This is by nature a fun column, designed to get people pumped up for whatever weekend festivities they may have planned. Sometimes, though, something comes up that is just begging for some kind of commentary. This is one of those times.
This weekend (starting yesterday, actually), deep in the heart of southern Illinois, the twelfth (!) annual Gathering of the Juggalos is taking place. Now, we’ve seen the word ‘Juggalo’ pop up here and there in the news cycle – usually near the word ‘Gallagher’ – but we were quick to dismiss it because Juggalos are fans of the Detroit hip-hop group Insane Clown Posse, who hit their commercial peak in the late ’90s and were perhaps best known for a feud with fellow Motowner Eminem. Are there really enough of these Juggalos to merit their own festival?
One of our friends set us straight. He said, “You have to see this video. Wow. Just…wow.” The song: “Miracles,” by Insane Clown Posse, currently sporting just under 7.8 million hits on YouTube.
Now, the back story to this song is that the two guys in the band (we will not bother mentioning them by name, because it just doesn’t matter) liked the wide-eyed wonder with which they viewed the world as kids, and resented finding out that there is a logical, scientific explanation for everything. Fine, we’ll buy that, but they weren’t content to write a song about these small wonders of the world that says, “Look at this stuff. Isn’t it cool?” No, instead they turned it into an anti-intellectual battle cry. We won’t break the song down line by line, but here are some of our favorite lines:
“Water, fire, air and dirt / Fucking magnets, how do they work?” “I fed a fish to a pelican at Frisco Bay / He tried to eat my cell phone, he ran away” “Fucking rainbows after it rains…” “Magic everywhere in this bitch…” “And I don’t want to talk to a scientist / Y’all motherfuckers lying, and getting me pissed”
So, to summarize, pelicans eating your cell phone is a miracle, as are fucking magnets and fucking rainbows. Scientists, however, are filthy, filthy liars. Got it. Enjoy your life of aggressive ignorance, guys.
So, back to “SNL.” They’ve been running fake ads for Under Underground Records for two years now, and until we saw the three minute-trailer for this year’s Juggalos gathering, we didn’t get the joke. Then at once, it all came together. Bad voiceovers, blond girl with pigtails, ridiculous graphics, check, check, checkmate. They even lampooned “Miracles,” which, to be fair, wasn’t terribly difficult. What the fuck is a clock?
Ass Dan, you will be missed. But not for the reasons you might think.
The lineup of bands playing this year’s event is frankly shocking. It’s mostly old school hip hop guys and other assorted clowns (namely, Charlie Sheen and Flavor Flav), but they also got George Clinton and Ice Cube, who I’m sure got an earful from his agent before signing on. “I’m going to have a hard time spinning this to Disney, Ice.” The one that stood out to us, though, was Lil Jon, since we never miss an opportunity to share this hilariously obscene mash-up of Lil Jon with the Icelandic kids show “LazyTown.” You’ll never look at cake the same way again. Booooo, muthafucka!
We’re sure Seth Myers will do a good job again this year hosting the ESPYs (which will be starting any minute), but the best opening monologue at the ESPYs will always belong to Norm MacDonald. The athletes in the audience had no idea how to react to some of Norm’s harsh jokes about other athletes. Make sure to watch the whole thing, as the crack at the end is priceless.
Our own Jessica Hall is featured as the Lollipop Girl in this funny video from the gang at Funny or Die. Check it out as Will Ferrell’s little brother sings to our Featured Model from 2007.
As we bid Michael Scott a fond farewell as he walks away from Dunder Mifflin, we realized that there are few bosses who have made much of an impact in the world of entertainment. Most of them are just a device to motivate the main character, but there are a few who stand out, for reasons both good (they have your back) and bad (they might kill you). Others still are just odd, or can be both a spectacular boss and the most irritating prick on the planet. Here is a list of our favorite bosses of all stripes. As always, feel free to leave your polite, well considered opinions in the comment section.
