Image Credit: Rob Dolecki/DigBMX.com

When Mountain Dew gave me the opportunity to head down to Orlando, Florida for two days to learn how to ride bikes with professional BMX riders Chad DeGroot and Mark Mulville, I couldn’t shirk off the responsibilities of fatherhood, home ownership and general employment fast enough.

Kickstart by Mountain Dew is a sparkling juice beverage made to kick-start your day and get your rear into gear. With just 80 calories per 16 oz serving and 92 milligrams of caffeine (roughly as much as one cup of coffee), Kickstart gets you moving without the bloated, heavy feeling supplied by most “energy drinks” on the market. Don’t think of this as an energy drink — think of it as Mountain Dew for breakfast! Didn’t we all go to school with someone who drank Mountain Dew for breakfast, anyway? My buddy Eric Hoffman drank so much in the ’90s he pisses Yellow #5 to this day, exclusively.

Loaded with Vitamins B and C, plus 5% fruit juice, it’s a morning drink (not an energy drink) that gets your body and your mind higher than BMX pro/stunt cock Mark Mulville off a 10-foot wall at Orlando Skate Park!

Speaking of OSP, (which is what you call it, Brojam), getting there at roughly 7 AM was a serious thing of beauty. The sun had just began to rise, which gave everything a cherubic, surreal glow, and was accompanied by an endless chorus of early morning bird chirping action. It was like a bird mixtape that you made to impress a chick (when you used to do shit like that), except this was played against the backdrop of crisp morning air and the excitement of doing something you had never done before: riding a BMX bike.

When I first attempted to straddle the BMX, my first concern was for my nutsac. I’m all vasectomied up, so I wasn’t worried about reproductive function being compromised (spray and pray, baby); I was literally worried about crushing my nutsac on the pointy plastic seat. When I asked pro rider Chad DeGroot about the protruding seat, which could tear anal membrane or ball sac-age with equal ease, he said, “Well, you really don’t have to worry because you’re usually standing when you’re on the bike, anyway.”

And with that, I mounted the bike from behind, and rode it, in a rather wobbly way for about 10-15 feet. The bike was really small, my legs felt super long, and the safety of my ballsac was still floating through my mind. Maybe it’s because when I was 13 and playing little league I watched a kid in the on-deck circle take a well hit, yet foul, line drive directly to the nuts which resulted in one of his balls deflating, right there on the field. What a sound!

Developer:

FreakZone Games

Compatible with:

Android Devices

Requires:
Android 2.2 and up

Price:

$2.49

Available here

Like many I first saw “Manos Hands of Fate” when it was parodied on the classic TV show, “Mystery Science Theater 3000.” After receiving some of the fiercest lampooning any film ever did on that show, it became widely accepted that “Manos” was indeed the worst film ever made. It was a movie where shots would last for an eternity, the plot was somehow both convoluted and non-existent, and usual film tropes like acting, writing, and directing were seemingly burned at the stake as heralds.

To quote “Mystery Science Theater,” It was a film where every shot “looked like someone’s last known photograph.”

Naturally then the film became a big cult hit, so much so that it inspired its own gaming app based on the movie to be released for iOS last year. It’s recent debut on Android gives me another chance to tell you why you should play it.

“Manos” the  game is a product of two loves, one of which is obviously the movie, which is squeezed for every creative drop to create scenarios, characters, enemies, and levels (of course since that still doesn’t leave much to work with, it also borrows from other infamously bad movies). The other is a love of NES 8-bit retro side-scroller gaming, which “Manos’s” gameplay revolves entirely around.

Not just any games were borrowed from, though. In the spirit of the source material, “Manos” take many ideas from some of the worst games of that era, and therefore of all time. Enemies are annoyingly difficult and often have no context to being in the game, controls are loose, jumps can be impossible, boss fights require pinpoint pattern recognition, and you often have to start back at the beginning of the game. If you’ve ever seen an “Angry Video Game Nerd” review, you’ll immediately know what’s in store.

