said, “Let’s do it with monkeys!” And they got these brilliant…choreographers, I would call them, to get the chimpanzees to behave as if they were human. And also to move their mouths. Some preferred peanut butter to go up and down with the jaw, some preferred gum, some liked a little piece of banana. And they didn’t mind the costumes. They liked the attention. And so we got them to move their mouths up and down and be the good guys and the bad guys. So it was more fun that you can even imagine.

BE: When it came time to do the voice of Baron von Butcher, did they specifically say, “Can you kind of put a spin on Siegfried?”

BK: Oh, absolutely.

BE: When the cast recorded the voices for the show, did you do them independently or together?

BK: We did it together. First they had the chimpanzees do their choreography and mouth movements and get that from various angles, and then Joan Gerber, Dayton Allen, who worked with Steve Allen years ago, and myself did all the voices. So you have good chimpanzees and bad chimpanzees, and the biggest problem was just not laughing our silly faces off. [Laughs.] Because it was just so much fun to do!

You know, what I’m excited about in particular is that there is a woman by the name of Martine Collette, and she runs Wildlife Waystation, and believe it or not, the chimpanzee that played Lancelot Link is still alive and enjoying his later life, or his retired years, in this facility that she has made for animals. For example, say someone has said, “Hey, here’s a great idea: let’s get a miniature bear!” And just for the safe side, without thinking, they cruelly pull out the bear’s teeth and claws so that the bear doesn’t destroy anything or hurt anybody. Then they realize that they made a mistake and it’s way too much trouble, and they give the bear up. This happens with all kinds of animals. And Martine being the saintly person that she is, she accepts these animals, and her organization, Wildlife Waystation, gets no support from anybody. It’s all volunteers and donations. And here’s the good news: 10% of the profits of “Lancelot Link: Secret Chimp”  – which is now out on DVD, re-mastered, through Film Chest – go to Martine Collette and her terrific work with the animals that nobody cares about anymore. I’m very excited about that. I’ve known her for…oh, years and years and years. She’s been doing this for 36 years, and she’s just an amazing human being. She’s the Mother Teresa of animals.

BE: I wanted to ask you about a few other things you’ve done in your career. Of course, you just mentioned Siegfried. How did you find your way into the cast of “Get Smart”?

BK: Well, there’s a marvelous man, and I spoke at his memorial, but Leonard Stern came to see me at a little play I was doing, exercising my abilities with accents by playing a Russian immigrant who was going through Buffalo in a freezing winter selling the misnamed Fruit Fluters. It’s a thing that you sort of screw into a potato, and it comes out in rhythm. It was just a very lovely, heartwarming story, particularly exciting for immigrants. So many people have come to our country from other countries, or are sons or daughters of people who’ve done that. Leonard Stern was part of the triumvirate of talented associates that also included David Susskind and Dan Melnick, and he comes back, a very distinguished looking fellow, and he smiles and says, “We’re gonna work together.” And I thought this was just some Hollywood B.S., which you hear a lot of when you come out here. [Laughs.] But son of a gun, don’t you know it, within three years he had created my Siegfried character. I may have been 24 at the time, but I had more fun than anything just coming in and getting made up with a Heidelberg dueling scar and a mustache covering my youthful puss, and…it was just great fun.

Don Adams – “Missed it by that much!” – was as welcoming as you would hope a star of a show to be. And Barbara Feldon…I still see Barbara. I was doing a play in New York about a year and a half ago, and Barbara and I go out and we reminisce. She’s a brilliant, brilliant woman. She played Agent 99, and she invested well, and…she’s totally unique among actresses. I said, “Wouldn’t you like to do another series?” And she said, “Oh, no, you’d have to sit around so much.” I said, “Yeah, but, sweetheart, you’re getting paid!” [Laughs.] And she said, “Oh, I know you’re getting paid. But I like New York, I like to do my poems, I like to have little miniature concerts in my home…” She’s a completely independent human being…which you will not find at all among actresses out here. Because if you say, “Would you like,” before you can even finish getting the words out, they’re saying, “Yes! Yes, I’ll do it!” [Laughs.]