The Good
Jimmy James (Stephen Root, “NewsRadio”)
He likes to think of himself as a capitalist lion tamer, but books don’t lie: dude is a macho business donkey wrestler, and don’t you forget it. James plays the kinds of big business games that we proles often fantasize about, where billionaires play poker and use their corporations as chips (he lost WNYX in a game, but faithful reporter and math wiz Lisa Miller won it back). He also treats his efforts to find a wife with the same no-nonsense business acumen that he would use to broker any deal. (He came close to making the deal once, but the location of the vacation house turned out to be a deal breaker.) The bottom line is that while Jimmy James micromanages the talent at his radio station, he is not a hatchet man by nature, and pretty much lets the lunatics run the asylum. Works for us.
Captain Jack Harkness (John Barrowman, “Torchwood”)
He can’t be killed. Think about that – whatever happens at work, your boss will not die. Isn’t that the kind of person you want to be close to? Granted, most of the people who work with Captain Jack Harkness end up dead, and once you agree to work for Torchwood, the Cardiff-based secret organization that prevents alien attacks, you are not allowed to quit. Plus, Jack is not afraid to make the tough decision, even if it means sacrificing his grandson in order to save the children of Earth. But no high-reward job comes without its share of risk, and if you’re going to risk your life fighting aliens on a daily basis, you want Jack Harkness in your corner.
Jack Donaghy (Alec Baldwin, “30 Rock”)
Jack Donaghy is, for lack of a need for any other definition, a man. He is the man we all aspire to be, even the hipster kids among us. He is tireless, unflappable, and totally at the top of his game. Before meeting his wife, he was chasing tail with Bob Ballard and drinking wine from ancient Phoenician amphoras. He consumes scotch like water. Jack Donaghy named his fists Saint Patrick and Saint Michael, a fact we know only because those fists were used to fight his own father. He eschews the familiar and espouses the opulent. Most of all, he somehow finds it in his arrogant heart to mentor one of the strangest bosses around: Liz Lemon.
Angel (David Boreanaz, “Angel”)
If there is anyone on this list that we want by our side in an alley fight, it’s Angel, a.k.a. Angelus, the most vicious vampire who ever un-lived. Cursed with a soul after murdering a young gypsy girl, Angel has learned to quench his thirst for blood in more humanitarian ways, while spending the rest of his undead days trying to destroy the Senior Partners of Wolfram & Hart, which is basically Satan’s law firm. Like Harkness, working for Angel is by no means a safe career path – as Cordelia Chase and Winnifred “Fred” Burkle could attest, if they weren’t dead – but Angel stands up for the weak, takes on the big guy, and will stop at nothing to make sure that justice is served. Nice to know there are still a few bosses out there that have your back.
The Bad
The list of candidates for this category is an admittedly long one, so for the sake of simplicity, we’re paring our list down to four most foul supervisors.
Charles Montgomery Burns (Harry Shearer, “The Simpsons”)
His nuclear plant needs hundreds of millions in repairs in order to bring it up to code. (And that was in the early, ’90s, so adjusted for inflation, it could be billions now.) He gave his employees stock, but only after they waived certain constitutional rights. He once embarked on a massive recycling program, but only to fuel a company that uses the six pack rings to strip the oceans of all sea life. He sold weapons to Hitler. Lastly, he tried to block out the sun so people would use more power from his plant. No one has ever really had a boss who wringed his hands, or had an entire walk-in closet of clothes made from exotic animals, but Montgomery Burns represents everything we loathe about bosses in the real world, whether it’s a lack of compassion for non-work commitments or the tendency to throw employees under the bus for personal gain. He might be a caricature of evil, but he’s still evil.
Bill Lumbergh (Gary Cole, “Office Space”)
Lumbergh, meanwhile, is terrifying because he is one of the most realistic bosses the entertainment world has ever seen. Promoted beyond his skill set — assuming he even has a skill set — Lumbergh knows he has a good thing, and he’ll be damned if he’s going to lose his cushy job to any of the peons beneath him, so he micromanages the bejeezus out of them, makes them work on weekends, and will even steal their cubicle walls if it helps drop employee morale. Monty Burns is playing at the Oprah level of power; there are only a handful of people with that kind of influence. But Lumbergh…the corporate world is littered with guys like him. God help us.
