If there’s one thing the good people of Jamba Juice know, it’s fruit. So why would they try to get into the burger business? In truth, they aren’t – this video is just a strong right hook at the fast food industry, which has started to encroach on Jamba Juice territory by offering concoctions they try to pass off as smoothies. Those abominations are about as much smoothie as the cheeseburger shake is a burger, and yet, people order them. That got us to thinking, if people are willing to eat fast food smoothies, who would be willing to eat a cheeseburger shake?
1. Frat guys – If fraternities have a reputation for one thing, it’s their filth. It’s not networking, job prospects, close friends, or even great parties. The real frats, frats that people like you and me went to skill with, were disgusting. They had horrific hazing rituals. Their members (my friends among them) would find absurd bets like “who can kill the most wounded soldiers at the next house party.” These guys would love to ingest a cheeseburger milkshake. You can almost guarantee that a brother at your local party school has tried this very thing to rid himself of a nasty hangover or win the approval of the rest of the house.
2. Hot dog stand regulars – At three in the morning, few things sound quite as good as a hotdog loaded down with onions, jalapenos, chili, coleslaw, and healthy squirt of stadium mustard across the top. For some people, that sounds good at nine in the morning. And for lunch. And as a mid day snack. When you’re in such a hurry to give yourself kidney stones, why not slurp the food through a straw, right? Right.
3. Extreme runners – When I first read about Dean Karnazes I was enchanted. The guy lost it at a party, sprinted into the night and didn’t stop running until morning. That was just the beginning of an insane career. He has gone on to compete in marathons and supermarathons, sometimes entering himself in team competitions and running against five other men by himself. He ran 50 marathons in 50 days across 50 states. He’s completely insane, but he keeps his body going by guzzling calories as he runs. He orders pizzas on the go, snacks on eclairs mid-run. He needs the ridiculous caloric intake just to keep his body running. The cheeseburger shake is perfect for this guy – a calorie bomb you can sip as you sprint.
4. Fast Food fanatics – If you’ve seen Morgan Spurlock’s “Super Size Me,” you know there are people in this world that would prefer the Big Mac to a nice hand-pattied burger. For those few people, you can imagine the cheeseburger shake would be the perfect treat. It’s salty, disgusting, and consumable in three minutes or less. What more could you want?
5. Britney Spears – Britney Spears is a wreck. A complete and utter mess of a human being. When she isn’t flashing her hoo-hah or pressing ham for the paparazzi, she’s busy driving with her kids on her lap and having public – very public – psychotic breakdowns. She’s also known to step into gas station bathrooms barefoot. I don’t know what kind of gas stations you go to, but the bathrooms I see at the local Kwik-N-Go are like something from a horror movie. If the walls aren’t smeared in human excrement there’s usually used toilet paper strewn about and a cocktail of bodily fluid stewing in the turlet. If Britney can stomach that mess without so much as a pair of shoes (much less a biohazard suit), you can bet she’d be willing to slurp down a burger shake without thinking twice.