It was heaven, though. And at the same time, I was doing the Marlo Thomas show (“That Girl”). Sometimes I’d do both of them in the same week. It was my schizophrenic period. [Laughs.] But “Get Smart” remains in my mind as being just a happy, happy, happy experience. And Mel Brooks. Can you imagine working with Mel Brooks? He’d just come back from Italy with his wife, and I just asked him, “Mel, what was the greatest architectural achievement you saw in Italy?” And without missing a beat, he said, “Carlo Ponti’s elevator shoes that permit him to kiss Sophia Loren on the lips.” [Laughs.] And Mel Brooks, in his mid-80s, is having the greatest success of his life, with “The Producers” and “Young Frankenstein.” The guy just has no quit in him. No quit. Sadly, Mel and Carl Reiner, who did “The 2,000 Year Old Man,” have both lost their wives, and they get together every night and have a meal, and they look at television, and…they probably fall asleep while they’re watching television. [Laughs.]

BE: I was able to talk to Mel when he did the HBO special with Dick Cavett, and it was just so amazing how he was so full of boundless enthusiasm the entire time we talked. I was just thinking, “I can’t believe this guy is in his 80s!”

BK: He’s full of beans, that one. [Laughs.] You know, now I’m lucky enough to have two wonderful kids – I’m going to be 79 on June 21^st, but I’ve got a 14-year-old kid and a nine-year-old kid – but at the time I was doing “Get Smart,” I had no children, and Mel was just asking everybody, “Ya got any kids?” I said, “No, sadly, I don’t.” He said, “Read the manual! Read the manual!” [Laughs.] So I read the manual. And now I’ve got two kids. It really worked to read that manual…

BE: Just as a sidebar, a friend of mine actually has a daughter who’s in the theater program with your oldest.

BK: Oh, really? Right here in California…?

BE: Yeah, they’re doing…I think it’s “Guys and Dolls”?

BK: [Astonished.] Exactly! Wow, all the way across the country and you know about that! Yeah, it’s “Guys and Dolls,” and…I think they begin on Thursday, and they’re learning how to talk like tough gamblers. Which is kind of a chore for a 14-year-old kid. [Laughs.] Imitating Jimmy Cagney and Edward G. Robinson and all of that. But it’s fun, and, you know, if they make a career out of it, fine, if not, they still get out in front of people and lose their terror, which I remember having in spades when I first started. I got onstage, and I said, “I don’t know if I’ll be able to breathe, let alone speak!” And eventually, if you keep at it, the terror diminishes, you get out there, and you do your thing.

BE: Looking through your IMDb listing, I was curious what you recall from working on “The Jack Benny Show.”

BK: Oh, Jack Benny was just…so many stars have an ego, and they have a feeling of “I get the attention around here, not you.” Jack Benny had no star ego, and he had the wisdom to know that whoever gets the laugh, they’re on your show, and it benefits the show. It makes the show better. And in the case of comedy, it makes it funnier. So he was just so sweet to me. I was very nervous. I’d gone over my part thousands of times, and at one point he said, “How come you know your part so well, you son of a bitch?” [Laughs.] So I said, “Well, Mr. Benny, I didn’t want to mess up working with you.” And he just waved that away, as though that was an unnecessary compliment, and he gave me this piece of advice: “Don’t talk ‘til they finish laughing.”

BE: Well, I know you’ve got to go, but I just wanted to ask a quick “Love Boat” question. Who were some of your favorite guest stars that you worked with?

BK: Oh, my goodness. Well, right off the bat, I think of Juliet Prowse, with the most gorgeous legs and body that anybody ever dreamt of. We had scenes in bed together. [Laughs.] And I know that she had gone with Sinatra, and I was thinking, “I…I just don’t know if I’ll be able to speak…I hope my hairpiece doesn’t fall off…I’m just so nervous.” So just before this scene, maybe to loosen me up, she said, “You know, Charles Boyer had a scene like this, with a lovely leading lady in bed, and just before the scene, he said, ‘You know, sweetheart, if possibly I get – how do you say – aroused during the scene, forgive me, please.’ And then he said, ‘If possibly I don’t get aroused, forgive me please.” [Laughs.] So a little sense of humor lightened the moment and we went through with the scene, and I lived through it, and I still have a great internalized crush on Juliet Prowse. Who we lost a few years ago to pancreatic cancer. Damn, damn, damn. That’s just…one of these things that we have to pray that we or the people we love don’t get. But we celebrate her life, and we go on.