David Brent (Ricky Gervais, “The Office”)
We had to include the man who started it all. Look at that picture. That is why David Brent is a terrible person to work for – he’s a man-child, desperate for attention and woefully lacking self-awareness. He makes jokes about firing people, and will use training sessions as an opportunity to play songs on the guitar for his captive employees. He takes a position with corporate that leads to his employees getting sacked, and wonders why they’re not happy for him. His jokes are in poor taste, he’s a lousy motivator, and in his desire to be everyone’s friend, he is oblivious to their problems and doesn’t help anyone in a meaningful way. David Brent is the kind of guy that no one chooses to work for – he’s thrust upon people. Sad, sad, unlucky people.
Patty Hewes (Glenn Close, “Damages”)
Working for Patty Hewes is much like working for the Dread Pirate Roberts: even when you do good work, she’ll most likely kill you in the morning. None of her actions can be taken at face value; more than likely, she’s four or five steps ahead of everyone else, and is not afraid to step color outside the lines (while making sure her tracks are well covered) if it means winning a case. When a potential witness was reluctant to testify against her former employer, Patty had her dog killed, and made it look like the defendant was responsible. When a doctor prescribed bed rest for a young and very pregnant Patty, she walked herself into a miscarriage so she could take her first job. To call her heartless is an insult to the heartless – Patty Hewes is a functional sociopath, and working for her will haunt you for the rest of your life.
The Strange
Michael Scott (Steve Carell, “The Office”)
Like some of his fellow head honchos on this list, Michael Scott is a tough boss to categorize. On the one hand, he genuinely cares about his employees (well, everyone except Toby…and probably Dwight), but his atrocious people skills and, um, unorthodox management style often make him a colossal headache in the Dunder Mifflin offices. Forget about getting any work done if he’s hovering around your desk, particularly when he calls for an impromptu meeting in the conference room, and his repeated appearances at sensitivity training seminars clearly haven’t paid off, to which Oscar can attest. But Michael is kind, loyal and honest (generally speaking, of course), and while productivity tends to dip when he has time on his hand – which is quite frequently – he’s gone out of his way to make his employees feel like they’re part of a family with his endless stream of office parties, company retreats and charitable functions. Sure, he’s not the best boss by bottom-line standards, but you can bet Dunder Mifflin’s Scranton branch will miss their clueless leader once he rides off into the sunset with Holly Flax. Probably even Toby.
Gregory House (Hugh Laurie, “House M.D.”)
He will risk his own life to save the life of a patient. He will also take a knitting needle to the eye before complimenting one of his fellow doctors. Dr. Gregory House is a brilliant doctor but a pretty awful human being, so while you will get the education of a lifetime under his tutelage, the emotional scars from the experience may never heal.
Tony Soprano (James Gandolfini, “The Sopranos”)
Considering that he killed his nephew with his own hands, executed his best friend and clipped other members of his crew, you would think Tony would be a natural fit for the bad boss category. As Michael Imperioli pointed out in a recent interview with Will Harris on Bullz-Eye, Tony was a “cold-blooded criminal who, in the end, will kill his kin because, basically, he wants to keep his wagon train rolling and his money coming in.” Yet when you choose a life in the mob, aren’t these events just occupational hazards? If you think about who got whacked and who survived in Tony’s crew, there was a method to his brutality. Rats like Pussy, jerks like Ralph and flakes like Christopher had to face the music, while loyal subordinates like Silvio survived and thrived under Tony. Yet while much of the series focused on Tony as an ordinary guy in a violent business, he certainly had his quirks as well. His fainting spells and bizarre dreams led him to see a shrink, and it certainly made him an unpredictable boss as well. Anyone haunted by the images of ducks seems pretty strange to us.
Liz Lemon (Tina Fey, “30 Rock”)
Is it strange to call a woman whose name was once mistranslated as “Lesbian Yellow Sour Fruit” sexy? Absolutely, but despite her strange quirks, Liz Lemon somehow retains her sex appeal. Maybe it’s knowing that she would never judge you for the food you eat. Maybe it’s every man’s desire to meet a girl who is funny, smart, and attractive. Or maybe everyone just wants to be in bed with James Franco, even if the transitive property has to be employed to make it count. Whatever the case, work would be that much easier if every day meant reporting to a spunky middle-age brunette with the confidence to sing, “I’m a star, I’m on top, somebody bring me some ham!”