So why does a game based off of a bad movie and equally bad games deserve your money? Because it pays homage to those two things so well. More than just lip service to fans of “Manos” or one particular video game, this app fondly recalls the charm of all bad movies and games with not just specific references, but it’s whole state of being. Besides, the game is never quite as bad as the ones that inspired it, and is often very playable, though extremely challenging.

The easiest people to recommend “Manos” to are obviously the fans of the film (for whatever reason they may be fans), fans of 8-bit gaming, or both. In principle, it’s the tale of a man named Mike trying to get his family out of a desert hell hole run by the mysterious master and his kneecap challenged servant named Torgo. In reality, it’s a dead-on perfect tribute to the lowest depths of nostalgia, and all put together produces an addictive game that defines being better than the sum of its parts and comes away with maybe the only positive award anything “Manos” related may ever garner, and that is my app of the week.

We discovered Linda in Budapest on our World Tour and we’re thrilled to see this brunette beauty in this thong and bra set, along with all of the other looks in her gallery.

We’ve photographed tons of beautiful models over the years, but Michelle Moya still stands out as one of the most stunning. Here’s one of the many amazing photos you’ll find in her gallery as the sun starts setting in Miami.

Like most Americans, I’m not exactly a polyglot. Four years of junior high and high school Spanish have been of great assistance in helping me to order  items at taco trucks; three quarters of college French allow me to chuckle knowingly to myself when “merde!” is translated as “damn!” in subtitles. So, I can’t properly pronounce the name of the Vieux Carre, but I can tell you it means “old square.” That square, as it turns out, is off of Bourbon Street in New Orleans, and this is another fine cocktail associated with America’s most intriguing cocktail capital.

Quite obviously, however, this is not in the same category as a Hurricane and it’s not the one of the scary, gigantic green drinks featured on this year’s season premiere of “Bar Rescue.” While, for me, the Vieux Carre doesn’t quite achieve the classic cocktail nirvana of a Sazerac, this is one beverage that actually gets tastier the longer you let it sit. It’s perfect for a long conversation and, by the end of it, even ever-so-justifiably-furious bar rescuer John Taffer might get mellow enough to maybe stop shouting for just a second.

The Vieux Carre

3/4 ounce rye whiskey
3/4 ounce cognac or brandy
3/4 ounce sweet vermouth
1 teaspoon Benedictine
2 dashes Peychaud’s Bitters
2 dashes aromatic  bitters (Angostura or similar)
1 lemon twist (garnish)

Making this drink is about as easy to make as it is to get a buzz going in the French Quarter. Build over some ice cubes in a rock glass, stir, and add the lemon twist. Toast whatever or whomever you like, but do so slowly.

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I’m very sorry to say that this week’s post completes my trilogy of drinks of cocktails featuring Camus’s Ile de Ré Fine Island Cognac. Sadly, that’s the case because I polished off the bottle last night. No disrespect to my value-priced go-to brandy, Reynal, but there’s a reason the Camus people get to charge the big bucks for this stuff. It’s great in a cocktail and remarkably easy and pleasurable to drink neat. Good thing I still have a few airplane bottles of various Ile de Ré expressions in my alcohol laden larder.

My rye for this double-base spirit cocktail was another new freebie favorite we’ve featured here before, the lovely Templeton Rye, previously featured in the Capone.  I usually lean towards higher proof ryes like my old pal, 100 proof Rittenhouse, but that might have been a bit much in this context; Templeton’s more mellow flavor makes it a pretty perfect match for a Vieux Carre.

I experimented quite a bit with the other ingredients. Many recipes call for more booze and somewhat less of the Benedictine — a very sweet herbal liqueur which famously mixes well with brandy. I also tried three different sweet vermouths, all favorites. The lightest was Noilly Pratt, which was very nice, but an even better result was achieved with the greatness that is Carpano Antica. (Yet another freebie previously featured here).

I also tried it with another great product I’ll be featuring later, Punt e Mes. In that instance, it sort of dominated the cocktail but, since I love, love, love me some Punt e Mes, I didn’t really mind.

One final note, apparently to really do the Vieux Carre right, some people suggest you should make it with just one very large ice cube. Sounds cool, but I guess I need to find an ice cube tray that make 3″x 3″ ice cubes.