Plus, let’s not forget that Lancelot Link is still alive! [Laughs.] He’s still alive, and he’s thriving in the Wildlife Waystation. So get that series. It benefits Martine Collette’s endeavor, and it’s just very, very fun. Lancelot Link: Secret Chimp. Your kids will laugh themselves silly, and you will, too. There, I think I got my message across, didn’t I? [Laughs.]

Robin Tunney (Ep. 1.1, “Pilot”)
Character: a kindergarten teacher who becomes dysphasic and starts having seizures. Turns out she’s invested with tapeworms.

Sam Trammell (Ep. 1.4, “Maternity”)
Character: the father of a baby girl that’s not even out of the maternity ward and already on death’s door from a virus.

Elizabeth Mitchell (Ep. 1.5, “Damned If you Don’t”)
Character: a nun who looks like she’s suffering from stigmata but is later discovered to be suffering an allergic reaction to a copper cross IUD left over from her, uh, wilder days.

Dominic Purcell (Ep. 1.6, “Fidelity”)
Character: a husband whose wife – the Patient of the Week – turns out to have been unfaithful.

Amanda Seyfried (Ep. 1.11, “Detox”)
Character: girlfriend to the Patient of the Week.

Scott Foley (Ep. 1.12, “Sports Medicine”)
Character: a baseball player suffering cadmium poisoning from all the pot he’s been smoking.

Joe Morton (Ep. 1.17, “Role Model”)
Character: a senator suffering the after-effects of an epilepsy treatment from childhood

John Cho (Ep. 1.20, “Love Hurts”)
Character: a guy who, after spilling apple juice on House’s clothes, ends up being diagnosed by him as having had a stroke. Upon further investigation, it’s determined that he has a trauma-induced aneurysm as a result of a preference for sadomasochism.

Carmen Electra (Ep. 1.21, “Three Stories”)
Character: While begrudgingly lecturing a classroom of medical students about a past patient who is depicted as looking like Carmen Electra playing miniature golf. In reality, the patient was actually a male golfer…and he played regular golf, by the way. (Who knew miniature golf could be so sexy?)

LL Cool J (Ep.2.1, “Acceptance”)
Character: a death-row inmate suffering from pheochromocytoma.

Ron Livingston (Ep. 2.4, “TB or Not TB”)
Character: a famous doctor who thinks he has tuberculosis. He doesn’t. It’s actually a tumor and a pancreas problem.

Taraji P. Henson (Ep. 2.6, “Spin”)
Character: the publicist for a famous bicyclist.

Cynthia Nixon (Ep. 2.9, “Deception”)
Character: an anemic woman who turns out to suffer from Münchausen’s syndrome.

Elle Fanning (Ep. 2.11, “Need to Know”)
Character: a little girl whose mom is swiping her Ritalin.

Howard Hesseman (Ep. 2.14, “Sex Kills”)
Character: a man who, in addition to suffering from a brain infection, is also sleeping with his ex-wife, who’s estranged from their daughter. It’s a family affair!

Michelle Trachtenberg (Ep. 2.16, “Safe”)
Character: a teenage girl who, in addition to having survived a car accident only by having a heart transplant, ends up suffering from an acute case of Tick in the Vagina. I only wish I was joking.

Jayma Mays (Ep. 2.18, “Sleeping Dogs Lie”)
Character: a poor, sweet girl who’s contracted bubonic plague through the fleas of her dog.

Thomas Dekker (Ep. 2.19, “House vs. God”)
Character: a faith healer who, rather embarrassingly, turns out to be suffering from a nasty case of herpes.

William Katt (Ep. 2.19, “House vs. God”)
Character: the father of the aforementioned faith healer.

D.B. Sweeney (Ep. 2.23, “Who’s Your Daddy?”)
Character: an old buddy of House’s who finds himself in the midst of a Katrina-related paternity situation.

Elias Koteas (Ep. 2.24, “No Reason”)
Character: a former patient of House’s who’s so disgruntled that he storms into the hospital and promptly shoots House twice. Which, really, isn’t all that surprising.

Kathleen Quinlan (Ep. 3.1, “Meaning”)
Character: the wife of a brain cancer surgery patient who’s paralyzed and in a wheelchair.