J. Jonah Jameson (J.K. Simmons, “Spider-Man”)
Bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark! That’s J. Jonah Jameson in a nutshell, but what an amusing bark it is. Jameson and Montgomery Burns are the only characters who can wring the funny out of the words, “You’re fired.”
And, of course, we would be remiss if we didn’t include this clip, the “SNL” digital short of “Like a Boss,” from the Lonely Island’s Incredibad. Fifth of vodka…
Ah, St. Patrick’s Day, where everyone is Irish for a day. March seems to be full of days like that, since Fat Tuesday is the day where everyone is Catholic for a day.
Since we know many of you will be getting a full-fledged drink on this St. Paddy’s Day, especially since it is also the first day of the NCAA tournament, we have provided a small list of songs about drinking, the effects of drinking, and the vow that many of you will make the following morning. Think of it as the bender that you never took; we love booze as much as the next guys, but sometimes those things are better lived vicariously.
“It’s Time to Party,” Andrew W.K.
With a whopping three songs about partying on his debut album, Andrew W.K. will forever remain our master of ceremonies when it comes to partying. Until we saw the grammar-challenged lyric video, though, we didn’t know this song made a reference to a money shot. Yikes.
“Have a Drink on Me,” AC/DC
The night is young. Everyone is flush with cash and feeling generous. Try and remember this moment when 1:30 rolls around and you’re buying Natural Light pounders. For now, though, you’re living on the top shelf.
It’s late, and I didn’t win the pool in our annual Oscar party (this year’s winner: Kristin Dreyer Kramer of Nights and Weekends), so I’m understandably sore, and perhaps a bit drunk. Kidding about that last part (a better word would be tipsy), but yes, I am sore that I voted against my heart in every category and proved to be wrong on most of them. There will be a full recap tomorrow, but here are the big takeaways from the evening’s events.
There is nothing that Anne Hathaway can’t do
She can act, she can sing, she can do more accents than Meryl Streep, and she’s fucking gorgeous. We knew all of this already, of course, but seeing her do the Bahston accent in the opening sequence to the Oscars, plus seeing her pretend to be Russian and Texan in “Valentine’s Day” (to be honest, I can’t remember if she did a Russian voice; I tried to forget that movie as quickly as I could), proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is the official girl of our dreams.
You can’t shake Aaron Sorkin off with ‘wrap it up’ music
Dude just kept talking a good 45 seconds to a minute after the strings kicked in. Better yet, he didn’t even acknowledge them. Why dignify it? Awesome.
Maybe everything is better with Auto Tune
That musical sequence was the best joke of the evening, by a country mile. And in case any of you were wondering where they got the idea…
Melissa Leo is the Guns ‘n Roses of actresses
I was rooting for her to win – I guess my belief that she was an underdog was just that – but I have to say that I was hoping that she would give a better acceptance speech than that. She looked like a wide-eyed teenager. I bet Anna Paquin gave a more composed acceptance speech than that.
Funniest one-liner while watching the show
Jason Zingale, upon seeing Oprah Winfrey: “You get an Oscar, and you get an Oscar! And you get an Oscar!” We were laughing so hard that we didn’t have the heart to tell him that Oprah could have him killed for saying that.
If you play in a dead pool, you should probably have Kirk Douglas on your 2011 list
I don’t endorse dead pools, because that’s just a ghoulish thing to do, but damn, man, Kirk is in a bad way. Just sayin’.
More commentary tomorrow, but until then, let us just say: what the hell was up with Cate Blanchett’s dress? Did she lose a bet?
So you’re stuck spending some “quality time” with the family around the holidays, when you’d rather be at the bar around the corner with your friends, or even in jail, as long as no one from your family is in jail with you. Someone wants to watch a Christmas movie. Everybody starts chirping like newborn chicks. You reach for the knitting needles, praying that they’ll hit something vital in your skull before you’ve experienced any pain.
Put the needles down, friend. There are other options that are more enjoyable and less permanent than death’s sweet, sweet kiss. Here are five movies that get us through the holidays with murderous impulses held firmly in check. Merry Christmas, everyone. Pass the bourbon.
