Sometimes, “smelf-confidence” can be misplaced. Maybe it’s that booger you have hanging out of your nose that you’re unaware of, your wife that’s overly “friendly” to your homies on game day, or just that funk that emanates from your body that you’ve gotten so used to you don’t even notice anymore.

While Old Spice can’t help you with your incompetence, or your slutty wife, it can help you with your scent. The Old Spice Champion collection has an Offensive Odor game plan that breaks down as follows:

Old Spice Champion Body Wash Gel Douche

It’s first and 10 and you’ve got a long way to go to get clean, AKA to the end zone. Strip down like John Travolta at an all-male bath house and hit the showers with your bottle of Old Spice Champion Body Wash Gel Douche in your, ahem, hand. Before you apply it to your body, take a whiff and notice the effective, yet not overly apparent scent. What does it smell like, you ask? I’d say it’s similar to the Original Scent of the Original Old Spice, yet toned down a few notches, like John Travolta when he’s out with his wife. Lather up — we’ve got a drive to “consummate” here.

Old Spice Champion Body Spray

It’s second and six after a solid gain on first down thanks to the effectiveness of the Old Spice Champion Body Wash Gel Douche. Now that you’re out of the shower, let the all-out assault of the Old Spice Champion Body Spray on your body begin. Apply it liberally, like Obama wants to apply his healthcare bill. Cover your body in it and you’ll notice quickly that has a refreshing scent like you’d expect from any Old Spice product, but it also has the refreshing tingle and scent of Original Scent crossbred with baby powder. You may say, “Oh, Paul, baby powder, what’s the deal man? I’m a man, man!” Yes you are, but your lady isn’t. She’s the one, after all, nuzzling your body with her ample bosom, so let’s keep her bosom happy. Game, set, you.

Old Spice Champion Anti-Perspirant & Deodorant

It’s third and one. You’re moving the ball down the field in an efficient manner, but efficiency doesn’t sell, sex does. So slather on the sex, AKA Old Spice Champion Anti-Perspirant & Deodorant, and assault the opposing team’s (or any lady of your choosing) front line! “Believe In Your Smelf” and fire that pigskin over them mountains — go deep! Thanks to the scent of the Old Spice Champion Deodorant, you’ll already have the requisite confidence to cock your arm behind your head, exposing your great smelling armpit, and find your #1 wide out Greg Jennings running a fly pattern to an easy TD!

The Old Spice Champion Gold Collection is available in somewhat limited edition via the website here, or at any reputable store in your area.