Sheryl Lee (Ep. 3.2, “Cane and Able”)
Character: the mother of a seven-year-old boy suffering from rectal bleeding and claims of being tortured by aliens.

Joel Grey (Ep. 3.3, “Informed Consent”)
Character: a noted cancer doctor who, as a result of suffering from the disease himself, begs House for euthanasia.

John Larroquette (Ep. 3.7, “Son of Coma Guy”)
Character: a gentleman in a vegetative state who, thanks to a cocktail of L-Dopa and amphetamines, is awakened long enough to reconnect with his son.

Patrick Fugit (Ep. 3.8, “Whac-A-Mole”)
Character: an 18-year-old who has a heart attack because, as it turns out, he needs a bone marrow transplant.

Meagan Good (Ep. 3.11, “Words and Deeds”)
Character: a firefighter who stands beside one of her medically-challenged coworkers

Dave Matthews (Ep. 3.15, “Half-Wit”)
Character: a pianist deals with a neurological condition which may impair his ability to play.

Kurtwood Smith (Ep. 3.15, “Half-Wit”)
Character: the father of the aforementioned pianist.

Marc Blucas (Ep. 3.16, “Top Secret”)
Character: a veteran who claims to have a nasty case of Gulf War Syndrome but is actually stuck with hereditary hemorrhagic telangiectasia instead.

Bailee Madison (Ep. 3.19, “Act Your Age”)
Character: a six-year-old who’s been affected by their father’s sexual-enhancement cream and, as a result, is going through puberty early.

Lyndsy Fonseca (Ep. 3.22, “Resignation”)
Character: a 19-year-old martial artist drinks drain cleaner and then pretends she hasn’t.

Piper Perabo (Ep. 3.22, “Resignation”)
Character: a vegan and nutritionist who thinks House is interested in her for a job and then gets upset when she realizes it’s more about her, uh, other assets.

Frank Whaley (Ep. 4.5, “Mirror, Mirror”)
Character: a mystery man who comes into the hospital and claims to have numerous symptoms while also suffering from some real ones.

Jeremy Renner (Ep. 4.9, “Games”)
Character: a grunge rocker whose addition to heroin is the least of his problems.

Mira Sorvino (Ep. 4.11, “Frozen”)
Character: a researcher in Antarctica who has to be diagnosed by House via webcam.

Felicia Day (Ep. 5.2, “Not Cancer”)
Character: a teacher who had a corneal transplant and is now dealing with a major brain problem.

Breckin Meyer (Ep. 5.3, “Adverse Events”)
Character: an artist who suffers from a gastrointestinal mass after taking an experimental antacid.

Sherilyn Fenn (Ep. 5.11, “Joy to the World”)
Character: the mother of a teenage girl suffering from both pregnancy and terminal cancer.

Judy Greer (Ep. 5.18, “Here Kitty”)
Character: a woman convinced that she’s going to die because a cat with a disconcerting tendency to sleep next to people on the last night of their lives slept next to her.

Mos Def (Ep. 5.19, “Locked In”)
Character: a guy who gets into a bicycle accident and gets locked-in syndrome for this trouble, meaning that he can think and is fully aware but can’t move or tell anyone of his awareness.

Meat Loaf (Ep. 5.20, “Simple Explanation”)
Character: a terminal patient who, like his life’s not bad enough already, has to endure watching his wife start to succumb to a resperatory ailment.

Carl Reiner (Ep. 5.24, “Both Sides Now”)
Character: an elderly man who claims to have a “squawking ” problem – his term for acid reflux, apparently – but actually has pancreatic cancer.

Curtis Armstrong (Ep. 6.1, “Broken”)
Character: One of House’s fellow patients at Mayfield Psychiatric Hospital.

James Earl Jones (Ep. 6.3, “The Tyrant”)
Character: a dying African dictator who nobody wants to save because he’s pro-ethnic-cleansing. Can you blame them, though? I mean, really…

Joshua Malina (Ep. 6.9, “Wilson”)
Character: a former patient of Wilson’s who asks him for part of his liver and, after getting it, proceeds to prove himself to be as much of a user as House is.

Ethan Embry (Ep. 6.10, “The Down Low”)
Character: a drug dealer suffering from the repeated aneurysms brought on by Hughes-Stovin Syndrome.

Orlando Jones (Ep. 6.12, “Moving the Chains”)
Character: Foreman’s brother. They’re not real close.