Die Hard
Admit it: you secretly fantasize about a gang of white-collar criminals hijacking your holiday party and killing the fast-talking weasel in sales who won’t shut the hell up. You’ve read the praise about “Die Hard” serving as the blueprint for every action movie made since – and it’s true, as the most popular studio sales pitch between 1989 and 1997 was “Die Hard on a ____” – but it is grossly overlooked as a holiday classic, and that is just wrong. It’s funnier than “Home Alone,” more heartwarming than “The Santa Clause,” and it has what all Christmas movies lack but some real-life families have: a body count. Bruce Willis has rarely been better, and Alan Rickman completely rewrote the rules on action movie villains. If you feel like going for camp value, watch the sequel, “Die Harder,” with the TV dub track. Yippie-ki-yay, Mister Falcon.
The Ref
The definitive dysfunctional family (which is really just a polite way of saying normal family these days) holiday movie. A cat burglar (Denis Leary) trying to lie low reluctantly kidnaps a couple (Kevin Spacey and Judy Davis) on the verge of divorce, just before the in-laws come over for Christmas dinner. Armed to the teeth with a before-they-were-stars cast (it also includes Christine Baranski, J.K. Simmons, and the great Raymond Barry) and directed by the gone-too-soon Ted Demme, “The Ref” is caustically funny, and one of the more quotable movies you’ll ever see. (The marriage counseling scene alone has a good dozen zingers.) Why did this movie fare so poorly at the box office? We’re guessing the release date may have played a part in it. Yep, they released it in March, just when the snow is thawing for good. Well played, Touchstone.
Better Off Dead
Up there with “Heathers” in the teenage suicide canon, “Better Off Dead” is one of the most diverse teen comedies of its time, combining clueless parents (love the scene where Kim Darby nearly kills John Cusack while vacuuming), animation, claymation, ski racing, exploding neighbors, the awkward first date, and a Japanese Howard Cosell impressionist. And it all takes place at Christmas, setting up the painful call when Cusack calls his ex-girlfriend Beth and learns that her new boyfriend bought her “a giant stuffed teddy bear, bigger than you.” Yes, Beth was a hottie, which explains why everyone from the mailman to Barney Rubble wanted to date her, but as longtime fans of “The Last American Virgin,” Cusack did well to bag the lovely Diane Franklin as a so-called consolation prize. Just make sure and pay that paper boy on time.
Go
Drug deals gone wrong. Actors forced into being informants. Cops selling Amway. (“It’s Confederate Products, it’s completely different.”) Threesomes. Vegas hotel rooms on fire. Strip clubs. A hit and run. Monologues about “Family Circus.” And tantra, baby! Whatever crazy things you’ve done in your life, chances are you’ve never had a night like the characters in “Go,” and if you did, it sure as hell didn’t happen on Christmas Eve. Even funnier, the characters don’t even think about the day’s events in terms of being something out of this world. Indeed, a few of them – including the one who just pawned over-the-counter drugs as ecstasy in a club in order to pay her rent – immediately starts planning ahead, wondering what they will do for New Year’s Eve. Whatever it is, it won’t be as wild as what takes place here. Doug Liman has gone on to make some big, successful movies, but this one remains his best, as far as we’re concerned. It has a hell of a soundtrack, too.
Night Shift
Hookers and Christmas, together at last. Hey, what better way to come up with a little extra scratch around the holidays than to serve as the pimp for the girl down the hall? (We readily admit, though, that the idea of Shelley Long as a prostitute is even funnier now than it was then.) The movie may have served as a springboard for director Ron Howard and Michael Keaton (not to mention a comeback vehicle for Henry Winkler), but take a closer look at the supporting cast. Shannen Doherty as a Bluebell (“Mugger!”), the late Vincent Schiavelli as a surly delivery guy, and don’t blink during the party scene or you’ll miss Kevin Costner walking behind Keaton when he balances a beer bottle on his forehead. It may seem tame by today’s standards, but hey, it’s Christmas; not a bad time to show a little propriety.
Planes, Trains and Automobiles
For doing what we have all secretly wanted to do to rental car employees, or anyone else who fucks us at the drive-thru.
Trading Places
Jamie Lee Curtis is in this movie. You may have heard about that. Sadly, YouTube hasn’t, so you’ll have to settle for this.
Batman Returns
All we want for Christmas is Selina Kyle. Me-ow!
The Long Kiss Goodnight
After extensive research, we have concluded that chefs most definitely do not do that.