Laura Prepon (Ep. 6.14, “Private Lives”)
Character: A workaholic blogger with a case of Whipple’s Disease. It’s a gastrointestinal disorder. Any more detail would just freak us both out.

Sarah Wayne Callies (Ep. 6.18, “Open and Shut”)
Character: a woman whose open marriage makes it decidedly difficult to determine her ailment.

Jennifer Grey (Ep. 7.5, “Unplanned Parenthood”)
Character: a woman who gives birth to a baby with breathing problems, only to find out that she has melanoma and has passed it on to her child.

Amy Irving (Ep. 7.3, “Unwritten”)
Character: the author of a popular series of children’s books who has a seizure in the middle of trying to commit suicide.

Jack Coleman (Ep. 7.6, “Office Politics”)
Character: a senator’s campaign manager who has kidney failure. Oh, also, he probably had sex with the senator.

Matthew Lillard (Ep. 7.9, “Larger Than Life”)
Character: a musician who learns that parents aren’t fucking around when they tell you that chicken pox can be a major hassle when contracted by adults.

Donal Logue (Ep. 7.20, “Changes”)
Character: a lottery winner whose paralysis and cancer may or may not be the result of his new millionaire lifestyle.

David Costabile (Ep. 7.20, “Changes”)
Character: the lottery winner’s shady cousin.

Michael Pare (Ep. 8.1, “Twenty Vicodin”)
Character: The warden of the prison House gets thrown in after driving his car into Cuddy’s house.

Wentworth Miller (Ep. 8.3, “Charity Case”)
Character: a philanthropist who, in the midst of his own medical issues, offers to donate a kidney to a patient.

Michael Nouri (Ep. 8.4, “Risky Business”)
Character: a businessman whose constant trips to China may be the cause of his medical woes.

Billy Connolly (Ep. 8.14, “Love is Blind”)
Character: the man who would be House’s next stepfather. (In other words, the guy’s sleeping with House’s mom.)

Peter Weller (Ep. 8.20, “Post Mortem”)
Character: another physician at the hospital, one who looks suspiciously like the man who directed this episode.

James LeGros (Ep. 8.22, “Everybody Dies”)
Character: a drug addict who causes House to reflect on his life.

Chi McBride (Season 1)
Character: a billionaire pharmaceutical company owner who donates US$100 million to the hospital in return for becoming chairman of the board. He doesn’t like House. At all. Which is why he leaves quickly.

Sela Ward (Seasons 1 & 2)
Character: House’s ex-girlfriend, who turns up because she wants him to treat her husband, who’s suffering from acute intermittent porphyria. House thinks he’s going to get back together with his ex. He’s wrong.

Charles S. Dutton (Seasons 2 & 3)
Character: Foreman’s rather religious father.

R. Lee Ermey (Seasons 2 & 5)
Character: House’s father. Except it later turns out that he wasn’t actually House’s father after all. But that doesn’t stop him from grieving when he dies.

Diane Baker ( Seasons 2, 5 & 8 )
Character: House’s mother. Things get weird when she finds someone new in the wake of her husband’s death.

David Morse (Season 3)
Character: a clinic patient of House’s who gets pissed off at the way House treats him, and because he’s a detective, he proceeds to make House’s life a living hell for several episodes.

Leighton Meester (Season 3)
Character: House’s stalker. Actually, she only stalked him for two episodes, but it still technically counts.

Kadeem Hardison (Season 3)
Character: House’s attorney while he’s being taunted by David Morse’s character

Fred Durst (Season 4)
Character: the bartender who took House’s keys and forced him to ride the bus home, which subsequently wrecked and killed Amber (Anne Dudek), Wilson’s girlfriend.

Lori Petty (Season 5)
Character: a patient involved in the Huntington’s disease drug trials with Thirteen.

Andre Braugher (Season 6)
Character: House’s therapist when he’s doin’ time at the Mayfield Psychiatric Hospital. The two end up bonding somewhat after House’s release.

Cynthia Watros (Seasons 6 & 7)
Character: Wilson’s first wife. They start dating again. It doesn’t work out. Again.

Candice Bergen (Season 7)
Character: Cuddy’s mother

Paula Marshall (Season 7)
Character: Cuddy’s sister.